唯 一

我的天空多么的清新

透明的承诺是过去的空气

牵着我的手是你

但你的笑容却看不

是否一颗星星变了心

从前的愿望

也全都被抛弃

最近我无法呼吸

连自己的影子

都想逃避(逃避)

BABY你就是我的唯一

两个世界都变形

回去谈何容易

确定你就是我的唯一

独自对着电话说我爱你

我真的爱你

BABY我已不能多爱你一些

是否一颗星星变了心

从前的愿望

也全都被抛弃

最近我无法呼吸

连自己的影子

都想逃避(逃避)

BABY你就是我的唯一

两个世界都变形

回去谈何容易

确定你就是我的唯一

独自对着电话说我爱你

我真的爱你

BABY我已不能多爱你一些

其实早已超过了爱的极限

BABY你就是我的唯一

两个世界都变形

回去谈何容易

确定你就是我的唯一

独自对着电话说我爱你

我真的爱你

BABY我已不能多爱你一些

sing for me..

I wish now, there is a guy standing in front of me, singing a slow soft, soothing song for me.. there is no way that im not gonna fall for him..

Lacking of love

I am extremly exausted.


I need energy, give me some.


I need to be pampered, physically. I want a hug.... I want someone to fondle me now...


I am lacking of love....


Where are you my love... why do need so much time to reach me. I am here dying waiting...


Arghhh... How could i live this week? there are so many chores that i wouldn't want to face...


Desperately need love now.....

i have seminar presentations to prepare!!! Arghh... then tomorrow have to clerk patient and prepare another case presentation for Wednesday....
what a busy day!!!

Planned plan

it is 4.05pm.

I just come back from hospital with a group of friends. We are supposed to clerk ENT patient before they undergo surgery tomorrow. As our fierce Dr. Tang will pick one of us randomly to present the case on Tuesday.

Well, it turns out that there are only 3 patient admitted, which all of them have been clerked by other friends. We don't want to irritate the patient by clerkng and asking them the same questions again and again.

It is just an excuse.

The truth is we are LAZY to clerk the patient. Don't even bother to look through the case note! Hey i did, they didnt.. hehe... But the doctor in charge took it while i was reading the case note.. :)

Another one hour to attend church.

Thought i am not going to make it because of patient-clerking job.

I am thankful that i know Belinda. She is a devoted Christian, at least much more than i am. If it is not for her, i dont think that i will attend church REGULARY every weekend. And i don't think that i will have transport to go to church, the most i could do is to walk to the nearest Catholic Chapel, which takes about 20min. I used to do that every Sunday morning during year 1.

I still remember her approaching me first. She was the new student back then, from some sesat Marine faculty in Kota Samarahan changed to Medical faculty. :)

Well, i think it is God's plan that she changed her course, so that i can get to know her, and so tat she can help me in growing my faith.

I am not a type of person who approach people first in making friends, except if i am in a very good mood. One day, she told me, " i don't know that you are a catholic too". I think it is part of God's plan that me and Belinda come to know to each other. Because God knows that i am his weak and fragile servant that needs much guidance from someone like Belinda.

There are not many Catholics in my batch, only 3 of us.

Because of her, i don't need to walk anymore, as she always will arrange the transport with some catholic seniors who also attending church.
And i attend church more regularly now, as i have accompany.
She also the one who drags me to the Youth Meeting every Friday and get to know some of the church members. Though actually i am sometimes lazy to go.

And if it is not for her, i may not be able to attend church every week in SIbu during year 3. She was the one who always asked our friend Wah Kin if we could borrow his car to church. Thanx to Wah Kin too..

I also learn much from her about the catholic faith. There are always questions about the christian faith especially the Catholics, she can always give answers that i never thought of before.

And now she is my roommate.

I really believe this is God's plan for me.

Hectic

My heart and my mind are not in a peaceful state. I cant concentrate in my study. Too many things rush into my mind, like winds from every corner of the earth blow violently and turn into a wild hurricane.

These are the list of things that attack my mind, in the order of intensity:

1. Shegay

It is him again.
He has exceeded my threshold of patience and kindness. I just could not stand to see his face, hear his voice, or smell his stinking body odor. I am so sensitized to his presence. My IgE-coated mast cell will anytime release infinite amount histamine whenever he is within a near distance, with subsequent burst of systemic inflammation.
Even a little signs of his presence remind me of what he did to me in facebook, and thousand of other things that he did that evoke my anger and irritability.

I just dunno how much more to describe this person. Have you ever experienced a kind of hatred that has reached its uppermost limit that words just couldn't describe it? That is what exactly i am experiencing now.

