coming back

After much rebellion, Here I am again.

Have been avoiding the world for quite some time.

After all, what else can I do after the best I could offer?

I am in the process of getting immunized and stronger.

Though I fall many times, I try to get up. Countless.

That is the part and parcel of life, isn't it?

There are many lessons I have yet to learn.

Slowly I guess..

Life, itself is a teacher... A great one.

not a good night

I am sad tonight. I planned to study. But then, my head just doesnt allow me. I just dunno what it wants. It rebels. It throbs. It feels like it is gonna explode. Just because I had a lunch. That is why I like to skip lunch. It does me no good. Once I have lunch, my eyelids become extremely heavy, and I start to feel sleepy. The kind of sleepy that you can never resist. But on the other hand, once I answer the bed call, I will never run away from the headache.
And i thought it only happen if I sleep after I eat. Surprisingly, no. Just now, I didn't even sleep. Yet the headache still haunt me. What is so wrong with my body. Why my body is very weak. The frequency of getting headache in a week will definitely shock everyone. It is like every other day, i get headache.
And the only thing that can relieve the pain is PCM. I even have to keep a stock of PCM, prophylactic. Just in case it comes, I have the remedy. Now, my body getting stronger against PCM. I need more dose to get rid of the pain.
How I wish someone is here to make me feel better. I feel so lonely...

Stony Hard

I know I am such a big-headed stubborn bad girl. Upset with the fact. I don't want to be like this. But I am trapped in a situation where I am forced to hold strongly to my principle. Though, I know, it brings me no good, brings him no good. Brings more disaster. Brings more pain.

Though I want it to end, at the same time, deep in my heart, down there where nobody has ever reached out to, refused to go out of the comfort zone. The love that I get, I swear, no one could ever give it to me.

When everybody else leaves me, abandons me, he comes.
When everybody else doesn't give it a damn, he cares.
When everybody just refuses to hear me, he listens.
When everybody else is blind to see, his eyes penetrate deep into my heart, right to my soul.
Whenever I speak no words, try to hold my tears, he, one who is kidnapped by distance, knows I am crying.
Above all, whenever I am in the utmost awful times, the moment my head touches his chest, listen to his heart, beating, so alive, the beat somehow diffuse into my blood, circulate to my heart, and ours, beat together, in 1 rhythm...

Tell me boy, before you judge me, who else can give me such great love....

fed up

yeah I am not smart, and I am weird. Say whatever you want. But it ain't fair for you to judge me with your eyes.
And I am not gonna give it a damn.

As much as I hated to say, yeah U are right.

I Just have no more energy & strength to fight. Not that I never tried. I have tried since the beginning. But as weak as a human is, I am too.

How could I possibly push someone who loves me so much, more than anyone I ever known. I wouldn't know what love is if it weren't for him. Selfish it sounds right? Yeah. Cuz I just want to fight no more, no.. Not until I regain my strength.

Whatever. As I said.

Come whatever it may, I wont resist.

Cuz no matter how much I resist, I would end up losing.

wild

If only tonight I have a car, I will.......

• Wear my mini ( as in super-mini) skirt
  
  
• "Veet" my legs out.
  

• Wear a body-fitting bellybutton-sparing sleeveless top
  
  
• Put on foundation, powder, eyeshadow, line the eyebrow, mascara the eyelash, a lil blush, and a killing shiny pinky red lipstick
  
  
• Grab the most beautiful earrings I have in the cupboard
  
  
• Drive the car to a club
  
  
• Unites with the music
  
  
• shake my body ( Buddy, U have know idea what I got here..)
  
  
• and...
  
  DANCE & KILL !!!

make me yours

So many have turn their back on you. It seems so easy.

Don't let me.

Embrace me with your love.

Only your love can heal me, guide me, & strengthened me.

Keep calling me, calling my name.

Monica.

I don't want to be among those who hurt your heart.

dream

I just bought myself Cleo Magazine. I like to read funky magazines like this, full with useful informations, especially those related to make-ups. My fav!
It makes me sad to look at the mirror. What I see is a short, plump girl with sparse hairs on the head, face with acnes around the cheeks, oiled T-zone, uneven skin tone, sparse eyebrows. On top of that, my buldging tummy...........
Huhu...
Can I change my physical look? There are so many ranges of facial product out there. Some can cost up to my monthly allowance I receive from Petronas. Wish I have the money to treat my face nice. MM.. I patiently wait. Wait till I work..
Now, It is survey time. No money, means I could only afford to window shopping. Gathering all the info of each products they offered in the market, and when I have the money, I ll make them mine!
So time like this, Cleo magazine offers me very useful info. There are so many make-ups products that I would like to try, like Marjolica, Anna Sui, but they are way expensive for a student like me. Hmm... wait, wait, and wait with faith. I will have those in my cupboard someday!
There are also many slimming centres around. But which one is really works? Well, that is my job now, while waiting for my own money. I dun want to become thin, just want to get rid of the extra fat on my tummy and my arms. They are but ugly. Ugly, awful.
MM.. my mind now keeps on thinking what things I will grab onc I have the power. These ones:

