Thought I could let it goes..
Thought I have decided that the best is not belonged to me..
Thought I would be relief, happy...
Thought I can keep everything locked in a safe box. Not to open again.
I thought, as time goes by, the wound will self healed.
Thought time is the doctor..
But I was, all wrong...
I am so fragile.
Ur name, still deeply engraved inside.
My heart sanks when I heard ur name.
When I see it is not me, not me, no longer me, u r sweet talking to.
And when I see ur face,
It is all coming back to me..
U know how poor I am in words.
But u understand without me even utter one.
U know the best of me.
And the bitter of me.
And u accept everything, with no doubt.
How could I find someone like u...
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Hi november! I love u!
Nothing is special actually. Just that the date is pretty.
1.11.11.
And it is my day off! Yoohoo!
Just had a breakfast with a fren. Menu : nasi lemak + teh tarik. Nice to eat n chit chat. Thanx to still have someone to bring me out for drinks.
And that little caffein in the drink makes me a lil high now. So energetic. Many to-do things in my mind now. Ironing baju which job should be done centuries ago, potong kuku ku yang terlampau panjang ini. And many many more. Hope my actions is louder than my words.
Time moves so fast when we r happy ya? I like this saying,
Time flies for those who r happy, time crawls for those who weep, but for those who love, time is eternal.
How true is that.
Ok, let's love!
I love u! Mmuahh mmuahh mmuahh! Oh yeah, I love u! Yes I love u!
Hehehe...
Ok, back to my house chore! I love u!
1.11.11.
And it is my day off! Yoohoo!
Just had a breakfast with a fren. Menu : nasi lemak + teh tarik. Nice to eat n chit chat. Thanx to still have someone to bring me out for drinks.
And that little caffein in the drink makes me a lil high now. So energetic. Many to-do things in my mind now. Ironing baju which job should be done centuries ago, potong kuku ku yang terlampau panjang ini. And many many more. Hope my actions is louder than my words.
Time moves so fast when we r happy ya? I like this saying,
Time flies for those who r happy, time crawls for those who weep, but for those who love, time is eternal.
How true is that.
Ok, let's love!
I love u! Mmuahh mmuahh mmuahh! Oh yeah, I love u! Yes I love u!
Hehehe...
Ok, back to my house chore! I love u!
Friday, October 28, 2011
Friday, October 21, 2011
Kuching miao miao..
Here I am again, kuching!
How I miss to see those flat num statting from Q**, sliding on the road.
Particularly QMM 6787.
Wish I can bump into the owner.. But I know, it is impossible. I might have all the possibilities to bump into anyone here, but just not him. I am so used to the dissapoinment I got everytime I step ou of the church.
Just as I went out of the buggagge retrieval hall in the airport, I saw one st joe church member. Then I went to Satok, I saw Mr. Albert, my friendly MLT lecturer. Of all people, nnever him...
Sigh.
Well, apart from the flat number, I miss to hear the iban traditional music that ppl here alwasy set their ringtone with. I really love the music, the rhythm.
And I really fall in love with sarawak. The place, the people. I wish I can gey myself married to a sarawakian.. Hehe
All the memories rushing into my mind. The hardships I went through here, the people I met, the 6787 owner, the Bau guy, the church, the food, Spring, Boulevard, Wisma Merdeka. Everything.
Dunno when will I come here again.
But I do love sarawak.
H
Arghh, I have been wasting half day here in unimas just to settle the convo thing. Just when I wanted to grab my robe, they said I have hutang to pay. And when I wana pay, it closed for lunch hour, and here I am waiting in front of the bendahari office for it to open, and I am gonna be the first to get the damn number and settle everything stat!
How I miss to see those flat num statting from Q**, sliding on the road.
Particularly QMM 6787.
Wish I can bump into the owner.. But I know, it is impossible. I might have all the possibilities to bump into anyone here, but just not him. I am so used to the dissapoinment I got everytime I step ou of the church.
Just as I went out of the buggagge retrieval hall in the airport, I saw one st joe church member. Then I went to Satok, I saw Mr. Albert, my friendly MLT lecturer. Of all people, nnever him...
Sigh.
Well, apart from the flat number, I miss to hear the iban traditional music that ppl here alwasy set their ringtone with. I really love the music, the rhythm.
And I really fall in love with sarawak. The place, the people. I wish I can gey myself married to a sarawakian.. Hehe
All the memories rushing into my mind. The hardships I went through here, the people I met, the 6787 owner, the Bau guy, the church, the food, Spring, Boulevard, Wisma Merdeka. Everything.
Dunno when will I come here again.
But I do love sarawak.
H
Arghh, I have been wasting half day here in unimas just to settle the convo thing. Just when I wanted to grab my robe, they said I have hutang to pay. And when I wana pay, it closed for lunch hour, and here I am waiting in front of the bendahari office for it to open, and I am gonna be the first to get the damn number and settle everything stat!
Monday, October 17, 2011
Thanksgiving
Hello again.
Time for reflection. Tonight, time for thanksgiving.
Mm.. I miss to sing n worship. Talking bout singing, really, how I wish God could grant me a good voice. I love to sing. But I do not have the voice. :(
So jealous to see those with the gift of voice. If only I could have it, for just one day, is enough. That is how much I want the gift. If only I can sing, I would sing from the bottom of my heart. If only I could sing , i will worship and sing for Him.
Too bad, it is just one of my impossible to-have list. :(
It has been weeks since I didnt go to His house. Too lazy. Oh poor Weizy, how little faith art thy...
Ok let's get back to the main topic! Mm, where should I start with?
My car? Yup, my little humble viva. I still remember, how difficult life was without car during 5years of medical school life. How tired, irritating, troubling, to keep on asking fren's lift to class, to hospital. Have to ask who is going to the hosp, what time they go and follow their time.
And there was one time, when I was so stressed with studies, amd this prob of transport keep bugging me that i just xoudnt hold my tears. I felt so helpless, that I have to follow people everyday. And that time, all I can think was, if only I have a car right now!
but God is fair. Which is always my belief. He never abondoned His people, but His people do. He let me stay in the hostel for 3consecutive years, which not many students were given that oppurtunity. And He gives me frens that are not calculative and willing to give me a lift.
And therefore, I thank Him for them.
And now, I finally have my own car! It is just a viva, though. Not vios. But I am so grateful for it. I love my car that if it is a guy I would have kiss him..
It is not about the size, the brand, but how hard I earn that car! (though downpayment is by my dad la... Kekeke)
The more hard-earned thibg is, the more I apprexiate,it, the more I love it.
Just like my monthly pay. Last time I used to plan to buy this,to subscribe this, to go for regular facial treatment once I work. But now, I am so stingy,to just spend,my money for all those. Though now I spend on the food and eat like a king!
And for that, I thank Him for my dad.
Time for reflection. Tonight, time for thanksgiving.
Mm.. I miss to sing n worship. Talking bout singing, really, how I wish God could grant me a good voice. I love to sing. But I do not have the voice. :(
So jealous to see those with the gift of voice. If only I could have it, for just one day, is enough. That is how much I want the gift. If only I can sing, I would sing from the bottom of my heart. If only I could sing , i will worship and sing for Him.
Too bad, it is just one of my impossible to-have list. :(
It has been weeks since I didnt go to His house. Too lazy. Oh poor Weizy, how little faith art thy...
Ok let's get back to the main topic! Mm, where should I start with?
My car? Yup, my little humble viva. I still remember, how difficult life was without car during 5years of medical school life. How tired, irritating, troubling, to keep on asking fren's lift to class, to hospital. Have to ask who is going to the hosp, what time they go and follow their time.
And there was one time, when I was so stressed with studies, amd this prob of transport keep bugging me that i just xoudnt hold my tears. I felt so helpless, that I have to follow people everyday. And that time, all I can think was, if only I have a car right now!
but God is fair. Which is always my belief. He never abondoned His people, but His people do. He let me stay in the hostel for 3consecutive years, which not many students were given that oppurtunity. And He gives me frens that are not calculative and willing to give me a lift.
And therefore, I thank Him for them.
And now, I finally have my own car! It is just a viva, though. Not vios. But I am so grateful for it. I love my car that if it is a guy I would have kiss him..
It is not about the size, the brand, but how hard I earn that car! (though downpayment is by my dad la... Kekeke)
The more hard-earned thibg is, the more I apprexiate,it, the more I love it.
Just like my monthly pay. Last time I used to plan to buy this,to subscribe this, to go for regular facial treatment once I work. But now, I am so stingy,to just spend,my money for all those. Though now I spend on the food and eat like a king!
And for that, I thank Him for my dad.
Babies!
Another name for these newcomers --> monsters!
Don't u think so? They are full of hairs, what we medical personnel called as lanugo. They look just exactly like monkeys. Their faces are so small, smaller than my small fist, but full with hair.
All they know is to cry, cry, and cry.
Geram betul!!!
And one thing, Do not u ever look down on these monkey monster. Never ever fall into their trick muka splosen, their helpless cry! I have enough with these species, and I know..
They pee on me, they kick me, and paling geram, when all their tricks dont work, they fart or they just berak! Kurang ajar kan?
These happened when I took their blood. But hey, I am the boss after all. I prick u, u cry. Cry HELPLESSLY. haha...
You naughty little monkey monster! :p
Sorry peeps, I just dont have the motherly love, Yet!
Don't u think so? They are full of hairs, what we medical personnel called as lanugo. They look just exactly like monkeys. Their faces are so small, smaller than my small fist, but full with hair.
All they know is to cry, cry, and cry.
Geram betul!!!
And one thing, Do not u ever look down on these monkey monster. Never ever fall into their trick muka splosen, their helpless cry! I have enough with these species, and I know..
They pee on me, they kick me, and paling geram, when all their tricks dont work, they fart or they just berak! Kurang ajar kan?
These happened when I took their blood. But hey, I am the boss after all. I prick u, u cry. Cry HELPLESSLY. haha...