How i wish that i could spit to his face and curse him back as how he did to me in facebook. He just made a mistake, because he definitely has no idea whom is he dealing with. He has no idea how much damage i can cause him, how deep i can pierce through him, just, just by my words.

Do not try me, Shegay.... if you are not ready to bear the consequences.

I am so upset that my life at this moment and time are ruined by this idiot monster. But i just couldnt help it. I am so disgust by his behavior. I am so disturbed when i think back what he did to me couple weeks ago. I just couldnt forgive this monster.

Arghh!!! Such a pain in the ass to be in the same group with the monster, that i have to bear to see him almost everyday. Imagine seeing someone who cursed u and stabbed u at the back for everyday! and in front of you he can still smiles and acts like nothing has happened.
Hello, Shegay! I am not as stupid and retarded you!

Oh God, please teach me patience. Help me to forgive him as how you have forgiven me.
Open my heart and grant me the wisdom to look to the bright side of it. I just could not bear this pain, just because a monster in my life in which you prepare for me to test me. Help me, Jesus.

Ok, enough about this monster.

2. Forensic report

Arghh, the dateline is just another 3days. I just couldnt do anything with this bizarre and hectic state of mind.

3. ENT Seminar Presentation

The day after tomorrow. Arghh, imagine, each of us have to present 2-3 times of seminar! As if we know what we are presenting. The best analogue for this kind of situation is the blind leading the blind. How can we present something that we ourselves aren't sure of? The Head is such a congested area, with its own anatomy, physiology, pathology and bla bla bla.. And within 3 weeks of hardly any adequate knowledge of clinical experience, how can we present it to our friends whom knowledge level is just the same as ours?
What a system!

3. Case presentation, Case write Up

These are again items that give me a terrible headache!

4. New roomate

She takes things for granted. How i wish everyone to be considerate to others.

These are a list full of just complaints. I wish i can stop complaining!!!

Missing Home

I wanna go back home. Miss my cute lil bro and sis. I want to go back kpg to n meet my cousinssss.. UUUhhh..

Morning Neslo..

I am enjoying my Neslo. It is 10.44am. I woke up around 9.30. There are so may housechores waiting for me.

I just finished one, hanging my clothes to dry.

Now, a bunch of newly washed clothes. My job is to iron them and hang them nicely into my closet.

I have not taken my bath yet. Feel very lazy. That is why i need this Neslo to boost my energy and my spirit up!!! It works..

The problem with having high spirit and energy is that i tend to deviate from the things i should have doing, just like now. Im blogging pula..

SIgh..

Christmas Shopping In Moderate

i went shopping with my friends today, in The Spring. Thanx to my friends... MMuahhh..

Today i spent about RM130 for 3 tops(only!!!)...

I kinda regret to buy the black top cuz it costs me RM60, just for that one piece. I like it because it fits my body weell, and it is very comfortable.. But RM60??? mm.. now i feel so sad... Why did i spend RM60 recklessly, just for one pice of ELLE top, in which i may get 2 pieces of clothes for rm60...

Well, what done is done.. i'm gonna really jaga this baju..

New enemy list.

I hate Shegay. Such a gay, such a bitch, and whatever dirty words u want to describe this person. I just couldn't care less.

sleepy..

i aM sleepy but have to keep awake to study.. Today is the last day for Psy exam. I am so lazy to read the whole thing for just 5 questions OSCE!!! Y cant they make more questions. My life depends on just the 5 questions, if OSCE fails, everything fails. So not very fair....

Not a man lover

I hate guys, especially rich guys.

Lonely night

Tonight is so lonely, just like any other nights. I got a sms from Belinda who is instead of 217B-bound studying Psychiatry, now in Singapore attending her family gathering for Family Book Lauching. Gosh! There is such a thing of launching a Family Book! Must be a big and merry family gathering.
She purposely sent the msg while i was studying to distract my attention. I know her! She said that Singapore now is so in a christmas atmosphere, like a little New York..
Mm.. i can imagine a huge Christmas Tree in an open air, decorated with bright beautiful color of lights, different sizes of christmas presents under the Christmas tree, and of course with the Christmas Song!! Nice..
I never really been in a Real Christmas Atmosphere. Christmas day is just an ordinary day to me. May be if i am in the European country, i can really feel it. Wish i can go there, or at least travel to overseas.
Now my life is so limited, restricted by resources constraint.
But it is ok, now i am like a small little bird, learning and saving my energy to fly. When i am fit enough, i will soar like an eagle, floating and flying on the unlimited sky. I am waiting for that day...
No, i should not be distracted by Belinda's sms. I know God is sending her to tempt me into fun and forget about Psychiatry. haha...
Belinda, i wont get tempted by u. Enjoy la u. Next few days, sure i will hear complaint from somebody saying not enough time to study... :P haha..

