22nd July 2013

Today marks the darkest day in my life, at least for past few years. For the first time in my housemanship, on the supposedly-my-last-day as Houseman, I receive the most saddening news, the fear that has haunted me for past few days has finally surfaced, Weizen you got extended... Yes, extended for 3 months. Reason? Competency. Failed my exam. Im wordless. I feel numb. I feel sad. I feel relieved. The first one, i decided to break the bad news to is my housemate, Eva. She is the only person i could think of once I got out of my boss's room. I didnt feel so sad, but all i can say over the phone, with my shaking voice, was " Eva.... Says kena extend.." I wanted to tell he more, but i just couldn't. I realized tears were all over my cheeks. I just couldnt voice it out, i tried, no voice. Just tears. I cried when My boss told me. He began his conversation, after he called me in," actually I m not in favor to extend you...." Once i heard the word " AcTUALLy", I knew, right, at that moment, yes I Am extended... He was trying to be nice, broke the news as calmly as he could, as pleasantly as he could so that the person at the other end could as much accept it with an open heart. Whatever comes next from his mouth, was just like wind or breeze passing through my ears. All I could grab was, he had no choice but to do it. I didnt feel that sad right at the moment, just numb, just dissapointed. I admitted, i did the exam half-heartedly, taking everything for granted assuming everyone will pass as were all the Housemen before me. Well, i was wrong, totally wrong. By now, i have already informed my closest friends and family, telling them that im not gonna move to Banggi anytime near the future. Funny, they are all happy. My aunt says " ba,syukur la...." My dad says " ba bagus la ba tu"..... Of course, they didnt know the reason behind it. Hmm..not fair to me to tell them cuz they might not understand .. And after the news spread, i feel like im receiving condolences. Everyone feels sorry. Everyone asks me if i am okay. my housemate, Wamaellesa, guess she too was shocked to hear that. She asked if i was okay. Which i suddenly broke into tears after reading her text. Cuz i do not know whether i am okay or not. But I feel like I am, okay. May be too sad to know that i wont "graduate" together as them. I told her not to worry, she replied" of course i am worry!".. Which touched me.. Everyone tells me to be strong. My friends sent some funny pic and video just to cheer me up. Many of them cant believe it. Hmmm.. What more can i say.... Looking at the bright side, i am grateful to have friends that come at the right time to cheer me up. i know they try to do their best so that i dont take the whole thing too much on myself. I thank God for them... My friend said everything happens for a reason. The same thing i told my roomate in unimas when she failed her exam and therefore extended for another 6months. I wonder, if she has found out the reason why God chose her to be the one. Me, I am yet to find out why. All i can think of , now, may be God says no to KArakit. Whatever it is, what has happened is happening and wont be changed. I dont know how life will be in another 3 months. All i want now, is a peace of mind. Spending time with family, cousins. Laugh. And reflect. My name is Weizen. I am strong. I am tough. I take this failure as a mock. mock is the food of my strength, which i will silently build. Cause silent is my way. I kill in silence. Of course, i dont say i will, but i will try. To prove him wrong. God will.