You naughty little monkey monster! :p
Sorry peeps, I just dont have the motherly love, Yet!
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Will l? Will I ?
At home. Do not know what to do. Waiting for the time to pass and reach makan time.
Was looking through my fb pic , and saw my phuket vacation snaps.
Was so fun.. Wish I can go again.. And looking at those beautiful moment, makes me to miss my bestie sooo much...
Damn that girl, now she has a bump on her tummy! Gonna be an aunty very soon! All of my best frens are getting married nexy year. I feel so happy for them! But pretty sad for myself...
Not that I wanna get married. No.. Not yet. The commitment, I dare not to take yet. And hey! I havent enjoy my life to the fullest yet! most girls are very excited about getting married because of the wedding day,but days after that, no one will know.
Oh I miss her so much. Soon I will lose my bestie... To her husband.. N no more girl-only vacation no more gossiping no more sleeping sharing one bed, n
No more borrowing lending dresses. No more talking about make ups. I miss the old days... I miss my secondary school times..
Time flies, n now im 24. Alone, single, lonely. Huhu..
Nevermind weizy... That time, that very time, will come, and take u aback, n u will feel how wonderful ur life is.. How super smart god is, to close all the doors, just to let the one, that very special one, to open the door amd surpnrise u..
Just have faith weizy... It will come...
Yup! while waiting, let me just sit back, take a sip of hazelnut flavoured coffee latte, and enjoy the moment, the present. Which IS EXACTLY WHAT I AM DOING NOW! At Jesselton Coffee.
This is my 3rd time coming here. I likd this place, so far during any of my coffee-enjoying moment, I havent bumped into anyone from the hospital. Hehe.. I prefer a private life :)
Many of my frens asked why do I always spend time alone. It sounds pity to them. But why not? This is the knly gift I can give to myself, after a hectic life in the hospital. The only time I can sit back, relax and reflect the day, the life..
So many things going into my mind now. So many things to write here. But so much to type n that I do not what to and where to start with.
Next week, gonna take a 5days off, for the first time since working, for my once-in-a-life-time convo. But im not that. so excited, so looking forward for it. I just feel sad. One important person in my life, couldnt attend it..
Mami, I always wonder how life would be, if only u are here. Will u be proud? Of me.. Will u always bug me, call me everyday just like every other mother would do to their only girl? Will I be not this lonely? Cuz I have u to talk with, complaint to? Will I? Will I?
There are, just, so many many questions that life couldnt answer me...
And that keep my mind occupied, wondering, guessing the answers.
Im scared I wil just not able to hold my tear, on that day..
each graduate will only allowed to bring 2 persons to the convo ceremony. Everyone is bringing their parents. And me.. Im cracking my head, thinking of how to fill I
Up the other empty seat...
Was looking through my fb pic , and saw my phuket vacation snaps.
Was so fun.. Wish I can go again.. And looking at those beautiful moment, makes me to miss my bestie sooo much...
Damn that girl, now she has a bump on her tummy! Gonna be an aunty very soon! All of my best frens are getting married nexy year. I feel so happy for them! But pretty sad for myself...
Not that I wanna get married. No.. Not yet. The commitment, I dare not to take yet. And hey! I havent enjoy my life to the fullest yet! most girls are very excited about getting married because of the wedding day,but days after that, no one will know.
Oh I miss her so much. Soon I will lose my bestie... To her husband.. N no more girl-only vacation no more gossiping no more sleeping sharing one bed, n
No more borrowing lending dresses. No more talking about make ups. I miss the old days... I miss my secondary school times..
Time flies, n now im 24. Alone, single, lonely. Huhu..
Nevermind weizy... That time, that very time, will come, and take u aback, n u will feel how wonderful ur life is.. How super smart god is, to close all the doors, just to let the one, that very special one, to open the door amd surpnrise u..
Just have faith weizy... It will come...
Yup! while waiting, let me just sit back, take a sip of hazelnut flavoured coffee latte, and enjoy the moment, the present. Which IS EXACTLY WHAT I AM DOING NOW! At Jesselton Coffee.
This is my 3rd time coming here. I likd this place, so far during any of my coffee-enjoying moment, I havent bumped into anyone from the hospital. Hehe.. I prefer a private life :)
Many of my frens asked why do I always spend time alone. It sounds pity to them. But why not? This is the knly gift I can give to myself, after a hectic life in the hospital. The only time I can sit back, relax and reflect the day, the life..
So many things going into my mind now. So many things to write here. But so much to type n that I do not what to and where to start with.
Next week, gonna take a 5days off, for the first time since working, for my once-in-a-life-time convo. But im not that. so excited, so looking forward for it. I just feel sad. One important person in my life, couldnt attend it..
Mami, I always wonder how life would be, if only u are here. Will u be proud? Of me.. Will u always bug me, call me everyday just like every other mother would do to their only girl? Will I be not this lonely? Cuz I have u to talk with, complaint to? Will I? Will I?
There are, just, so many many questions that life couldnt answer me...
And that keep my mind occupied, wondering, guessing the answers.
Im scared I wil just not able to hold my tear, on that day..
each graduate will only allowed to bring 2 persons to the convo ceremony. Everyone is bringing their parents. And me.. Im cracking my head, thinking of how to fill I
Up the other empty seat...
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Woot!
Hello world! Good morning! Woohoo! Yeehaa!
I strongly believe this is the after-day-off effect!
Silly weizy is so energetic, singing Tsamina Mina Eh Eh Waka Waka Eh Eh Tsamina Mina Zangalewa This is Africa!
Dont believe me, this is just the side effect of caffein!
Yeah there u go weizy. wake up at 3am to study NRP. Why?
Well.. Because today I am the Doraemon! Woohoo! Pssstt.. Anything u want? Magic door? Oh no. i'm sorry. I'd better save it for myself, might need that to disappear myself to the OT later! Can't wait to be the heroin of the day! Woot! Woohoo! Can I just shout at the world already! Woohoo! Woooo! Gosh why am I so energetic!!
Waka waka Eh Eh!
Wish I can have the energy like this everyday. Singing myself all the way long from the carpark right to the main entrance of the 6th floor of HDOK, which pretty much says something like this, "PAEDIATRIC WARD".
Hahaha. Wooo, may be this is the sign of bumping into my prince charming eh?? Woot! Woot! Peeewwwit!
Haha.. Seriously I am way too high, euphoric!
Tsamina mina zangalewa!
Yeah yeah today is sunday! No idea y am I so excited bout it when I will work till 5. Sunday, it is time for church. Hope I have the energy to go. Sing and sing for the lord! Huhu reminds me of the superb choir team of st joe in kuching. Really love the voice. My most fav part is when they play the alleluia part just after the reading with the iban traditional music! And I would be the loner standing among the crowds, so excited to sing the alleluia!
Wow I m so missing kuching!
And QMM 6787.......
Haiz. Belinda couldnt help.. And she is my last hope. Looks like he would just be my distant dream. As it already is..
Sigh... Tell me how on earth would it not be a dream.. When I am here, right here, this tiny little spot of sandakan, surrounded by a 80% suluk, or may be bugis, banjar? Argh wut ever u call these PTI!
While he is there, surrounded by the pretty ibans n bidayuhs, wutever local they have there... And has never (ever !) came to know bout my existence...
Sad little memory that I kept in my luggage when I was leaving on the jet plane in april this year...
Well well, everything unto thy hands lord.. Let thy will be done, and I carry it out for u, my master...
I strongly believe this is the after-day-off effect!
Silly weizy is so energetic, singing Tsamina Mina Eh Eh Waka Waka Eh Eh Tsamina Mina Zangalewa This is Africa!
Dont believe me, this is just the side effect of caffein!
Yeah there u go weizy. wake up at 3am to study NRP. Why?
Well.. Because today I am the Doraemon! Woohoo! Pssstt.. Anything u want? Magic door? Oh no. i'm sorry. I'd better save it for myself, might need that to disappear myself to the OT later! Can't wait to be the heroin of the day! Woot! Woohoo! Can I just shout at the world already! Woohoo! Woooo! Gosh why am I so energetic!!
Waka waka Eh Eh!
Wish I can have the energy like this everyday. Singing myself all the way long from the carpark right to the main entrance of the 6th floor of HDOK, which pretty much says something like this, "PAEDIATRIC WARD".
Hahaha. Wooo, may be this is the sign of bumping into my prince charming eh?? Woot! Woot! Peeewwwit!
Haha.. Seriously I am way too high, euphoric!
Tsamina mina zangalewa!
Yeah yeah today is sunday! No idea y am I so excited bout it when I will work till 5. Sunday, it is time for church. Hope I have the energy to go. Sing and sing for the lord! Huhu reminds me of the superb choir team of st joe in kuching. Really love the voice. My most fav part is when they play the alleluia part just after the reading with the iban traditional music! And I would be the loner standing among the crowds, so excited to sing the alleluia!
Wow I m so missing kuching!
And QMM 6787.......
Haiz. Belinda couldnt help.. And she is my last hope. Looks like he would just be my distant dream. As it already is..
Sigh... Tell me how on earth would it not be a dream.. When I am here, right here, this tiny little spot of sandakan, surrounded by a 80% suluk, or may be bugis, banjar? Argh wut ever u call these PTI!
While he is there, surrounded by the pretty ibans n bidayuhs, wutever local they have there... And has never (ever !) came to know bout my existence...
Sad little memory that I kept in my luggage when I was leaving on the jet plane in april this year...
Well well, everything unto thy hands lord.. Let thy will be done, and I carry it out for u, my master...
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Don't know how to describe the feelings I have now, in my heart. It just feel heavy. I am becoming lack of word, my vocabulary is exhausting.
I feel more comfortable to just let my mind drift away. Looking through people, with weak blink. Listening to the background noice. keep my breathing slow and shallow.
Looking for a spot in sandakan to stop my car. A spot with no building, no roof, no people, just nature. I am missing the beach.
