fake

I get over you.

Bye.

No more of those will haunt me.

Cuz the path is clear now.

I know what I want, and what I don't.

It is mere mistakes, one after another.

I slipped, but

Luckily I don't fall too deep & realize that it is all fake.

FAKE.

fuck

I am so exhausted & frustrated with the elective posting. Imagine last night I was on call, with the hope that i can at least conduct 1 delivery, but it turned out that only few mothers delivered their babies. And those damn fucking student nurses took away my case. Fuck.

Now have to compete with these student nurses. Hate them. I timed the contraction but they didn't report mi timing, but theirs. Shit.

Fuck you.

And got scolded by a paediatrician for not knowing how long to time the heart beat of a baby in an emergency situation.

A mother delivered her 1st twin, baby is flat. They quickly took the baby to resuscitate her. The pediatrician asked me to listen to the heart beat & count the rate. So I did. After that..

Pediatrician : U took the whole minute to cunte the heart rate?!
Me : No I counted for 15sec ad then times four.
Pediatrician : What year are u in?!
Me : Year 4..
Pediatrician giving his (ugly) surprising look to me : They didn't teach u about neonatal resuscitation?!
Me : No.. ( may be not yet, may be in year 5 )
Pediatrician : What?!! I also from Unimas! ( dun believe me). It is 6sec, then times 10. We don't have enough time.


Fuck you. Shit. U think u learn all in medical school?. Shit! So what if u r from Unimas too. U think what u have learned, the same with what I have? fuck you. As it is I am already a medical STUDENT, I am still learning la, bodoh!
Ya, it is my fault not knowing that, but did u have to give that fucking ugly look to me & raise ur voice? It is true that no one has taught us about neonatal resuscitation. jadi macam mana? bodoh butul! U think when u were in year 4 medical school, u were as smart u are now? May be u were even dumb-er than me! Fuck you.

And after that, my mood was spoilt by a MO who complaint about us not attending the Morning Prayer. Fuck you. any rule tells us that we elective medical students MUST attend the morning prayer. What the fuck!!! Arghhh!!!

I took 7 tablets of panadol because of the headache I get from all these. Shit.

BYe bye..

This is my last post for he next 5 weeks. Gonna miss my blog.
My exam sucks. But I have no time to nag it around, I was busy packing. And now, in another 30min time, I will go to the airport together with 3other friends, fly to KK, Sabah.

I am not excited about it. Except now, I am so hungry that after I check in, I will straight head to McD or KFC to have my dinner.

Time proves that you do not love.

.......

Why is it after a decision has been made, still, I have that stupid feelings inside. It is killing me silently. At the same time, it just feels wrong. He lacks something. He is just not the one. Wake up.
Oh Lord, guide me please.

oh weizy....

This is the las week for Opthalmology Posting. Despite the 3 weeks I have gone through, I feel dumb, especially after attending the revision class with Dr. Mallika.

Like always, at this time around, 1 day before the exam, I regret for not studying earlier. Must-know topics in Opth actuallt not as many as other posting. What excuse can I give this time for not able to cover them all? Or at least peep through the pages while the diseases were encountered during clinics?

Weizen, dun you think that you are such a loser? such a lazy bum?


You always are , Weizen.


Arghhh... Self-conflict, remorse, guilt now come.
Is this the cycle that you want to go through each posting, Weizen?
Play, play, and play
then regret?
Is this what makes you proud when U grad next year, Weizen?
U are just gonna be a lousy doctor, Weizen!

When will U realize all this, Weizen?
Don't u think r wasting ur time?
Wake up girl....

not you

Now I realize that everything is not true.

Some don't manifested by words, but action alone.

Your actions prove the opposite to your words.

Sweet words provide temporary happiness to the mind.

But truthful, sincere & loving act give ever lasting joy to the heart.

You may be able to manipulate my mind, but never my heart.

Cuz the heart is strong.

Every beat it makes, sustains the body.

Such a strong heart, only the persistent could win.