1. Subscribe Cleo Magazine
   This is cheaper than to buy one every month. The most important thing of all is to be the early birds to subscribe & get the free gifts!
2. Treat myself at the slimming centre
   May be Marie Bodyline, Slimworld? I dunno. Haven't figured it out yet.
3. Pick up healthy lifestyle
   By consuming healthy products like Bird nest, Brand's...
4. Facial cares
   Will indulge myself at the beauty spa or facial shops more often!
5. Get my hair highlighted
   What colour? MM, may be not-so-obvious red? or any one that will give me a bit of Mat Salleh look..
   
6. Smells nice & expensive
   Wanna try out one of those branded perfumes. They are longer lasting.
   
7. Permanently whiten my teeth
   My teeth are yellowish. Euuwww...
   
8. And many many more...........

I cant wait!!

reflection

The last exam of Year 4 has finally ended. Now I am officially a final year student.

MM... wonder how would it be to spend the last year in medical scool. Sounds so scaryy.... at the end of this last year, a big important exam, an exam that will determine whether I am qualified or not to practice as a doctor, waits for me.

Medical school... MM, overall, I dun enjoy it. Not because of the syllabus, not the academic. But the life here. I live day by day. A day feels like a year. Feel so abandoned. Feel lonely. Very lonely. Life here as a student, no income, no extra money, no car, really limits my life, it sucks. I can't wait to finish so that I can finally have my own money every month, have my own car. So that no matter how life sucks, I can still drive myself around, buy myself beautiful dress, go to slimming center to burn my fat, or just go traveling, get my butt out of it!

I hope I can have my own house when I work. Just a small simple house. But I will make it the most comfortable house ever! I believe work & life as a doctor, especially a HO, would be very miserable. Work like there is no tomorrow. So I want a house that whenever I come back from hospital, gives me a total serenity. Will make it 'air-con'ed, nowadays the whether burns my skin. The sun is no more a friendly creature. It becomes more powerful each day. My sunburnt skin has stil not recovered yet. Then I will buy the glow-in-the-dark decorating stars & paste it onto the wall just above my bed. So that every night before I sleep, the stars lullaby me with its beautiful shape & light. Whenever I am stressed, lonely, I will drive myself to a place, may be to the beach, to watch the stars. Cuz the stars are so beautiful! They twinkle as if they are dancing, the sound of the wave are like their music. While they dance, they transmit the power, power of healing, power of peace, power of beauty. They have the affinity to me & get absorbed to my blood. Travel & circulate to the whole body, and there I am, alive again!!!

But of course, at the same time, I still want to enjoy the present. I dun want to leave this medical school with empty-handed. I want to leave behind some beautiful moments to be remembered. So that I have at least something to be proud of being UNIMAS student. I dun want to waste today just to wait for tomorrow. I want to live today, every second, every moment to reach tomorrow. Because we will never know, today could b our last day...

kuching again

Kuching, here I am again.
So not want to come back here. Life is so lonely here. So lonely....
Wish I have a fren, a best fren, to talk whenever I am haunted by this feelings. But It is so hard to find one. One truly best friend. Need someone to understand me without me to speak much. Want someone to make me laugh & tell me jokes.

Kundasang, Sabah March 2010

fake

I get over you.

Bye.

No more of those will haunt me.

Cuz the path is clear now.

I know what I want, and what I don't.

It is mere mistakes, one after another.

I slipped, but

Luckily I don't fall too deep & realize that it is all fake.

FAKE.

fuck

I am so exhausted & frustrated with the elective posting. Imagine last night I was on call, with the hope that i can at least conduct 1 delivery, but it turned out that only few mothers delivered their babies. And those damn fucking student nurses took away my case. Fuck.

Now have to compete with these student nurses. Hate them. I timed the contraction but they didn't report mi timing, but theirs. Shit.

Fuck you.

And got scolded by a paediatrician for not knowing how long to time the heart beat of a baby in an emergency situation.

A mother delivered her 1st twin, baby is flat. They quickly took the baby to resuscitate her. The pediatrician asked me to listen to the heart beat & count the rate. So I did. After that..

