Reflecting life in sandakan

Wow.. It has been 1month plus since I 1st step into sandakan.
And what shall I say about the life here?
To make everything short, no life.
I just finished a fucking tiring oncall. Tomorrow oncall again. Yeah, I have dunno how many cycles of
EOD call this month. Thanx to all colleagues who celebrate raya. I guess they are now enjoying their home life to the max. With all the kuih raya, home cooked delicious food.. Getting to mert friends & family.
I believe nothing is more valuable then that. What more after a month of victory defeating the food.
Nevermind, I ll have my turn. Just wait, chinese new year! Punya majn lama lg tu... :(

Im alone in the house now. Times like this when im lonely, I love to indulge myself deep to my thoughts. reflecting on life, things that evolves around me. Cherrish every moment god allows me to have.
Last night during my call, a baby died. Seeing many deaths in this line of life, is anavoidable. Death become my routine. Bit by bit, it demolishes my feelings of being sorry. But last night was different. I dun know why the baby suddenly deteriorated when he was all the while ok. May be it is partly due to my inadequate clinical experience to see the warning signs he gave. There was 1 episode of desaturation requiringanual bagging via face mask. And he was able to saturate after nasal prong. but still tachypnic and distress. It never crossed my mind that this baby might be in impending resp arrest and would require intubation. And true enough baby become cyanosed and desat again 3h later when I was bz attending other patient. 8h of resuscitation, brings everytging in vain. We tried our best but he didnt survive. The baby was strong, though on the last moments of his life, he still open his eyes, he looked so adorable. Would he survive if we picked up the the signs? But what can I do when all I have is just a teaspoon of knowledge & a pinch of clinical experience. What more, we were bombarded by many new admissions. Yeah! I tot I wud have a cold call, since it is raya. who knows many baby like to come out on the 1st day after of finishing the fadsting month. And it was my 1st call inNICU. At times like this, all I can do is to follow order from MO. Though somet imesI doubt the action & order, I have to follow. And im so worry beause I am sure they will discuss this case during the mortality meeting. So many things might b brought up. And only now I realize hw important is the documentation, everytime we review patient. Be it a am review, pm or oncall. Everything has to be written especially those ordered verbally by boss. Cus idfwe dont, when there r issues months later when we have forget everything, the only thing they can use to trace,defend or shoot us is the case note. Im worried now. Cuz I pronouce the death of the baby, which by right HO cant. But this what happened when u r trapped in between what u shud do and what ur boss ordered u. Mo on callh has clearly told me just to write down everything that is necessary, anf left me with the "cause of death" to writtten in necessary form nd inform family. When child finally died, I called her up to let her confirm the death, but once again she repeat the same order, and said she doesnt need to come to examine. So what can I do. It is
an order, and as the junior ones I have to follow. I just hope that everything will b ok when they bring this case up.
When the family was informed regarding the impending death of their child, I felt sorry for them. The first time I feelt sorry when death comes. The dad broke down n cried. The mother was still in pain from the lscs. That was their precisus only child after 2times abortion. And it was first day of raya. The father was wearing baju melayu. There was one 6y child following them, may b their son or may b not, cuz he wear the same pattern of baju melayu as the father's. But what was documented they dont have other child.
So there goes my raya call... A busy, sad, and a potential legal case.