And I have decided, not you.

stress

I am SINGING OUT LOUD now!!!!

Stressed!!!!!!!

Can someone give me a mic please?

I wanna sing louder!!!!


Talking bout singing, I remembered me & tay went to Neway to karaoke.

period

My tummy is painful... At last my period comes. May be my cycle is 30days. I only started recording my period since last Jan.

Jan 16--> Feb 15--> March 17--> 30days cycle.

Got to see when is it next month. Hope it will be regular. Luckily this time around, I dun really have leg cramp, or may be not yet? ahh.. I dun like it. Feels like I lost one leg when my thigh starts to ache..

Need a hand on my tummy. arghh.. Means I will have it when I go to Keningau? Oh no.. Such uncomfortable it will be...

Die

Seems like I never stop packing. I have been started pack my things since last week. Arghh.. I have to empty the room before I leave this Friday. And at the same time Ihave to pack my things for Keningau. Such a headache. So many clothes I wanna bring. But I am gonna be there for only 5 weeks. But the clothes I packed can last me 1 year. Aiyoo... Which clothes to choose???? Feel like I wanna bring them all.....

Arghhhh!!!!


There are clothes to wash some more. Die la.. Need to study for exam too.. Sure die la!!!

Huhuhuhuhuhuuhuhuhuhuhu....................

Morning!

Good Morning!!!

Guess what? Today I wake up extra early. All because of the mosquitoes in the room. I was sleeping soundly from 12am, and planned to wake up at 6am. But it turned out that I wake up 3hours early than what I have planned.

It was so hot & dry. The mosquitoes on the other hand were happily feeding on me. My body itches all over. I used to have a mosquitoes repellent lotion that I bought when I went to Bako for Environment Camp. I thouhgt I won't use it anymore, so I gave it to my friend. Now, I so want it back. I had to wrap myself in under the blanket when it was extremely hot just to avoid the mosquitoes!

MM.. Who said that whoever last to sleep have to close the curtain & off the light? Now, who breaks the rule. Many people ( including me, I admit) pandai cakap tak pandai bikin. Many times already like this. Then I would become the victim.
So angry.

Whatever.

Back to the story. I studied for a while. I edited my previous post on the dinner college picture. Then I realize that today is already Tuesday. Exam is coming on Friday. And that Friday night itself I have to rush back to KK. I haven't packed my things yet. So many many things to do. And, the most heavy job is the weekly duty. This week : the toilet job.

So I cleaned the toilet.Brushed the wall. And I dunno whose detergent I used, just use la. Wash with water alone won't clean the dirty toilet. After cleaning also, still looks dirty.

MMM.... ok, another topic.

AFter this, I might not have time for my blog. It will be neglected for about 5 weeks until after I come back here from Keningau. I just having fun uploading my pictures into my blog. I feel like I want to upload more pictures. It is more alive with pictures. But I dun think I have so much time to spend for that.

MMM... Last night was a quiet one. Many times I reached my phone & typed something. But never click the SEND button. I just think, better not. Just leave it like that. I am so stubborn. I just dunno why. It is just too strong that I myself can't fight it. It is also proven by someone who read my palm. He said, if anyone on earth is stubborn 100%, I am stubborn 200%. Hahaha.. Like daughther, like mom. She was stubborn too. When she said no, always no.

Wow, It is 7am already. I wanna have some rest first before going to class..

Bye.

.......

Still missing. Gonna be worse.