Wonder if there is a place for star gazing here..
Desperate for fresh air.
Everyday I am trapped in a building looking after sick child, trying to satisfy and do what the boss says, and when I leave that place, the sun has already on its way back to his dwelling, place. Everyday is tiring. Everyday I meet the same people, talking about medical stuff, discussing about patients, say goodbye just to meet them again and do the same thing the next day. Colleagues and friends are different.
This everyday routine makes me numb and numb-er each day.
It is not about the work. But the life.
Need friends that I can laugh with, talk with, lean my head with no physical boundary.
. Miss the old time when the girls are sharing the same bed chit chatting, gossiping, shopping.
So much to share. So much to tell. But no one. Cuz not simply anyone can. Only those I have faith with.
I feel more comfortable to just let my mind drift away. Looking through people, with weak blink. Listening to the background noice. keep my breathing slow and shallow.
Looking for a spot in sandakan to stop my car. A spot with no building, no roof, no people, just nature. I am missing the beach.
Wonder if there is a place for star gazing here..
Desperate for fresh air.
Everyday I am trapped in a building looking after sick child, trying to satisfy and do what the boss says, and when I leave that place, the sun has already on its way back to his dwelling, place. Everyday is tiring. Everyday I meet the same people, talking about medical stuff, discussing about patients, say goodbye just to meet them again and do the same thing the next day. Colleagues and friends are different.
This everyday routine makes me numb and numb-er each day.
It is not about the work. But the life.
Need friends that I can laugh with, talk with, lean my head with no physical boundary.
. Miss the old time when the girls are sharing the same bed chit chatting, gossiping, shopping.
So much to share. So much to tell. But no one. Cuz not simply anyone can. Only those I have faith with.
Missing her
I miss my mummy..
It has been 9years..
Time moves so fast.
Met her few night ago, in the dreamland.
So beautiful, she looks so young.
She smiles, a beautiful one.
Alas, I dun remember what was it all about.
I just remember that she looks so happy, looks pretty.
I hope I wil have the dream again. That's the only place.i can afford to have a peep on her..
It has been 9years..
Time moves so fast.
Met her few night ago, in the dreamland.
So beautiful, she looks so young.
She smiles, a beautiful one.
Alas, I dun remember what was it all about.
I just remember that she looks so happy, looks pretty.
I hope I wil have the dream again. That's the only place.i can afford to have a peep on her..
Saturday, September 3, 2011
He who walks with me
Beginning to feel his presence.
He speaks in silence, but I heard his voice.
The path is crooked, but he holds my hand.
My work is heavy, but he gives me joy.
The future seems dark, but he enlighten it.
It is impossible, but not to him.
I knew, I know, and I always believe, he is with me, even during the darkess hour of my life.
Even when I doubt him.
Nothing is to be compared to u.
I feel the joy. Give me more.
Yes, you. You, who walk with me.
He speaks in silence, but I heard his voice.
The path is crooked, but he holds my hand.
My work is heavy, but he gives me joy.
The future seems dark, but he enlighten it.
It is impossible, but not to him.
I knew, I know, and I always believe, he is with me, even during the darkess hour of my life.
Even when I doubt him.
Nothing is to be compared to u.
I feel the joy. Give me more.
Yes, you. You, who walk with me.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Reflecting life in sandakan
Wow.. It has been 1month plus since I 1st step into sandakan.
And what shall I say about the life here?
To make everything short, no life.
I just finished a fucking tiring oncall. Tomorrow oncall again. Yeah, I have dunno how many cycles of
EOD call this month. Thanx to all colleagues who celebrate raya. I guess they are now enjoying their home life to the max. With all the kuih raya, home cooked delicious food.. Getting to mert friends & family.
I believe nothing is more valuable then that. What more after a month of victory defeating the food.
Nevermind, I ll have my turn. Just wait, chinese new year! Punya majn lama lg tu... :(
Im alone in the house now. Times like this when im lonely, I love to indulge myself deep to my thoughts. reflecting on life, things that evolves around me. Cherrish every moment god allows me to have.
Last night during my call, a baby died. Seeing many deaths in this line of life, is anavoidable. Death become my routine. Bit by bit, it demolishes my feelings of being sorry. But last night was different. I dun know why the baby suddenly deteriorated when he was all the while ok. May be it is partly due to my inadequate clinical experience to see the warning signs he gave. There was 1 episode of desaturation requiringanual bagging via face mask. And he was able to saturate after nasal prong. but still tachypnic and distress. It never crossed my mind that this baby might be in impending resp arrest and would require intubation. And true enough baby become cyanosed and desat again 3h later when I was bz attending other patient. 8h of resuscitation, brings everytging in vain. We tried our best but he didnt survive. The baby was strong, though on the last moments of his life, he still open his eyes, he looked so adorable. Would he survive if we picked up the the signs? But what can I do when all I have is just a teaspoon of knowledge & a pinch of clinical experience. What more, we were bombarded by many new admissions. Yeah! I tot I wud have a cold call, since it is raya. who knows many baby like to come out on the 1st day after of finishing the fadsting month. And it was my 1st call inNICU. At times like this, all I can do is to follow order from MO. Though somet imesI doubt the action & order, I have to follow. And im so worry beause I am sure they will discuss this case during the mortality meeting. So many things might b brought up. And only now I realize hw important is the documentation, everytime we review patient. Be it a am review, pm or oncall. Everything has to be written especially those ordered verbally by boss. Cus idfwe dont, when there r issues months later when we have forget everything, the only thing they can use to trace,defend or shoot us is the case note. Im worried now. Cuz I pronouce the death of the baby, which by right HO cant. But this what happened when u r trapped in between what u shud do and what ur boss ordered u. Mo on callh has clearly told me just to write down everything that is necessary, anf left me with the "cause of death" to writtten in necessary form nd inform family. When child finally died, I called her up to let her confirm the death, but once again she repeat the same order, and said she doesnt need to come to examine. So what can I do. It is
an order, and as the junior ones I have to follow. I just hope that everything will b ok when they bring this case up.
When the family was informed regarding the impending death of their child, I felt sorry for them. The first time I feelt sorry when death comes. The dad broke down n cried. The mother was still in pain from the lscs. That was their precisus only child after 2times abortion. And it was first day of raya. The father was wearing baju melayu. There was one 6y child following them, may b their son or may b not, cuz he wear the same pattern of baju melayu as the father's. But what was documented they dont have other child.
So there goes my raya call... A busy, sad, and a potential legal case.
And what shall I say about the life here?
To make everything short, no life.
I just finished a fucking tiring oncall. Tomorrow oncall again. Yeah, I have dunno how many cycles of
EOD call this month. Thanx to all colleagues who celebrate raya. I guess they are now enjoying their home life to the max. With all the kuih raya, home cooked delicious food.. Getting to mert friends & family.
I believe nothing is more valuable then that. What more after a month of victory defeating the food.
Nevermind, I ll have my turn. Just wait, chinese new year! Punya majn lama lg tu... :(
Im alone in the house now. Times like this when im lonely, I love to indulge myself deep to my thoughts. reflecting on life, things that evolves around me. Cherrish every moment god allows me to have.
Last night during my call, a baby died. Seeing many deaths in this line of life, is anavoidable. Death become my routine. Bit by bit, it demolishes my feelings of being sorry. But last night was different. I dun know why the baby suddenly deteriorated when he was all the while ok. May be it is partly due to my inadequate clinical experience to see the warning signs he gave. There was 1 episode of desaturation requiringanual bagging via face mask. And he was able to saturate after nasal prong. but still tachypnic and distress. It never crossed my mind that this baby might be in impending resp arrest and would require intubation. And true enough baby become cyanosed and desat again 3h later when I was bz attending other patient. 8h of resuscitation, brings everytging in vain. We tried our best but he didnt survive. The baby was strong, though on the last moments of his life, he still open his eyes, he looked so adorable. Would he survive if we picked up the the signs? But what can I do when all I have is just a teaspoon of knowledge & a pinch of clinical experience. What more, we were bombarded by many new admissions. Yeah! I tot I wud have a cold call, since it is raya. who knows many baby like to come out on the 1st day after of finishing the fadsting month. And it was my 1st call inNICU. At times like this, all I can do is to follow order from MO. Though somet imesI doubt the action & order, I have to follow. And im so worry beause I am sure they will discuss this case during the mortality meeting. So many things might b brought up. And only now I realize hw important is the documentation, everytime we review patient. Be it a am review, pm or oncall. Everything has to be written especially those ordered verbally by boss. Cus idfwe dont, when there r issues months later when we have forget everything, the only thing they can use to trace,defend or shoot us is the case note. Im worried now. Cuz I pronouce the death of the baby, which by right HO cant. But this what happened when u r trapped in between what u shud do and what ur boss ordered u. Mo on callh has clearly told me just to write down everything that is necessary, anf left me with the "cause of death" to writtten in necessary form nd inform family. When child finally died, I called her up to let her confirm the death, but once again she repeat the same order, and said she doesnt need to come to examine. So what can I do. It is
an order, and as the junior ones I have to follow. I just hope that everything will b ok when they bring this case up.
When the family was informed regarding the impending death of their child, I felt sorry for them. The first time I feelt sorry when death comes. The dad broke down n cried. The mother was still in pain from the lscs. That was their precisus only child after 2times abortion. And it was first day of raya. The father was wearing baju melayu. There was one 6y child following them, may b their son or may b not, cuz he wear the same pattern of baju melayu as the father's. But what was documented they dont have other child.
So there goes my raya call... A busy, sad, and a potential legal case.
Monday, August 15, 2011
Lonely
Such mixed feelings. Need a shoulder to lean on. all I want is to let it all out. I just want to cry... But the tear just wont out..
At the end, it is just all the unspoken cry..
At the end, it is just all the unspoken cry..
