Am I the forgotten Eve?

Some things are not as easy as we thought.. I thought i am strong, to go through this. But now, i am breaking down. So many things running through my mind, keep me thinking. It feels sad, more heart breaking, to see people around me laughing with their friends, to see my colleagues leaving me to another place, to see my friends getting married, having babies... I am here, lost in my way. Stranded. I dont know why am i here, where i supposed to go. What is god's plan for me. And i am all alone... It feels so heavy. I thpught i am strong. Really i thought i am. Guess i am just losing my energy. It is fading now. I barely breathe. I barely holding on. Why is God still silent? Am i the forgotten Eve?

Financial disaster

Okay.. It is just the end of July. August is yet to come. And all the money i have is out of the proportion for the days to come! Gosh! What a ruin of my financial plan. Everything was planned, but the last minute unfortunate change has turn everything upside down. Prepared to go to district with extra allowance starting August so that i could start to pay my personal and house loan. Now... No extra allowance. But extra expenses plus loans to pay! Gosh... ;( Expected at least half-month bonus for Raya! But yeah, my ass the bankrupt and corrupted government, thanx for the-only-rm500 bonus. My country is becoming poor and poorer... Sedihnya.......

God, surprise me...

God, everything happens for a reason. You have been silent for so long. Now, i feel that i begin to see the wonder of your work. Lately, i realize how beautiful life is. I feel at peace. I don't know how to describe it, but it is peaceful. I anticipate some kind of depression, but i haven't felt it yet. Past few days, Things happened unplanned. And it brings joy. I do not why. i do not want to find why. Cause, God.. I want you to surprise me. I am tired of being in control of everything. This time, lead me Lord.. I begin to wonder, was it your plan? Being extended in the last posting, seems like you do not want me to go to Karakit. Sounds like you have a better plan, which i still have no idea about. A friend from the past comes right at times when i need it. I feel so much peace with this one. I do not know why.. This one, is different. God, open my heart to your wonders. Surprise me...

22nd July 2013

Today marks the darkest day in my life, at least for past few years. For the first time in my housemanship, on the supposedly-my-last-day as Houseman, I receive the most saddening news, the fear that has haunted me for past few days has finally surfaced, Weizen you got extended... Yes, extended for 3 months. Reason? Competency. Failed my exam. Im wordless. I feel numb. I feel sad. I feel relieved. The first one, i decided to break the bad news to is my housemate, Eva. She is the only person i could think of once I got out of my boss's room. I didnt feel so sad, but all i can say over the phone, with my shaking voice, was " Eva.... Says kena extend.." I wanted to tell he more, but i just couldn't. I realized tears were all over my cheeks. I just couldnt voice it out, i tried, no voice. Just tears. I cried when My boss told me. He began his conversation, after he called me in," actually I m not in favor to extend you...." Once i heard the word " AcTUALLy", I knew, right, at that moment, yes I Am extended... He was trying to be nice, broke the news as calmly as he could, as pleasantly as he could so that the person at the other end could as much accept it with an open heart. Whatever comes next from his mouth, was just like wind or breeze passing through my ears. All I could grab was, he had no choice but to do it. I didnt feel that sad right at the moment, just numb, just dissapointed. I admitted, i did the exam half-heartedly, taking everything for granted assuming everyone will pass as were all the Housemen before me. Well, i was wrong, totally wrong. By now, i have already informed my closest friends and family, telling them that im not gonna move to Banggi anytime near the future. Funny, they are all happy. My aunt says " ba,syukur la...." My dad says " ba bagus la ba tu"..... Of course, they didnt know the reason behind it. Hmm..not fair to me to tell them cuz they might not understand .. And after the news spread, i feel like im receiving condolences. Everyone feels sorry. Everyone asks me if i am okay. my housemate, Wamaellesa, guess she too was shocked to hear that. She asked if i was okay. Which i suddenly broke into tears after reading her text. Cuz i do not know whether i am okay or not. But I feel like I am, okay. May be too sad to know that i wont "graduate" together as them. I told her not to worry, she replied" of course i am worry!".. Which touched me.. Everyone tells me to be strong. My friends sent some funny pic and video just to cheer me up. Many of them cant believe it. Hmmm.. What more can i say.... Looking at the bright side, i am grateful to have friends that come at the right time to cheer me up. i know they try to do their best so that i dont take the whole thing too much on myself. I thank God for them... My friend said everything happens for a reason. The same thing i told my roomate in unimas when she failed her exam and therefore extended for another 6months. I wonder, if she has found out the reason why God chose her to be the one. Me, I am yet to find out why. All i can think of , now, may be God says no to KArakit. Whatever it is, what has happened is happening and wont be changed. I dont know how life will be in another 3 months. All i want now, is a peace of mind. Spending time with family, cousins. Laugh. And reflect. My name is Weizen. I am strong. I am tough. I take this failure as a mock. mock is the food of my strength, which i will silently build. Cause silent is my way. I kill in silence. Of course, i dont say i will, but i will try. To prove him wrong. God will.

hey.. u r very cold. especially towards me, especially me.. and why's that?
Many a times u make me sad..

  :(

Hmm, this gona be a place for me to speak my heart out loud. Cant do it in facebook, just too

public, and he might find out.

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dissapointed

dissapoonted that the blog apps apperently doesnt function very well.
I cant upload any photo to my blog.
My blog looks so dull...
:(

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testing

to blo

g

via my samsung sII

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