College Dinner "Black & White" Hilton Hotel 2010

Venue: Hilton Hotel
(Nice hotel, with a nice attendant that brought us around just to halp us to take pictures.
Feel so like a glamour person with the camera man ready to take a snap of mine!)
Date : 14th March 2010
(which was also my dad's birthday. Luckily I remembered to send him a birthday wish b4 I went to the dinner. But I didn't pick up his call as I was busy dressing-up!Sorry dad, I was already late for that dinner!)
Theme: Black & White
( OO.. I looked more like attending a Retro Night Dinner.. But hey, it still in the theme of Hitam Putih! like cicak only... )
Food : Non-stop filling Buffet
(This is so deceiving. The food wass not nice, at least not a I expected it to be, considering the price of rm55!)
Additional Comment:
I look very chubby here! But, this is how Weizen always is right?
Fat or slim, I am still cute!
Yeahhh.. That is for sure!
:P

The dress I bought long before the Dinner College. I fell in love with it at the first sight. I think over & over again whether to buy or not. Then I walked out of the shop, telling myself,
"ok Weizen, you r not going to buy it.."
Well, after a few steps forward, I ran back to the shop & grabbed it!
I am girl... Who can blame me???? :)

Can u all see the difference between the fat & the slim????

Apart from shopping, one of my talent is to make silly but still cute & pretty pose! :P

Mmm... my chubby arms....

Wooo... Ken looked like a star of the night! Yeah, I guess he just took his time while his gf is in Sibu..

Those 3 starting from the left 3rd are our paeditric lecturers. Thanx 4 ur support. But too bad, I dun think they enjoyed the night, because it was conducted all the way using BM. How the hell would they understand, they are Burmist!!

A pic with my roomate, Belinda. Well, with that short & body-fitting dress, she's hot!

Next to me is Eli. She was so pretty that night. She should be the queen of the night..

MM, wrong girl la they choose that night. Do they know that the are certain criteria that a girl need to fullfill , in order to be qualified as The Queen?!!!

These are my close friends in Unimas!!!

Well, who says tudung girls can't dress up nicely? Look at my friends la... Hehe..

Aiya, my head senget.. But that is Weizen's style!!!

Interested in any of the girls in the pic? Feel free to contact me..

Woooo... I like my pose here!!! Haha.. So bitchy...
Who says I am not? U don't know me...
I can be tempting & hot.... :P

Pretty ladies ya????
Of course we are!!!

This is what we call as ONE MALAYSIA!!!

Wearing a waist high dress and just above knee long makes me look taller!
Illusion effect..

My batchmates. All dressed up!!!
See there I was, making a stupid pose again.. Oh, Weizen...

They called this poase as Weizen Pose. Haha..
Kan I said, I like to do stupid pose.. Why la U all follow also...

Hot girls again.. Have u decided to take which girl???
Ya, I know.. It's kinda hard to choose ya...
Wama should just take off that selendang.. let the naked skin visible! Hehe..

Last call... Which girl??? Dun shy shy ok...

Similajao 2009 happy moments

Welcome to Similajao, Bintulu...
These are the happy & crazy moments I have with my friends...
(Yeah, I know that u notice my chubby arms..)

We want to do some stunts here..
Ready? Get set! Go!!!!
Ok, run! Get ready to jump ladies!

Run!! Fast!!! Ohh.. I am grabing the stars above!!!

Alamak, nampak perut! Sexy!! Ignore that part please..

Again, jump! Higher! U can do it!

Wow, I am so high!!!

I fly free. woohooo!!!!!

ok la, enough. let's us land.

Ok, girls (mm, Shegay la pula..) Get ready to kick the water!

There you go! So alive! See my xpression, fuyoo!! Nice..

Sea water! So refreshing!

Konon je tu..

MM.. I must have done something stupid that I laughed like that.. haha..

Peace....

This is how I praise & give thanx to the mother nature...

Showing off my no-butt butt...

yuuhhuuu!

Yeay! Dinner College is coming!

I am gonna dress up, and........... EAT, EAT, EAT!!! Can't wait! I hope the food will be delicious!!

My strategy is, eat very very minimally on that day and eat like a monster on that night!

Haha.. Bijak, bijak...

SO happy to wear a dress that don't show my tummy. Hehehehehe...

thin & dehydrated

My skin is so dry! Noone wants to pamper me... That is why my skin is dehydrated..

My hair is becoming thinner. Because noone wants to play with my hairs... And lullaby me to sleep..

Sing me a song, I like it. That is sweet... Sweeettt...

Weizen, get back to study!