Kanyang..

I am so full. I had sayur kangkung with belacan & sardin for my lunch. All of which was home cooked. I cooked it. :)
I found that enjoying something only after u have suffered like hell in gaining it, is a very meaningful moment. Let me give u an example:
My class started from 8am-11am. My stomach started shouting in the middle of the class. I was so hungry. I didn't eat anything except for crackers with tea i had for breakfast. After class, i could have just bought food from the cafe. But i controlled myself. Tahan.. kejap lagi sampai hostel masak nasi ok sayang weizen?.. haha.. that is how i usually persuade myself.. Actually it was not very difficult to prepare the lunch as i just need to warm the dishes together with the rice i cooked. Wait for "tak" sound from the rice cooker, and then there it is, ready to be served!!
Haha.. well, this is a lame example.. ok la, another example ok..
My lappy was always running out of space. It was full with all kinds of files and folders, like medical notes, pictures, and the most space-occupying song folders. I was so upset that i had to keep on trying to find files that were not important, deleted them so i could save some space for the in-coming new files. It was so tiring. and the most frustrating was that, i had to be very super selective in saving files. I could only afford to save the important notes. I had to let go all the movies and series that i had long wanted to watch like House, Gray's Anotomy, Prison Break. I had been wanting an external hardisc for the past 2 years. But i couldn't afford it, it was so expensive. Even if i have extra money, there will always been other priorities to spend on. The desire to have an external hardisc was just buried like that. sad..
Finally this year 2009, i got my practical allowance, and this time i determined to get myself one external hardisc. And yeah, i got it! I surveyed the whole computer shops in Saberkas to get the cheapest price for the best brand i could afford. Finally i got Transcend at the price of RM300 in one of the shop, the cheapest for the same kind. Yes!!! That was how hard i get myself an external hardisc! I had to resist the temptation, bear with the only "delete and save" way to space some space, and forget bout buying an external hardisc for a while. And i bought it with my own money. How I sayang my external hardisc... hehe.. Ooops, i forgot to buy a cover for it! Soon, soon,.. hehe..
Actually this is also a lame example, i have many more experience in my life in which i have to struggle so much to get what i long for in my life. I never regret it, indeed i enjoy it. Not many people are destined to suffer like me. I give all the glory and honour to the Almighty One. Thank you Lord!

Silent phone

My handphone is becoming no longer a basic necessity for me nowadays. It is always been calm, silent and boring. I could ignore my handphone for 3days, and found no sms or missed called at all.
It is pathetic..
The only regular phone calls and sms i got are from tata young. Tata young is always be with me no matter what. That is why i care for Tata young so much.
Seems like no one bother about me anymore. Sad..
Well, i try to manipulate the situation to a better one. I can either think about the bad or the good out of it.
The good thing about having a silent phone is that i can save more on credits.I can reload RM10 and lasts for weeks.
what else? mm.. I could ignore my handphone for days without missing any important calls or sms. Means that i can go out with bare hands. Just money and keys inside my pocket. Easy life right?
Well, i may be lying to myself to make myself feel better. But that is all i could do.
My principal is : "It is better to view things in a positive way rather than to keep sulking about it."
We might not get the things that we want, but we can always make the best out of the things that we have. That is all about living our life to the fullest.

amazing race finished!!

yeay, end of the case write up season for psychiatry posting!!! Now, i can concentrate on my revision (konon la tu weizen..)!!!

Amazing Case Write Up Race

yeay, I have only the discussion part left to finish!!! Psychiatry, damn u! wait until next week, then i can close u as another chapter in my life. See la, if i have the time, may be i will review u. But, i just think that the chances are so little, cuz u r so boring!!!