Pediatrician : U took the whole minute to cunte the heart rate?!
Me : No I counted for 15sec ad then times four.
Pediatrician : What year are u in?!
Me : Year 4..
Pediatrician giving his (ugly) surprising look to me : They didn't teach u about neonatal resuscitation?!
Me : No.. ( may be not yet, may be in year 5 )
Pediatrician : What?!! I also from Unimas! ( dun believe me). It is 6sec, then times 10. We don't have enough time.


Fuck you. Shit. U think u learn all in medical school?. Shit! So what if u r from Unimas too. U think what u have learned, the same with what I have? fuck you. As it is I am already a medical STUDENT, I am still learning la, bodoh!
Ya, it is my fault not knowing that, but did u have to give that fucking ugly look to me & raise ur voice? It is true that no one has taught us about neonatal resuscitation. jadi macam mana? bodoh butul! U think when u were in year 4 medical school, u were as smart u are now? May be u were even dumb-er than me! Fuck you.

And after that, my mood was spoilt by a MO who complaint about us not attending the Morning Prayer. Fuck you. any rule tells us that we elective medical students MUST attend the morning prayer. What the fuck!!! Arghhh!!!

I took 7 tablets of panadol because of the headache I get from all these. Shit.

BYe bye..

This is my last post for he next 5 weeks. Gonna miss my blog.
My exam sucks. But I have no time to nag it around, I was busy packing. And now, in another 30min time, I will go to the airport together with 3other friends, fly to KK, Sabah.

I am not excited about it. Except now, I am so hungry that after I check in, I will straight head to McD or KFC to have my dinner.

Time proves that you do not love.

.......

Why is it after a decision has been made, still, I have that stupid feelings inside. It is killing me silently. At the same time, it just feels wrong. He lacks something. He is just not the one. Wake up.
Oh Lord, guide me please.

oh weizy....

This is the las week for Opthalmology Posting. Despite the 3 weeks I have gone through, I feel dumb, especially after attending the revision class with Dr. Mallika.

Like always, at this time around, 1 day before the exam, I regret for not studying earlier. Must-know topics in Opth actuallt not as many as other posting. What excuse can I give this time for not able to cover them all? Or at least peep through the pages while the diseases were encountered during clinics?

Weizen, dun you think that you are such a loser? such a lazy bum?


You always are , Weizen.


Arghhh... Self-conflict, remorse, guilt now come.
Is this the cycle that you want to go through each posting, Weizen?
Play, play, and play
then regret?
Is this what makes you proud when U grad next year, Weizen?
U are just gonna be a lousy doctor, Weizen!

When will U realize all this, Weizen?
Don't u think r wasting ur time?
Wake up girl....

not you

Now I realize that everything is not true.

Some don't manifested by words, but action alone.

Your actions prove the opposite to your words.

Sweet words provide temporary happiness to the mind.

But truthful, sincere & loving act give ever lasting joy to the heart.

You may be able to manipulate my mind, but never my heart.

Cuz the heart is strong.

Every beat it makes, sustains the body.

Such a strong heart, only the persistent could win.

And I have decided, not you.

stress

I am SINGING OUT LOUD now!!!!

Stressed!!!!!!!

Can someone give me a mic please?

I wanna sing louder!!!!


Talking bout singing, I remembered me & tay went to Neway to karaoke.

period

My tummy is painful... At last my period comes. May be my cycle is 30days. I only started recording my period since last Jan.

Jan 16--> Feb 15--> March 17--> 30days cycle.

Got to see when is it next month. Hope it will be regular. Luckily this time around, I dun really have leg cramp, or may be not yet? ahh.. I dun like it. Feels like I lost one leg when my thigh starts to ache..

Need a hand on my tummy. arghh.. Means I will have it when I go to Keningau? Oh no.. Such uncomfortable it will be...

Die

Seems like I never stop packing. I have been started pack my things since last week. Arghh.. I have to empty the room before I leave this Friday. And at the same time Ihave to pack my things for Keningau. Such a headache. So many clothes I wanna bring. But I am gonna be there for only 5 weeks. But the clothes I packed can last me 1 year. Aiyoo... Which clothes to choose???? Feel like I wanna bring them all.....

Arghhhh!!!!


There are clothes to wash some more. Die la.. Need to study for exam too.. Sure die la!!!

Huhuhuhuhuhuuhuhuhuhuhu....................

Morning!

Good Morning!!!

Guess what? Today I wake up extra early. All because of the mosquitoes in the room. I was sleeping soundly from 12am, and planned to wake up at 6am. But it turned out that I wake up 3hours early than what I have planned.

It was so hot & dry. The mosquitoes on the other hand were happily feeding on me. My body itches all over. I used to have a mosquitoes repellent lotion that I bought when I went to Bako for Environment Camp. I thouhgt I won't use it anymore, so I gave it to my friend. Now, I so want it back. I had to wrap myself in under the blanket when it was extremely hot just to avoid the mosquitoes!