HEHEHEHE...

Eyes

I am done with my eyebrows! Yeay!

Hehe.. I dunno though exactly how to shape it, but I just follow my innermost instinct, shaped it according to my natural eyebrow line. I noticed that my face is a lil bit assymetry, especially the eyes. The left eye is higher than the right. Few times my friends asked me " why one of your eyes look small?" Yes, the asymmetry makes one of the eyes appears smaller than the other. BUt I cant tell exactly which one is. Because sometimes it is the right looks smaller, sometimes the other one. Weird. And then the distance between the eyelines and the eyelashes margin are also not same. I dunno which one, but one of it the distance is very narrow. So, sometimes it makes me look like a chinese girl. But sometimes the distance opens wide, and I look more like a Bumi.

Eyes.. Amazing, isn't it? Eyes are the window to the world. Eyes can tell any things without the mouth speaks.

How I wish there is one in this world that can know me through my eyes. Then I could spend the whole starry night at the beach with him, in a total silence, let alone the wave of the sea speaks..

MM...

I haven't replied someone's questions yet. What should I say. If only there is a guardian angel to tell me what to do. MMM... Whatever it is, I will get hurt. My heart feels so heavy.

Someone mentioned about attending my Graduation Day. Haha, Feel funny when I think about it. Because It never come across my mind that any one other than my family would purposely come to Kuching just to attend my Graduation Ceremony (which hopefully next year). Then I think, if there is, how nice, isn't it? I would be very happy then. Someones who are special in our life join us in our memorable moments, share the joy and the fruits of all the hard work, is the happiness that money can never buy.

Oh I can't wait for the moment! I can't wait to let my family, especially my dad to see me (finally) graduate with a Degree! I know it is my dad's highest hope to see his children success. But seems like so far, I am the only one that is on the way to achieve that. And I know that he is very very very happy and proud to see his daughter to be a Doctor. It is his dream. He used to say that one of his children must be a doctor and another priest. Haha.. Well, I dun think my bro will choose that way of life. Haha..

MM... Someone other than the family attending the ceremony? Well, If there is, I would be very happy! But I hope that person would be someone who is very special in my life. May be my best friend? Haha.. That girl? I dun think she would. She would be enjoying her practical with her loving BF. Hehe.. She won't have time for that. Well, dun wanna put any hope. To see my family come here, is more than enough. I hope all my bro would too. But I know how impossible is that. They won't take things like this as a very significant event in their life. Sad. I hope my uncle & aunty will come too. I want everyone to be happy that day. O, sure my tear of happiness will drop. Huhu.. I am so emotional in things like this. Hehe..

Dun wanna say so much things about the future now. The future changes. SOmetimes very drastically. Whatever changes it offers, I hope it will do me good. In fact, I do need some changes in life.

What love is?
I almost forget.

heartless

I am becoming heartless now.

Without feelings.

Without courage.

Ignorant.

Cold.

Insensitive.

Withdrawn.

Need some time to rehabilitate.

Need peace in my heart to restore everything.

I need the stars.

Grab one for me?

15kg luggage

It is rainy season now. I walked back from the hospital when it was drizzling. Fortunately I have my useful yellow-colored umbrella. Thought of going to Saberkas, seems like I have to cancel the plan.

I was browsing airasia. I wanted to change my luggage size to 25kg ofr Kch-KK flight next 2weeks. But the payment has to be made via credit card, which I don't have! How now? Sure my luggage will exceed the normal 15kg baggage weight allowed by AIrsia. And I dun wanna pay more during that time. MM... why it doesn't have any other mean to pay? I usually pay through my CIMB account.

Arghh.. Things like this make a credit card very useful. I wish I have one. But I dun think I would get it until I work later on n the future.
SO nice & jealous to see my friends who are provided credit card by their loving rich parents. I wish my dad could give me one too. But I know, it would ever happened.