Monday, June 27, 2011
sweet yet distant dream
It has been months now, since I last saw him. Indeed, he is still in my mind. And I am missing him.
What a sweet but distant dream u are, boy....
Smokers
Ok here I am in KK. Running away from the boredom in Labuan.
But looks like it doesn't spare me here as well.
MM.. kinda hate the life here, Right Here!
Staying here with people with terrible attitudes, disgusting habits in a dirty home doesn't make my life any better.
Let me have a few words on smoker. I think, they are among the most self-fish people living on the mother earth.
So much to say about the bad effects that it brings, besides the so called calming puff that they breathe into their lungs.
They just too dumb to realize it, too ignorant to aware, too stubborn to absorb the advice, and I guess too healthy to become sick.
Well, i don't care you guys smoke. It is not my fucking business when finally one day you guys dying on the bed thinking why on earth would you even touched the thing !
But when u smoke, I take that damn fucking killing smelly smoke in too!
Try to hold your breath for 3min, or may be 2? See if u can survive or not. I mean, God gives us the air, the damn fucking air for us to breathe. And there are just selfish people who polute it, and other people like me have to take it!
There is so much to say about this species. but just to cut it short, they are nothing but selfish people.
But looks like it doesn't spare me here as well.
MM.. kinda hate the life here, Right Here!
Staying here with people with terrible attitudes, disgusting habits in a dirty home doesn't make my life any better.
Let me have a few words on smoker. I think, they are among the most self-fish people living on the mother earth.
So much to say about the bad effects that it brings, besides the so called calming puff that they breathe into their lungs.
They just too dumb to realize it, too ignorant to aware, too stubborn to absorb the advice, and I guess too healthy to become sick.
Well, i don't care you guys smoke. It is not my fucking business when finally one day you guys dying on the bed thinking why on earth would you even touched the thing !
But when u smoke, I take that damn fucking killing smelly smoke in too!
Try to hold your breath for 3min, or may be 2? See if u can survive or not. I mean, God gives us the air, the damn fucking air for us to breathe. And there are just selfish people who polute it, and other people like me have to take it!
There is so much to say about this species. but just to cut it short, they are nothing but selfish people.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
insomnia
Having insomnia lately. To be exact, initial insomnia.
Would that mean an early sign towards depression?
My Psy book had all gone down the trash can, cause I know that I won't get myself near to that field.
I mean, it is nice talking to people with Schizophrenia, it is interesting to know what's in their minds, what is the voice telling them, what do they see.
But we all know that is not true. it is just a disorder of the brain, malfunction of some of the chemical connecting the neurons.
Shit, this long empty holiday melts my brain.
To continue, I know what's bugging my mind. All those never-ending-prob.
Trying to call for some help, but I guess it is on the way. It was yesterday, is today, and will be still on the way tomorrow.
Well, yesterday, I add one new person to my friend list. Not a friend yet though, and may not be. At least I talked to a stranger, which is a potential friend. Which I am so desperate for at the moment.
I should socialize more, make more friends. But weizen is just poor in making friends.
People usually have the impression of That girl is so cold (looking at me).
Well, I am what I am. it is hard to change. it is just the outer me. If only people understand...
The typing sounds seems to lullaby me. Gonna head back to the bed. Try to sleep.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Aishiteru
OOOO... I love this song. **jiwang mode**
Just exactly what I feel, for someone out there.
Can I dedicate, forward this song to him, someone whom I will live with in the future? kekekeke..
Sometimes, I just wish, if only i can communicate with him, in my dream?
No to say communicate exactly, but just to see him, in anyway, vision may be? or dream?
I still remember one guy, a friend of mine, told me, that he can communicate with someone in his dream. I asked him how, but he didn't want to share the secret with me. He said, He scared I would do it with other guy, not him. Haha.. Well, he liked me then. I don't know if that kind of thing really exist. But it just sounds unbelievable. And, until now, I don't know his secret, cuz I never answer his love. (that is just typical of Weizy...)
So, to my man, whom will I spend the rest of my life with ( God's Will ), here is the song for you, from me.. Aishiteru...
Just exactly what I feel, for someone out there.
Can I dedicate, forward this song to him, someone whom I will live with in the future? kekekeke..
Sometimes, I just wish, if only i can communicate with him, in my dream?
No to say communicate exactly, but just to see him, in anyway, vision may be? or dream?
I still remember one guy, a friend of mine, told me, that he can communicate with someone in his dream. I asked him how, but he didn't want to share the secret with me. He said, He scared I would do it with other guy, not him. Haha.. Well, he liked me then. I don't know if that kind of thing really exist. But it just sounds unbelievable. And, until now, I don't know his secret, cuz I never answer his love. (that is just typical of Weizy...)
So, to my man, whom will I spend the rest of my life with ( God's Will ), here is the song for you, from me.. Aishiteru...
AISHITERU
Menunggu sesuatu yang sangat menyebalkan bagiku
saat ku harus bersabar dan trus bersabar
menantikan kehadiran dirimu
entah sampai kapan aku harus menunggu
sesuatu yang sangat sulit tuk kujalani
hidup dalam kesendirian sepi tanpamu
kadang kuberpikir cari penggantimu
saat kau jauh disana
ooo…
*
Gelisah sesaat saja tiada kabarmu kucuriga
entah penantianku takkan sia-sia
dan berikan satu jawaban pasti
entah sampai kapan aku harus bertahan
saat kau jauh disana rasa cemburu
merasuk kedalam pikiranku melayang
tak tentu arah tentang dirimu
apakah sama yang kau rasakan
reff:
walau raga kita terpisah jauh
namun hati kita selalu dekat
bila kau rindu pejamkan matamu
dan rasakan a a a aku
kekuatan cinta kita takkan pernah rapuh
terhapus ruang dan waktu
percayakan kesetiaan ini
akan tulus a a ai aishiteru
Bridge:
hapus sendiri pikiran melayang terbang
perasaan resah gelisah
jalani kenyataan hidup tanpa gairah
o…uo..
banyak segala misi dan ambisimu
akhiri semuanya cukup sampai disini
dan buktikan pengorbanan cintamu untukku
kumohon kau kembali
Saturday, May 14, 2011
aimless
My routine for the last 5days:
1. wake up the earliest at 10am.
2. Makan nasi lemak
3. Take a nap for at least 2 hours on the afternoon
4. Sleep around 1-2am watching channel 701 (thanx I still have this channel in Astro)
Internet line is very poor.
I do not know what to do.
I wanna jog, but feel so lazy to get myself up and wear my sport shoes.
I feel so sorry that I have to spend my holidays, the precious ones, given only after 5years of sweat, like this..
At times like this, as it usually is. I spend more time thinking.
The thought brings me back to the place where I was 2 last week.
MM.. miracles seems will never cross my path. not even once.
I was hoping to see Mr.6787, anywhere, the church, the street, the shops, anywhere, just anywhere.
I was hoping to bump into any Nissan, but not u.
I was searching for spiky hairs, but not u.
I was hoping to see big eyes, but not u.
Your face (sadly that's the only thing I know about you), stays in my memory.
1. wake up the earliest at 10am.
2. Makan nasi lemak
3. Take a nap for at least 2 hours on the afternoon
4. Sleep around 1-2am watching channel 701 (thanx I still have this channel in Astro)
Internet line is very poor.
I do not know what to do.
I wanna jog, but feel so lazy to get myself up and wear my sport shoes.
I feel so sorry that I have to spend my holidays, the precious ones, given only after 5years of sweat, like this..
At times like this, as it usually is. I spend more time thinking.
The thought brings me back to the place where I was 2 last week.
MM.. miracles seems will never cross my path. not even once.
I was hoping to see Mr.6787, anywhere, the church, the street, the shops, anywhere, just anywhere.
I was hoping to bump into any Nissan, but not u.
I was searching for spiky hairs, but not u.
I was hoping to see big eyes, but not u.
Your face (sadly that's the only thing I know about you), stays in my memory.
Thursday, May 12, 2011
Phuket
4th day in labuan. I am getting bored already.
Currently enjoying a cup of hot instant coffee, taking my sweet time to blog. (dunno what to write though)
Just settled my return tickets to KL anf Phuket.
Now, only the passport is a prob. Hope it will be done by next week, before I depart.
Can't wait. Yoohoo!!
Gonna go there with my best buddy, pretty stylish Tay. It has been quite a long time I didnt meet that girl.
Phuket gonna be a girl-only trip. Yeehaa!!!
You totally have no idea what these two girls will do in Phuket! ;P
Gonna enjoy myself to the fullest man!
Bikini?
Gonna work out for that lol.
and damn I just have 1 week, to shape up.
And i dun think im gonna make it. hahahahahaha...
Well, many other options aren't there? (evil smile...)
hohohohoho...
Please please, hope everything will be fine. The passport, please...
And these scars on my legs. Thanx to the trip to Satang island last week! Damn!
Anyway, I have some homeworks to do. I havent booked the hotel yet. Gonna survey for that. and I have to learn some basic Thai language. and surf as much as i can about Phuket. Where is nice, what food is yummy, everything. yeahhh!!
Phuket, Phuket, Phuket, Phuket!!!!
yeehaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Currently enjoying a cup of hot instant coffee, taking my sweet time to blog. (dunno what to write though)
Just settled my return tickets to KL anf Phuket.
Now, only the passport is a prob. Hope it will be done by next week, before I depart.
Can't wait. Yoohoo!!
Gonna go there with my best buddy, pretty stylish Tay. It has been quite a long time I didnt meet that girl.
Phuket gonna be a girl-only trip. Yeehaa!!!
You totally have no idea what these two girls will do in Phuket! ;P
Gonna enjoy myself to the fullest man!
Bikini?
Gonna work out for that lol.
and damn I just have 1 week, to shape up.
And i dun think im gonna make it. hahahahahaha...
Well, many other options aren't there? (evil smile...)
hohohohoho...
Please please, hope everything will be fine. The passport, please...