MM.. Who said that whoever last to sleep have to close the curtain & off the light? Now, who breaks the rule. Many people ( including me, I admit) pandai cakap tak pandai bikin. Many times already like this. Then I would become the victim.
So angry.

Whatever.

Back to the story. I studied for a while. I edited my previous post on the dinner college picture. Then I realize that today is already Tuesday. Exam is coming on Friday. And that Friday night itself I have to rush back to KK. I haven't packed my things yet. So many many things to do. And, the most heavy job is the weekly duty. This week : the toilet job.

So I cleaned the toilet.Brushed the wall. And I dunno whose detergent I used, just use la. Wash with water alone won't clean the dirty toilet. After cleaning also, still looks dirty.

MMM.... ok, another topic.

AFter this, I might not have time for my blog. It will be neglected for about 5 weeks until after I come back here from Keningau. I just having fun uploading my pictures into my blog. I feel like I want to upload more pictures. It is more alive with pictures. But I dun think I have so much time to spend for that.

MMM... Last night was a quiet one. Many times I reached my phone & typed something. But never click the SEND button. I just think, better not. Just leave it like that. I am so stubborn. I just dunno why. It is just too strong that I myself can't fight it. It is also proven by someone who read my palm. He said, if anyone on earth is stubborn 100%, I am stubborn 200%. Hahaha.. Like daughther, like mom. She was stubborn too. When she said no, always no.

Wow, It is 7am already. I wanna have some rest first before going to class..

Bye.

.......

Still missing. Gonna be worse.

College Dinner "Black & White" Hilton Hotel 2010

Venue: Hilton Hotel
(Nice hotel, with a nice attendant that brought us around just to halp us to take pictures.
Feel so like a glamour person with the camera man ready to take a snap of mine!)
Date : 14th March 2010
(which was also my dad's birthday. Luckily I remembered to send him a birthday wish b4 I went to the dinner. But I didn't pick up his call as I was busy dressing-up!Sorry dad, I was already late for that dinner!)
Theme: Black & White
( OO.. I looked more like attending a Retro Night Dinner.. But hey, it still in the theme of Hitam Putih! like cicak only... )
Food : Non-stop filling Buffet
(This is so deceiving. The food wass not nice, at least not a I expected it to be, considering the price of rm55!)
Additional Comment:
I look very chubby here! But, this is how Weizen always is right?
Fat or slim, I am still cute!
Yeahhh.. That is for sure!
:P

The dress I bought long before the Dinner College. I fell in love with it at the first sight. I think over & over again whether to buy or not. Then I walked out of the shop, telling myself,
"ok Weizen, you r not going to buy it.."
Well, after a few steps forward, I ran back to the shop & grabbed it!
I am girl... Who can blame me???? :)

Can u all see the difference between the fat & the slim????

Apart from shopping, one of my talent is to make silly but still cute & pretty pose! :P

Mmm... my chubby arms....

Wooo... Ken looked like a star of the night! Yeah, I guess he just took his time while his gf is in Sibu..

Those 3 starting from the left 3rd are our paeditric lecturers. Thanx 4 ur support. But too bad, I dun think they enjoyed the night, because it was conducted all the way using BM. How the hell would they understand, they are Burmist!!

A pic with my roomate, Belinda. Well, with that short & body-fitting dress, she's hot!

Next to me is Eli. She was so pretty that night. She should be the queen of the night..

MM, wrong girl la they choose that night. Do they know that the are certain criteria that a girl need to fullfill , in order to be qualified as The Queen?!!!

These are my close friends in Unimas!!!

Well, who says tudung girls can't dress up nicely? Look at my friends la... Hehe..

Aiya, my head senget.. But that is Weizen's style!!!

Interested in any of the girls in the pic? Feel free to contact me..

Woooo... I like my pose here!!! Haha.. So bitchy...
Who says I am not? U don't know me...
I can be tempting & hot.... :P

Pretty ladies ya????
Of course we are!!!

This is what we call as ONE MALAYSIA!!!

Wearing a waist high dress and just above knee long makes me look taller!
Illusion effect..

My batchmates. All dressed up!!!
See there I was, making a stupid pose again.. Oh, Weizen...

They called this poase as Weizen Pose. Haha..
Kan I said, I like to do stupid pose.. Why la U all follow also...

Hot girls again.. Have u decided to take which girl???
Ya, I know.. It's kinda hard to choose ya...
Wama should just take off that selendang.. let the naked skin visible! Hehe..

Last call... Which girl??? Dun shy shy ok...