I learn from my life that, I have to gain almost everything by myself. My life is not easy as others. But I am most aware too, that my life is not as bad as the rest. So, I never regret having my life like this. At least I can proudly tell others that I have been through the difficulties in life, most which are caused by financial restriction. Those experience reminds me of the value of money, value of family, value of love and the value of friendship. I believe they are far more expensive that even money can't buy.

rhythm of the heart

I feel sad....

Wish someone can just lend me a shoulder to lean on.

Wish someone can lend me a chest to lay my head on. I want to hear the beating of the heart. It makes me feel so peaceful. The sound are so loud that makes me feel alive again. The rhythm makes me lost in the world of love...

Lullaby me with the music of your heart...

I passed ortho!!

Yeay!

I passed my Ortho Posting!!! Hehe..
Thought I couldn't make it...
Luckily I listened to Prof ANam, didn't give up the OSCE paper. Otherwise, I would regret my whole life!

Though I know this time, I passed without dignity. I know I didn't study enough to reserve the "B". I know how badly I did in short case and Osce. I know that Prof Anam tried his best to help us.

But thinking about it wisely, it is not helping us. It is killing us. I mean not "us", but "me". Cuz I know I didn't reserve to pass. But I am thankful that although I cursed the food that poisoned me during the exam, it happened during Ortho. If I were in other posting, for sure I would fail awfully. It did give me a very valuable lesson to learn. Not to study last minute (Yeah right Miss Weizen!)

Hehe..

tummy

Fyuu.. Just swept my room!It was very dirty, dusty, and "hairy"!!!

I wonder why no1 seems to bother bout it.. The last time I swept the room was about 2 weeks ago. I was quite disappointed & a lil hurt when my roomate asked " when was the last time we swept the room, long time already right?"

MMMMM.. Is it "we" or "you"? Cuz I have been constantly sweeping the room, every week or at least 2 weeks. I didn't like to clean the room when my roomates are around. I dun need to tell people or let people know that, "hey, I am cleaning the room k?"

When you dun see me clean the room, doesn't mean that I didn't do my job. I dun like to let people know that I do the job. As long as I know that I am doing my job, it is enough for me, no need to show it off. And, it is way easier & convenient to clean the room while no1 is in. Cuz I usually dun like "obstruction" while doing it. And I also prefer people dun clean or sweep the room while I am in, cuz it is very dusty. I will move the chairs, the table fan out so that I can sweep the floor properly.

Just that I feel hurt. I dun need others to appreciate what I did. But it is disappointed to know that people actually think U dun do the job, when in fact u did, and when actually it is them that didn't do it. Just like what I said, just because u dun see me doing, or u urselves dun do it, dun think that I didn't do it too.. It hurts.

Well, I dun hate or blame anyone for that. People most of the time dun think like we think. We are just unique. Things like this I rather to keep it shut. I dun like to tell that to their face, cuz I am not good at it. So here is the place for me to express it out, freely. And I feel so much better.

Ok. that's about it.

Now, wanna talk about my weight.

Shit, why is that my weigh still 48kg?!! Is the weighing scale in the Opthalmo Clinic doesn't work? I expect my weight to be less than 48, like at least 46! Cuz I have been not eating greedily lately, especially since the food poisoing. And in fact I should have lost at least a lil kg during the food poisoning, as I hardly ate that time. And what I ate, I threw up or dispense it through the "back door". And lately I have been doing sit-ups regularly.. And I dun really feel my abdomen that bloated or bulged out compared to when I last weighed myself, which showed the figure 48.

How come I still weigh 48!!!!!!!

This is weird, isn't it? ( or am I denying the fact that I am actually 48)

This is disappointing, and demotivating!! Seems like what I have worked out, fruitless!

NOOOOO..... Oh noooo..... I wanna go back to my usual regular weight! 45kg!!!! But why now it is still 48!!!!!!

sewing??? for real?