And these scars on my legs. Thanx to the trip to Satang island last week! Damn!
Anyway, I have some homeworks to do. I havent booked the hotel yet. Gonna survey for that. and I have to learn some basic Thai language. and surf as much as i can about Phuket. Where is nice, what food is yummy, everything. yeahhh!!
Phuket, Phuket, Phuket, Phuket!!!!
yeehaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sunday, May 8, 2011
NREJ, somehow somewhere...
Otherwise, he is good. But somehow, somewhere, I don't see myself there.
But then, after all, how can I throw a premature judgment, only knowing 20% of him?
MM.. 20% ya?
Yup, only 20%. Cuz, the time and the distance don't allow me. Myself, is a real barrier too..
I once decided, weizy, that is not your place...
Somehow, somewhere, the door is never fully closed.
I still keep reasoning. Keep giving excuse. Keep giving chance.
Though, many a times I am contradicting myself. Still. I keep reasoning.
Well, NREJ, SOmehow, Somewhere, you remain my special one, and that is why...
But then, after all, how can I throw a premature judgment, only knowing 20% of him?
MM.. 20% ya?
Yup, only 20%. Cuz, the time and the distance don't allow me. Myself, is a real barrier too..
I once decided, weizy, that is not your place...
Somehow, somewhere, the door is never fully closed.
I still keep reasoning. Keep giving excuse. Keep giving chance.
Though, many a times I am contradicting myself. Still. I keep reasoning.
Well, NREJ, SOmehow, Somewhere, you remain my special one, and that is why...
Where do I belonged to?
All of a sudden this question pop up.
Where?
Sadly, no where.
This is the first day of my life, after just ending another in Kuching. Life in The Land Of Hornbill is now neatly kept in my diary.
This is what I feel everytime I go back. Where am I heading to actually? Where am I longing for? Where?
Home? Which home? And where is that home?
And what is home again?
oh. I have almost forgotten what it feels like home.
It has been so long since I really was at home. Years.
Wow.. it is more than 10 years now..
Thinking back. Well... For Christ's sake, I don't belonged to any where. To anyone.
Last 5years, Her-story hidden, by strength. It is written in my eyes, my heart.
Whenever holidays came, I was happy, eager to go back, to meet families.
But each time I finally landed, I suddenly realize, where am I heading to? Where? Who are they that I am so eager to meet?
Despite being so excited to go back, I couldn't tell.... Wow..
The excitement is gone after I landed. Every single time.
So, It is Mother's Day huh?
Every restaurant is fully booked, everyone posts out HappY Mother's Day to their beloved mommy.
Hmmmm...... What more could I say..
Hey, it is written in the drops from my eyes too...
Where?
Sadly, no where.
This is the first day of my life, after just ending another in Kuching. Life in The Land Of Hornbill is now neatly kept in my diary.
This is what I feel everytime I go back. Where am I heading to actually? Where am I longing for? Where?
Home? Which home? And where is that home?
And what is home again?
oh. I have almost forgotten what it feels like home.
It has been so long since I really was at home. Years.
Wow.. it is more than 10 years now..
Thinking back. Well... For Christ's sake, I don't belonged to any where. To anyone.
Last 5years, Her-story hidden, by strength. It is written in my eyes, my heart.
Whenever holidays came, I was happy, eager to go back, to meet families.
But each time I finally landed, I suddenly realize, where am I heading to? Where? Who are they that I am so eager to meet?
Despite being so excited to go back, I couldn't tell.... Wow..
The excitement is gone after I landed. Every single time.
So, It is Mother's Day huh?
Every restaurant is fully booked, everyone posts out HappY Mother's Day to their beloved mommy.
Hmmmm...... What more could I say..
Hey, it is written in the drops from my eyes too...
Monday, May 2, 2011
appreciating life....
It is 2.51am, and my eyes are still wide open. Thanx to the long-hours sleep last night.
Currently is breathing the air of joy, the joy of finally finishing my MD, and get the prefix Doctor. The days of relief, when all the pressure, burden of study, exam, results are all taken off my shoulder.
Recalling the seconds of ending my exam. The tears were just out of control, coming down just right after I finished my last short case. It was a tear of mixed feeling. A tear of relief, a tear of freedom. At that very moment, I feel like a prisoner that has just finished serving 50years of his life behind the rail. Feel like to shout, to hug someone I love, and tell them in great joy that "Hey, I have gone through it! I have made it, I have made it!!!"
The last case, I was asked to examine a young 12 year old girl, with previous history of brain tumor. She has craniotomy scar, and tracheostomy scar on her neck. The examiner, after asking me question about the scars, told me, that this girl has been gone through difficult times in her life.
Ya.. I can see that.. It is all written in the tracheostomy scar.... My heart went to her..
Then I proceeded to my examinaton, this girl has CN6 and CN7 palsy. She was so cute, so innocent.. And She was very co-operative, totally different from a usual paediatric examination. I asked her to look at and follow my fingers, she obediently did. I asked her how many finger she saw when I showed her my Index finger, she didnt say much, just naive-ly showed her index finger, telling me she just saw 1 finger.
She touched me. Really...
When I see her, see the scars, scar that has its own story behind, the cranial nerve palsy that the brain tumor left her, I see myself. I see myself in the past 3 weeks, the period of agony, a war with the final exam. What suffering I have gone through...
And what suffering this girl had gone through in her early life... A naive girl....
My tear just wont stop. I feel sad for her, why such an innocent girl, so young, is given such great temptation. I believe, she has missed so much of her childhood life due to the disease. She can't play like other child at her age. She has to wear a thick spectacle to correct her visual impairment. I cried...
But at the same time, I feel a freedom, no more exam, no more burden, it is a moment of liberty.
I cried all the way back into my room..
That moment, was the most memorable time. Not even the time of announcing my result can beat it.
To that little girl, I hope God will bless her life, and give her what she has missed in her life, in other ways. And let her, become the inspiration to others, like me. An inspiration to appreciate life, what we have, and never complain what we lost...
Currently is breathing the air of joy, the joy of finally finishing my MD, and get the prefix Doctor. The days of relief, when all the pressure, burden of study, exam, results are all taken off my shoulder.
Recalling the seconds of ending my exam. The tears were just out of control, coming down just right after I finished my last short case. It was a tear of mixed feeling. A tear of relief, a tear of freedom. At that very moment, I feel like a prisoner that has just finished serving 50years of his life behind the rail. Feel like to shout, to hug someone I love, and tell them in great joy that "Hey, I have gone through it! I have made it, I have made it!!!"
The last case, I was asked to examine a young 12 year old girl, with previous history of brain tumor. She has craniotomy scar, and tracheostomy scar on her neck. The examiner, after asking me question about the scars, told me, that this girl has been gone through difficult times in her life.
Ya.. I can see that.. It is all written in the tracheostomy scar.... My heart went to her..
Then I proceeded to my examinaton, this girl has CN6 and CN7 palsy. She was so cute, so innocent.. And She was very co-operative, totally different from a usual paediatric examination. I asked her to look at and follow my fingers, she obediently did. I asked her how many finger she saw when I showed her my Index finger, she didnt say much, just naive-ly showed her index finger, telling me she just saw 1 finger.
She touched me. Really...
When I see her, see the scars, scar that has its own story behind, the cranial nerve palsy that the brain tumor left her, I see myself. I see myself in the past 3 weeks, the period of agony, a war with the final exam. What suffering I have gone through...
And what suffering this girl had gone through in her early life... A naive girl....
My tear just wont stop. I feel sad for her, why such an innocent girl, so young, is given such great temptation. I believe, she has missed so much of her childhood life due to the disease. She can't play like other child at her age. She has to wear a thick spectacle to correct her visual impairment. I cried...
But at the same time, I feel a freedom, no more exam, no more burden, it is a moment of liberty.
I cried all the way back into my room..
That moment, was the most memorable time. Not even the time of announcing my result can beat it.
To that little girl, I hope God will bless her life, and give her what she has missed in her life, in other ways. And let her, become the inspiration to others, like me. An inspiration to appreciate life, what we have, and never complain what we lost...
Thursday, April 28, 2011
6787
Fall in love.
But I guess, 6787 will just rest in my memory.
This week, would be the last chance, for me to say what I want to say. But i know, like the previous weeks, I wouldn't have the chance.
This will be the last week I see 6787.
Will never see 6787 again...
" Hey... Hi.. :) ... ermm, Ya, just wanna say hi..
MM.. Actually, it has been a long time, I wanna say hi, but I don't have the chance.
But mm.. Im going to leave next week. So mm, I might not have the chance to say hi again. So mm, I guess I'd better say now. ya...
Btw, Im W, U r?
Have no bad intention, u know.. just wanna be friends.. :)... "
But I guess, 6787 will just rest in my memory.
This week, would be the last chance, for me to say what I want to say. But i know, like the previous weeks, I wouldn't have the chance.
This will be the last week I see 6787.
Will never see 6787 again...
" Hey... Hi.. :) ... ermm, Ya, just wanna say hi..
MM.. Actually, it has been a long time, I wanna say hi, but I don't have the chance.
But mm.. Im going to leave next week. So mm, I might not have the chance to say hi again. So mm, I guess I'd better say now. ya...
Btw, Im W, U r?
Have no bad intention, u know.. just wanna be friends.. :)... "
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Less than 12 hours to my Final Exam result!
Exactly!!!
I am not so nervous now compared to the few minutes before going in to the exam yesterday.
But tomorrow, I will be nervous, my hands will shake, like I never before.
Tomorrow will be the announcement of my Final Professional Exam result. The exam that had put me into a lot of things. Depression, insomnia, disappointment, moments of giving up, caffeine intoxication.
I wonder, who works so hard like shit, other than the medical students, just to get the degree..
My room is nothing more than a Reban Ayam.
I slept with the books. My bed full with the notes. I've got no time to sweep the floor. Everything is just everywhere.
One point, I drank 4 cups of black arabia coffee from McD. And the next thing I get from it, was, my first ever gastric pain!
It was hell.
It was a continuum of learning process.
The pre-exam, during exam, and post- exam period. It sucks.
But this is what we call life, right?
Without all this, there is no chills in it.
I kinda like it, the moment of stress, how it feels, like a one-second next to dying. It gives me the thrill. And I am a person who loves thrill.
And tomorrow, will be the height of the greatest thrill that would happen to me, so far in my life.
The moment of true thrill.
Let me tell you how will they announce our result tomorrow.
They will call us one by one. Only those who passed. Those who missed, are those who failed, and need another 6 months to go through the same cycle of suffering again.
Those who will be called, will have a DR. pre-fix to their name. And they ll go up to the stage to get some letter or cert I don't know.
The problem is, my dad, Justin Anjim, named me Weizen. A name which always down down down the list. Can you imagine the stress that will on my shoulder tomorrow? Of course, mine wouldn't be as terrible as the one who has his name the last in the list!
Huhuhuhu...................
Will I pass? Will I carry the title Doctor tomorrow? Or will I have to wait for another 6 months here in Kuching, just to be reassessed?
I am in total numbness now. I don't feel the fear, the chills ( yet!).
I just hope everything will be fine. Graduate will all my friends. Leave no one behind..
Keeping my fingers crossed!!!
I am not so nervous now compared to the few minutes before going in to the exam yesterday.
But tomorrow, I will be nervous, my hands will shake, like I never before.
Tomorrow will be the announcement of my Final Professional Exam result. The exam that had put me into a lot of things. Depression, insomnia, disappointment, moments of giving up, caffeine intoxication.
I wonder, who works so hard like shit, other than the medical students, just to get the degree..
My room is nothing more than a Reban Ayam.
I slept with the books. My bed full with the notes. I've got no time to sweep the floor. Everything is just everywhere.
One point, I drank 4 cups of black arabia coffee from McD. And the next thing I get from it, was, my first ever gastric pain!
It was hell.
It was a continuum of learning process.
The pre-exam, during exam, and post- exam period. It sucks.
But this is what we call life, right?
Without all this, there is no chills in it.
I kinda like it, the moment of stress, how it feels, like a one-second next to dying. It gives me the thrill. And I am a person who loves thrill.
And tomorrow, will be the height of the greatest thrill that would happen to me, so far in my life.
The moment of true thrill.
Let me tell you how will they announce our result tomorrow.
They will call us one by one. Only those who passed. Those who missed, are those who failed, and need another 6 months to go through the same cycle of suffering again.
Those who will be called, will have a DR. pre-fix to their name. And they ll go up to the stage to get some letter or cert I don't know.
The problem is, my dad, Justin Anjim, named me Weizen. A name which always down down down the list. Can you imagine the stress that will on my shoulder tomorrow? Of course, mine wouldn't be as terrible as the one who has his name the last in the list!
Huhuhuhu...................
Will I pass? Will I carry the title Doctor tomorrow? Or will I have to wait for another 6 months here in Kuching, just to be reassessed?
I am in total numbness now. I don't feel the fear, the chills ( yet!).
I just hope everything will be fine. Graduate will all my friends. Leave no one behind..
Keeping my fingers crossed!!!
Saturday, April 23, 2011
cheappy bitchy
I just got myself 2bras. Kekeke.. ***Shut up!!!****
Wear and Tear. It is time to replace the old ones.
Should have bought it during sales.
Talking about bra, it reminds me of one girl.
This girl, I find her, sometimes so irritating, because she is, a copy cat. And she is so envious, she likes to compare what she has with others. Including breast size!
I didn't notice all this in the beginning.
There was one time when we need to order self-designed shirt, and we had to put our size on the order list. The thing was, they didn't give us sample, so I was scared that I might take the wrong size.
So we decided to measure ourselves. So when it came to the chest size, this girl measured hers first, then mine. And then, she suddenly shock and jumped out in joy.
She said, " oh so it seems that our size are the same!" (Smiling happily)
Then, Me and another friend looked at each other, why was she like that? Blurr.
Then only I found out that, she was happy, simply because her size was "comparable" to mine. (what the hell!)
Hello????
Girl, the relative appearance of breasts size is depend on what kind of bra you wear.
Some bra push the breast down, and makes it looks relatively small. While some girls with small breast ( like yours, sadly...) when wear a push-up bra obviously makes the breast fuller and bigger!
And apparently, at that time I was wearing my wrongly bought downsize one.
and this girl, was so happy just because our measurements read about the same number.
From the bottom of my heart, I have no intention or whatsoever to say I have a fantastic size. Cuz i just DON'T. But I am very thankful to have what I have.
I Just feel that, there is no need to compare, and then gave a evil smile and be happy just because you think yours are as the same size with someone else. ( apakah??)
Hello girl??? It is all because u are wearing a push-up one.
So obvious that all this while, she was comparing herself in many ways, with others.
Not only the brassier issue. Many other things, that from times to times, she seems to try to have what others have.
Come on girl, do not be a copy cat. Have your own style!
When I got myself a fringe, not long after that, she has it too.
Not long after I got my hair waves, I heard she said, " I've been longing for a curl hair.."
And the most sickening is, she loves to buy tops that have the similar design with others. I honestly am not boasting, but that's what I see.
I am not stylish myself, jauh panggang dari api. Seriously i am not. I do what I like, I wear what I love.
She would observe what others wear. ( Ya, and the next thing, she would find the similar design)
What the hell!
She used to wear just collar shirt or simple baby T.
One time, I told her that I like to wear those funky butt-long top. In fact, I always wear that kind, those with glimmers on it and she sees it. And the next thing I hear from her, " I like la long shirt". And of course, after that I see her wearing new long tops, with glimmer too..
What the hell!!
MM.. wordless...
Seriously, I don't care what you wear, what style U want to have. I humbly say, I have nothing, really, (not many knows the story of my life), for you to imitate. But it just makes me uncomfortable, and feel sick, you copy what others just do.
One or twice, it was coincidence. But many many many time, it is really, not a coincidence.
On top of that, she quite a bitchy type. She think she has many fans. and very proud to think, that she has rejected many guys.
Perlukah?
When U started to flirt the guy first, like timba mencari perigi, those are not fans ok. You are their fans.
Above all, that is cheap.
Cheap as in giving your number to a mere stranger met in pasar, flirt with someone who dials the wrong number and it turns that you are on the other end.
And the uttermost, cheap as in acting like you are someone's girlfriend, holding his hand, make some sickening pose, touch him, purposely show off your cleavage, when in fact you are not.
Sorry girl, it is nothing but CHEAP.
Please at least, have some standard.
Wear and Tear. It is time to replace the old ones.
Should have bought it during sales.
Talking about bra, it reminds me of one girl.
This girl, I find her, sometimes so irritating, because she is, a copy cat. And she is so envious, she likes to compare what she has with others. Including breast size!
I didn't notice all this in the beginning.
There was one time when we need to order self-designed shirt, and we had to put our size on the order list. The thing was, they didn't give us sample, so I was scared that I might take the wrong size.
So we decided to measure ourselves. So when it came to the chest size, this girl measured hers first, then mine. And then, she suddenly shock and jumped out in joy.
She said, " oh so it seems that our size are the same!" (Smiling happily)
Then, Me and another friend looked at each other, why was she like that? Blurr.
Then only I found out that, she was happy, simply because her size was "comparable" to mine. (what the hell!)
Hello????
Girl, the relative appearance of breasts size is depend on what kind of bra you wear.
Some bra push the breast down, and makes it looks relatively small. While some girls with small breast ( like yours, sadly...) when wear a push-up bra obviously makes the breast fuller and bigger!
And apparently, at that time I was wearing my wrongly bought downsize one.
and this girl, was so happy just because our measurements read about the same number.
From the bottom of my heart, I have no intention or whatsoever to say I have a fantastic size. Cuz i just DON'T. But I am very thankful to have what I have.
I Just feel that, there is no need to compare, and then gave a evil smile and be happy just because you think yours are as the same size with someone else. ( apakah??)
Hello girl??? It is all because u are wearing a push-up one.
So obvious that all this while, she was comparing herself in many ways, with others.
Not only the brassier issue. Many other things, that from times to times, she seems to try to have what others have.
Come on girl, do not be a copy cat. Have your own style!
When I got myself a fringe, not long after that, she has it too.
Not long after I got my hair waves, I heard she said, " I've been longing for a curl hair.."
And the most sickening is, she loves to buy tops that have the similar design with others. I honestly am not boasting, but that's what I see.
I am not stylish myself, jauh panggang dari api. Seriously i am not. I do what I like, I wear what I love.
She would observe what others wear. ( Ya, and the next thing, she would find the similar design)
What the hell!
She used to wear just collar shirt or simple baby T.
One time, I told her that I like to wear those funky butt-long top. In fact, I always wear that kind, those with glimmers on it and she sees it. And the next thing I hear from her, " I like la long shirt". And of course, after that I see her wearing new long tops, with glimmer too..
What the hell!!
MM.. wordless...
Seriously, I don't care what you wear, what style U want to have. I humbly say, I have nothing, really, (not many knows the story of my life), for you to imitate. But it just makes me uncomfortable, and feel sick, you copy what others just do.
One or twice, it was coincidence. But many many many time, it is really, not a coincidence.
On top of that, she quite a bitchy type. She think she has many fans. and very proud to think, that she has rejected many guys.
Perlukah?
When U started to flirt the guy first, like timba mencari perigi, those are not fans ok. You are their fans.
Above all, that is cheap.
Cheap as in giving your number to a mere stranger met in pasar, flirt with someone who dials the wrong number and it turns that you are on the other end.
And the uttermost, cheap as in acting like you are someone's girlfriend, holding his hand, make some sickening pose, touch him, purposely show off your cleavage, when in fact you are not.
Sorry girl, it is nothing but CHEAP.