Despite all the busy days at hospital with the presentations, clinics, BST, still I feel bored and empty.
What the hell is wrong with me ya? I thought I could replace the emptiness inside with works, works and more works. It can't. And I wish I could replace them with money, shoppings, laughing. But they are just temporarily. The happiness that the world can give me is never lasting, it has an expired date, after which I have to find another source of fun to fill the gap.
May be I should find new hobbies.. I am thinking of sewing? Hehe.. I love it actually, but no time. I like to add more accessories like the shiny beads or decorating button to my clothes. The one in my mind now is to decorate my tops, those that looks very plain and empty, with my name, my beautiful name, WEIZEN.
I have one top, which I bought for rm60, and now I regretted. It is expensive just because of its brand, ELLE. The fact is, it is nothing but just a plain black body-fitting top. SO regret to buy that! I could have bought other better, pretty top instead of that ugly ELLE. Errr!!!

s.h.o.p.p.i.n.g

Hello! I am back again, after the last post of stupid food poisoning that might cause me an "F" in Orthopaedics Posting!
Such a stupid food posoning that it occured just 2 days before my big exam, with the deadly high grade fever, chills and rigor. That was the worst food poisoning ever since 4 years ago, when I was poisoned by over-eating yummy durian.
But this time, I dunno what was the cause. May be the Tosei I ate in Ammah Curry House.
It was terrible! I couldn't study at all. I had already enjoyed in the book-free CNY holiday, and wanted to study to the max the remaining days before exam. But the food poisoning spoilt it all.
I almost gave up the exam already. And I decided not to go for the OSCE paper as I was terribly ill. But Prof Anam said, if i didn't do, I would fail. I was so dun wanna fail.. At last, after a rational consideration, with all the energy left, I WALKED to the hospital UNDER THE SUN. Only god knows what tragedy it was....
Go to hell with the food poisoing!

Now I wanna talk about something happy....

Heheh... I went shopping yesterday! Alone.. So nice.. I can have the time all to myself to try the clothes on. That is why I like to be alone. I dun need to wait for other people, and so do they. I was so happy!
Many of my friends said, wa you are so brave! MMM.. Brave?? is that an act of brave? I have been doing that ever since I was in secondary school. Walk and do things alone. Settle my problems myself. Not something that I wanna boast about, but that was just how I brought up. Many people would think that I must have been much pampered like a lil princess by my family since I am the only girl. MM.. what can I say? It is totally wrong. I am not. I am independent. Never felt to be pampered like other children. Miss my mom. May be she would, if only she is still around. Sometimes I wonder, how things would be, if she is. Only God can tell...

Back to the shopping...
I bought 5 tops and 1 piece of 3/4 jeans. All fits me just nicely.. Which means I can't gain weight. If not, I have to keep them all in the cupboard folded and untouched. Hehe.. I purposely buy a 27 sized jeans, and not the 28. I tell myself, "Girl, if u want to wear nice clothes, mind ur weight"
Hehe... But so far so good. I have been sticking well to my sit-ups exercise. hehe.. I do at least 2 times a day, 1 time 30 sit-ups. I hope I can maintain it. Not to lose weight, but just to keep my abdominal muscles tight and not flabby. I wish I can do the same to my arms...

Ohhh.. How I wish every month I have an extra money to shop. I am really addicted to shopping. This time, when I shop for clothes, I will opt for sexier ones. Enough with the long baby-t that always been my fav. Now, I want to become WEIZEN in secondary school, who was more fashionable then.
But what can I do, I stay in the hostel, where the majority are Malays. If I wear sleeveless, mini skirt, tube, one-string, most will surely give me one kind of look, like a sinful person, berpakaian tak senonoh di hostel dan fakulti. MM.. what more can I say.. Their definition of berperkaian senonoh and mine are not the same. Obviously I wont wrap myself to be senonoh in berpakaian. As long as we are comfortable, why not? Dun see us like "we are too much, tak jaga budaya timur" just because you dun wear like we wear.
Arghh.. I am so wanting to wear my miniskirt. I have been keeping it in the cupboard for so long. I wanna wear them. But here, I just can't!!! Tahan, tahan, and tahan.... hehehehehe..

Penat la.. bye.
hehe..