Please at least, have some standard.
Were You There When They Crucified My Lord?
For the first time, I heard this song sang in church last night, Good Friday Mass.
And that very first time I hear it, I fall in love with it.
I love the lyrics. The words really touch me...
Indeed, the readings for the past week did.
It touches me when a sinless man, the Son of God, die for us while we are sinners. How great the Lord is!
My heart moves when the Lamb of God, who knows that he will be crucified, His heart was troubled, and so He cried out loud to His Father in Heaven "Eli, Eli, Lama Sabachthani?" ( My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?)
I couldn't imagine how heavy was the Cross Jesus carry, that He, the very Son of God, a King himself, made slave by the sinners, made powerless, that he had to ask His Father why He abandoned him.
Yet, in such agony, he humbled himself, and take the cup for the sake of mankind.
"If tis cup can't pass by without my drinking it, let your will be done"
It touches me because I have gone through similar situation. Many a times, I do ask God, why He has forsaken me, in time when I need Him the most?
Why he has to take away my loved ones, when I still need them....
Isn't the same what Jesus asked 2000 years ago? But the cup, he Had to drink it, to fulfill the scripture. So, I take it as such too. Some suffering in life, God allows to happen to us, because He knows what is the best for us, He knows that we can carry the cross, He will never give us a cross that is beyond our strength.
"Lord, I may not know what is your will, but if it is too be done, walk with me Jesus..."
This is the lyrics.
And that very first time I hear it, I fall in love with it.
I love the lyrics. The words really touch me...
Indeed, the readings for the past week did.
It touches me when a sinless man, the Son of God, die for us while we are sinners. How great the Lord is!
My heart moves when the Lamb of God, who knows that he will be crucified, His heart was troubled, and so He cried out loud to His Father in Heaven "Eli, Eli, Lama Sabachthani?" ( My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?)
I couldn't imagine how heavy was the Cross Jesus carry, that He, the very Son of God, a King himself, made slave by the sinners, made powerless, that he had to ask His Father why He abandoned him.
Yet, in such agony, he humbled himself, and take the cup for the sake of mankind.
"If tis cup can't pass by without my drinking it, let your will be done"
It touches me because I have gone through similar situation. Many a times, I do ask God, why He has forsaken me, in time when I need Him the most?
Why he has to take away my loved ones, when I still need them....
Isn't the same what Jesus asked 2000 years ago? But the cup, he Had to drink it, to fulfill the scripture. So, I take it as such too. Some suffering in life, God allows to happen to us, because He knows what is the best for us, He knows that we can carry the cross, He will never give us a cross that is beyond our strength.
"Lord, I may not know what is your will, but if it is too be done, walk with me Jesus..."
This is the lyrics.
Were you there when they crucified my Lord?
Were you there when they crucified my Lord?
Oh, sometimes it causes me to tremble, tremble, tremble.
Were you there when they crucified my Lord?
Were you there when they nailed him to the tree?
Were you there when they nailed him to the tree?
Oh, sometimes it causes me to tremble, tremble, tremble.
Were you there when they nailed him to the tree?
Were you there when they laid him in the tomb?
Were you there when they laid him in the tomb?
Oh, sometimes it causes me to tremble, tremble, tremble.
Were you there when they laid him in the tomb?
Were you there when God raised him from the tomb?
Were you there when God raised him from the tomb?
Oh, sometimes it causes me to tremble, tremble, tremble.
Were you there when God raised him from the tomb?
Friday, April 22, 2011
treasure
Why do some people cakap tidak sama bikin punya?
I get disappointed with these kind of people. At one time, he gives you hope, the next you know is, it is nothing but false hope, empty.
Am I too judgmental?
I have no idea.. But I know, I am a person who is very sensitive to these behaviors. Very low threshold. I can easily pick up.
Just by seeing a person's gesture, how a person talks, his actions, I roughly can tell what kind of person he is.
Really, I have sharp eyes.
When I see a person, I see his inner side. I am very, very, very, sensitive, particularly to dishonesty, talking big, money-minded, jealousy- kind of person.
I can tell, who among these, can be my company when I am in trouble, and who are not.
That's why I guess i don't really have many friends that I can call my best buddies.
And that is the very reason why I could never find a guy, I want. :(
Guys can be very sweet-talking. Encounter too many of them. They call you sweetie, dear, darling..
But they are not, at all, persistent.
They are seasonal.
They come when they like, especially when their eyes are stimulated.
These guys are very easy to be fooled.
Just wear some short skirts, sleeveless top that reveals your cleavage, they will surely fall in love with you. And there they are, start calling you dear, sweetie......
That is why, I hate guys who judge girls by the outer appearance.
Any girl can turn into a beauty queen by just some touch-ups.
But which girl, among these, that has the quality?
Guys just don't care, they are the vision-people.
They get high, stimulated with what they see..
Hey boy....
If only you see farther,
deep inside this beating heart,
you would find a treasure,
more beautiful than what you see I look like,
that lasts you the rest of your life.
Guess your eyes aren't sharp as mine.
I get disappointed with these kind of people. At one time, he gives you hope, the next you know is, it is nothing but false hope, empty.
Am I too judgmental?
I have no idea.. But I know, I am a person who is very sensitive to these behaviors. Very low threshold. I can easily pick up.
Just by seeing a person's gesture, how a person talks, his actions, I roughly can tell what kind of person he is.
Really, I have sharp eyes.
When I see a person, I see his inner side. I am very, very, very, sensitive, particularly to dishonesty, talking big, money-minded, jealousy- kind of person.
I can tell, who among these, can be my company when I am in trouble, and who are not.
That's why I guess i don't really have many friends that I can call my best buddies.
And that is the very reason why I could never find a guy, I want. :(
Guys can be very sweet-talking. Encounter too many of them. They call you sweetie, dear, darling..
But they are not, at all, persistent.
They are seasonal.
They come when they like, especially when their eyes are stimulated.
These guys are very easy to be fooled.
Just wear some short skirts, sleeveless top that reveals your cleavage, they will surely fall in love with you. And there they are, start calling you dear, sweetie......
That is why, I hate guys who judge girls by the outer appearance.
Any girl can turn into a beauty queen by just some touch-ups.
But which girl, among these, that has the quality?
Guys just don't care, they are the vision-people.
They get high, stimulated with what they see..
Hey boy....
If only you see farther,
deep inside this beating heart,
you would find a treasure,
more beautiful than what you see I look like,
that lasts you the rest of your life.
Guess your eyes aren't sharp as mine.
Good Friday
So Today is Good Friday.
I missed Holy Thursday Mass last night, due to transportation prob.
Well, that's what happen when you don't have a car. :(
A church member, who always be my good shepherd, picking me and sending me back from church.
She was busy with some Spiritual Triduum thingy that she had to stay back late til 12 am, and I can't afford to go back that late. And so, I didnt go.
As for Good Friday Mass, still waiting for her reply.
Hope I could go.
Love going to church, and sing for Him.
6787, too. :)
Went to hospital in the morning, to practise PE. Today is the last day we are allowed to go to ward. Huhu..
Few more days to my last day of exam, the biggest, toughest one. 4days more.
And I just finished reading HPT CPG, only!!!
That's what happen if people like me left along in the room, unsupervised.
The radios is on, while watching Korean Series, at the same time reading the CPG!
Multitasking ya Monica? ( yes, Weizen.. :P)
When nice song is on the air, I'll jump put of my chair and my body will start move with the music. Hehe.. Only God knows what the hell I am doing in the room (seriously!!! I am too embarassed to tell it here..)
By the way, some friends in FB speak up their unsatisfactory about some lecturer giving answers during our theory paper exam.
Seems that they feel unfair for Lec to give answer to only those who raised up theirs hands and asked. Instead, Lec should be fair and give the answer to everybody.
So the prob that I can see here is, Siapa dapat dia gembira, Siapa tidak dapat dia sakit hati.
Well, I have different view here. I don't think we should get upset, cause the lec are trying their best ( which is so obvious) to help us. See, Prof KT even encouraged us to ask, and trying to tell us, if we ask, they might give us clue. (of cuz not all the lec).
I believe, if they could, they would, really, to help each of us by giving the answer. But how could they? while there was one external evaluator keeping her eyes on us. And so, the best they can do is, to help us so-called "secretely".
And of course, they can't afford to tell every student the answer by going to one table and the next, isn't it? And that would be unnecessary, cuz some students might know the answer and do not need their help. So again, the best they can do was, by helping those students who asked.
And many were angry because there was one lec that said those who didn't asked are bodoh sombong. I felt upset too, how on earth did we know that he expected us to ask. And it was not that we didn't want to ask, but we did not know what to ask! Not that we didnt understand the question, but we simpy, didnt know the answer, and we want the answer! But how can we ask the answer...
"Prof, sorry Prof, can you just give me the answer already! cuz i am so damn that i don't know the answer?" like that? heheh...
But then, since he said that, I took the advantage of "asking" for the next paper. At least they can give me clue for some question, it was more than enough.
And so, my conclusion is, instead of getting angry of lecture giving answer, at this time, we should grab the oppurtunity ( which was obviously, purposely, given to us) by asking! Wasn't it what they asked us, at the first place?
The Moral of the story is, bagi susah, tak bagi pun susah. Lu pikir la sendiri ( Nabil)
I missed Holy Thursday Mass last night, due to transportation prob.
Well, that's what happen when you don't have a car. :(
A church member, who always be my good shepherd, picking me and sending me back from church.
She was busy with some Spiritual Triduum thingy that she had to stay back late til 12 am, and I can't afford to go back that late. And so, I didnt go.
As for Good Friday Mass, still waiting for her reply.
Hope I could go.
Love going to church, and sing for Him.
6787, too. :)
Went to hospital in the morning, to practise PE. Today is the last day we are allowed to go to ward. Huhu..
Few more days to my last day of exam, the biggest, toughest one. 4days more.
And I just finished reading HPT CPG, only!!!
That's what happen if people like me left along in the room, unsupervised.
The radios is on, while watching Korean Series, at the same time reading the CPG!
Multitasking ya Monica? ( yes, Weizen.. :P)
When nice song is on the air, I'll jump put of my chair and my body will start move with the music. Hehe.. Only God knows what the hell I am doing in the room (seriously!!! I am too embarassed to tell it here..)
By the way, some friends in FB speak up their unsatisfactory about some lecturer giving answers during our theory paper exam.
Seems that they feel unfair for Lec to give answer to only those who raised up theirs hands and asked. Instead, Lec should be fair and give the answer to everybody.
So the prob that I can see here is, Siapa dapat dia gembira, Siapa tidak dapat dia sakit hati.
Well, I have different view here. I don't think we should get upset, cause the lec are trying their best ( which is so obvious) to help us. See, Prof KT even encouraged us to ask, and trying to tell us, if we ask, they might give us clue. (of cuz not all the lec).
I believe, if they could, they would, really, to help each of us by giving the answer. But how could they? while there was one external evaluator keeping her eyes on us. And so, the best they can do is, to help us so-called "secretely".
And of course, they can't afford to tell every student the answer by going to one table and the next, isn't it? And that would be unnecessary, cuz some students might know the answer and do not need their help. So again, the best they can do was, by helping those students who asked.
And many were angry because there was one lec that said those who didn't asked are bodoh sombong. I felt upset too, how on earth did we know that he expected us to ask. And it was not that we didn't want to ask, but we did not know what to ask! Not that we didnt understand the question, but we simpy, didnt know the answer, and we want the answer! But how can we ask the answer...
"Prof, sorry Prof, can you just give me the answer already! cuz i am so damn that i don't know the answer?" like that? heheh...
But then, since he said that, I took the advantage of "asking" for the next paper. At least they can give me clue for some question, it was more than enough.
And so, my conclusion is, instead of getting angry of lecture giving answer, at this time, we should grab the oppurtunity ( which was obviously, purposely, given to us) by asking! Wasn't it what they asked us, at the first place?
The Moral of the story is, bagi susah, tak bagi pun susah. Lu pikir la sendiri ( Nabil)
An Imagination
All of sudden, I feel like wearing a beach dress, a long one, with tube top...
Dancing at the beach, under the starry sky, and the full bright moon...
Dance, dance, and dance.....
I imagine I inhale the air, slowly and deeply..
While the wind, softly kiss my cheek...
and blow my dress..
I can feel the delicate dress being blown against my body...
How nice...
Nicer, if loved one hug me from the back...
:P
Dancing at the beach, under the starry sky, and the full bright moon...
Dance, dance, and dance.....
I imagine I inhale the air, slowly and deeply..
While the wind, softly kiss my cheek...
and blow my dress..
I can feel the delicate dress being blown against my body...
How nice...
Nicer, if loved one hug me from the back...
:P
Thursday, April 21, 2011
day after the exam
Tried log in many times, but failed.
At last, here I am in my blog.
Have been laid back the whole day, after the exhausting exam.
Seriously, exam is not just tiring, but exhausting.
It drained out all of my energy, inside and out.
What more with this very important exam, Final Exam that will decide whether or not, I will be a doctor.
Next week, just another 7days, at this time, I should have already knew my result.
And I hope, it will be a good news.
Either way, my tears will surely drop.
I hope, really hope with all my heart, it will be a tear of Joy.
Please Lord Jesus.. Help me pass..
These few days, indeed few months, I have been thinking.
Thinking about 6787.
It seems that, til this moment, at least 2 weeks before I leave Kuching.
God still refuse to answer my prayer.
He only give me 6787.
Every week I come back, disappointed.
It happened for few months.
I put so much hope. Cuz I really want to know 6787.
I think I am gonna leave Kuching without getting to know 6787.
Or may be I will never meet 6787 anymore after this.
Feel sad...
Or may be I should stay?
Oh my...
How can I stay, putting myself into so much risk for a stranger?
What will i get after that?
Oh.. I am really sad now.
My intention is pure, nothing more than to turn a stranger into a friend.
Yet, noone knows about this.
It is even more saddening when U sad, U cant tell other people about it.
I just cant seem to find a very good friend around me, here, just to share my feelings.
That is why, I feel so suffocated here.
The only one I can turn to is, Jesus.
He knows everything, even before I tell him.
Oh Lord, how great temptation you are putting me in.
Though I know, there's nothing beyond your control.
You know my limit, that is why you let all these things happen.
Mummy, loved one...
The problem being alone when these things crossed my mind is, I cant control my tear...
Lord, please send someone for me..
Cuz i think I have been independent for too long..
It is time Lord, for me to share everything, EVERYTHING, with someone I can count on, for the rest of my life...
It is not that there is none, there is.
But I just cant find the chemical in between.
Physical is not my priority.
The inside, is what I am looking for..
Some, judge me from my appearance. But how can U trust them then? What'll happen if someday, Lord decide to put scar on my face? or when wrinkles overtaking the youth?
Some, too much of sweet words.. How can I trust these too? How can I tell whether they tell the truth or they just pulling my leg?
One, is very nice, perfect. No one ever loved me as he had. Never, I swear. No one, has ever loved me more than himself. No one can beat him. But seems that he is just one of the temptation God sent... To test me, whether I choose him or Him...
My tears is dropping...
At last, here I am in my blog.
Have been laid back the whole day, after the exhausting exam.
Seriously, exam is not just tiring, but exhausting.
It drained out all of my energy, inside and out.
What more with this very important exam, Final Exam that will decide whether or not, I will be a doctor.
Next week, just another 7days, at this time, I should have already knew my result.
And I hope, it will be a good news.
Either way, my tears will surely drop.
I hope, really hope with all my heart, it will be a tear of Joy.
Please Lord Jesus.. Help me pass..
These few days, indeed few months, I have been thinking.
Thinking about 6787.
It seems that, til this moment, at least 2 weeks before I leave Kuching.
God still refuse to answer my prayer.
He only give me 6787.
Every week I come back, disappointed.
It happened for few months.
I put so much hope. Cuz I really want to know 6787.
I think I am gonna leave Kuching without getting to know 6787.
Or may be I will never meet 6787 anymore after this.
Feel sad...
Or may be I should stay?
Oh my...
How can I stay, putting myself into so much risk for a stranger?
What will i get after that?
Oh.. I am really sad now.
My intention is pure, nothing more than to turn a stranger into a friend.
Yet, noone knows about this.
It is even more saddening when U sad, U cant tell other people about it.
I just cant seem to find a very good friend around me, here, just to share my feelings.
That is why, I feel so suffocated here.
The only one I can turn to is, Jesus.
He knows everything, even before I tell him.
Oh Lord, how great temptation you are putting me in.
Though I know, there's nothing beyond your control.
You know my limit, that is why you let all these things happen.
Mummy, loved one...
The problem being alone when these things crossed my mind is, I cant control my tear...
Lord, please send someone for me..
Cuz i think I have been independent for too long..
It is time Lord, for me to share everything, EVERYTHING, with someone I can count on, for the rest of my life...
It is not that there is none, there is.
But I just cant find the chemical in between.
Physical is not my priority.
The inside, is what I am looking for..
Some, judge me from my appearance. But how can U trust them then? What'll happen if someday, Lord decide to put scar on my face? or when wrinkles overtaking the youth?
Some, too much of sweet words.. How can I trust these too? How can I tell whether they tell the truth or they just pulling my leg?
One, is very nice, perfect. No one ever loved me as he had. Never, I swear. No one, has ever loved me more than himself. No one can beat him. But seems that he is just one of the temptation God sent... To test me, whether I choose him or Him...
My tears is dropping...
Friday, April 15, 2011
Hey you boy
Boy, You don't deserve me.
I could barely hang on.
You are very selfish. very.
With or without you, it is just the same.
You missed so much of my life.
You don't deserve me.
Really, You just don't..
I could barely hang on.
You are very selfish. very.
With or without you, it is just the same.
You missed so much of my life.
You don't deserve me.
Really, You just don't..
This very battle
In this very battle, here I am, left alone, expected to go through all this pain, independently.
They, only wait at the end of the line. Expecting me to arrive and win the game.
I feel so alone. I miss my mom. Very.
At this time, how i wish she is here with me.
This is the question, that no one can answer.
I wonder, how would it feels like, to have a loving mother stand by your side when you are in a state loneliness, helplessness.
I am so envy, so jealous. I want that too. I want, like my friends, to give a call to their mom, and talk to them, tell them everything when they are in great tension.
But I, cant. I cant...
Here I am, broken, and crying.
I feel so weak. And yet, I have to finish this.
This is very heavy.
I just wish just, wish, that there is someone here, at this very time, to give me a hug.
Just a hug, i dun need other things, just a hug.
Cuz i am very lonely very lonely.
Oh Lord, how much more should I bear. I really wish that you ll send someone who truly cares for me.
Cuz i am tired lord, really. To have gone all this way along, just by myself.
I am tired..
They, only wait at the end of the line. Expecting me to arrive and win the game.
I feel so alone. I miss my mom. Very.
At this time, how i wish she is here with me.
This is the question, that no one can answer.
I wonder, how would it feels like, to have a loving mother stand by your side when you are in a state loneliness, helplessness.
I am so envy, so jealous. I want that too. I want, like my friends, to give a call to their mom, and talk to them, tell them everything when they are in great tension.
But I, cant. I cant...
Here I am, broken, and crying.
I feel so weak. And yet, I have to finish this.
This is very heavy.
I just wish just, wish, that there is someone here, at this very time, to give me a hug.
Just a hug, i dun need other things, just a hug.
Cuz i am very lonely very lonely.
Oh Lord, how much more should I bear. I really wish that you ll send someone who truly cares for me.
Cuz i am tired lord, really. To have gone all this way along, just by myself.
I am tired..
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