disappointed

I am so not in a good mood today. Many things disturb me emotionally.
I am very disappointed with myself. Why couldn't i say NO, just NO when i should have said it? Why do i think so much for others when they never even bother to care what i feel... I am so sad. Partly because of people around me, and partly because of myself.
May be i am too much in holding onto my principle " Let us serve, not to be served".
I just feel that i serve inappropriately, not-supposedly, too much.
As the consequences, i am the one who finally suffer. These are the examples
~~ unexpected expensive dinner~~
I try my best to stick onto my budget. I try not to eat out very frequently and instead just cook myself. But somehow, some plan come out of nowhere, without a proper discussion, with no expectation of the price that it will cost. I dun like to be involved in a plan in which i never asked to discuss about. I just hope that people will consider more about others. Please do something that everyone agrees with. Some are just not as lucky as you are. Just because of your action, other suffers.
~~unexpected pay for helping people~~
I helped to copy books and take orders. I had to pay for the extra when the other didnt even bother to say sorry or pay for it. I was trying to help others, but finally i suffered. It was like, ain't it better if i didn't initiate the help at the first place?
~~ extra shares for a gift~~
We were sharing a gift. All were agreed to share. Indeed that person voluntarily to join. I paid first. But at last, i had to pay for 2 person shares including mine. Because the one who volunteer didn't bother to ask about it.
~~and many many more~~
Like they borrowed money from me. But never bother to remember that they actually owe someone money and eventually they just forgot about it.
I dun give a damn about the amount of money. But is not it our responsibility to pay back for what we have borrowed? Sometimes we take it for granted, thinking that "mm.. it is just of little money, she won't mind about it"
or
"i'll just pay at other time la, she is not in need of money also.."
Yes, this is the thoughts that come from those who never suffered financially.
I have experienced it. To me, every cents count. May be RM 1 is nothing to you, you can lose it and said it is just RM 1 after all.. But not for me.
I depend 90% on my Petronas scholarship, which is JUST enough for me to survive. I don't ask money from my dad as u all do. I only ask him if i am extremely desperate.
I am not born with silver spoon.
I experienced having just RM50 for like 2 weeks. And i value every cents i have during the financial constraint. I strictly stick to my budget in which i didnt eat out, i just cooked. And i survived!
But there are people out there who are spoon-fed since they were born, never know how it feels to have no money. They have a lot of money, but when it comes to pay the debt, they can simply forget about it, without knowing that if they pay, the person need not to tie their belt tightly on the waist.
I really wish that people would become more and more considering about others.
Even in trivial matters. It is the little thing that you do, counts. This has been my principle all this while.

unexpected dinner

I just came back from a dinner in Mango tree which was held to celebrate Wama's birthday belated-ly. :)
It was Atkin's & Keri's idea. Nice place, and nice price too. :)
But i enjoyed it. We surprised her with a half kg cake, which actually she saw it earlier on and suspected something wasn't right. These two guys are very poor in acting. They ruined the surprise! How couldn't Wama suspect anything when one said to another "jom p tandas" when they wanted to pass the cake to the waitress to bring in after we finish dining. Ah? a guy asking another guy to accompany him to go to washroom??? Mm.. they certainly need more skills..
It is a nice place for couples. The atmosphere feels romantic, with nice lit candle on the table. But such place only worth going once in a blue moon, going with special ones, or celebrating special days. Cant afford to go too often, reserves it for special occasions.
Talking about birthday celebration, i like to celebrate people birthday, i like to make them happy on their best day. But i dun really like to celebrate mine. I dun like to be the center of attention, where everyone wishing me Happy Birthday, try to make me happy. I t is not like i don't appreciate when people celebrating my birthday,i do, just that i don't like to be focused on.
An exception is my love. I would be happy to do anything with him. Everything. I don't mind if the whole wide world forgets my birthday, but i would be sad if my love forgets. So far, i don't really have that special celebration with special one. May be someday..

would it be a mistake after all?

yes, weizen!! It is a mistake!!! Why should u bother when the other doesn't? The pain u caused me more the pain that i have caused u. Well, i give myself a time. When the time cant wait, u will diminish forever.
when i am desperate, i become determined. I believe i am strong, strong enough to destroy u. U never know me, that is why u act in such a way. When u know me better, u will regret. U dunno what i can do. Try me.

birthdays..

My younger bro, Melcom's birthday. Like always, when one of our birthday was being celebrated, the rest also busy joining. I was looking at the cake, yummy!! Thanx to Mummy.
Sigh, i dun have a pic of my birthday celebration during the earlier years. And i dun have my youngest bro's too. He wasn't created yet this time. :)

birthdayss again

My second elder bro, Edmond's birthday. He & the elset were competing to blow out the candles. Hey, the girl in the middle was not me! It is my cousin, Karen. Like i said, she was one of the faithful visitors to cheer the party up.. :)

again birthday..

This pic was taken during my two elder brothers birthday. Their day & month of birth is just 1 month apart. Lovely Mummy threw a simple party for them n bought 2 cakes for them.

ok, birthday again right..

The only Birthday cake for Mummy,a cake brought by her loving sisters, celebrated during CNY as her birthday was around that time, in Kuala Penyu. I was too busy playing with cousin, and initially resisted to a picture with her. Thanx God, i did join her. If i had not, my face wouldn't engraved here.

A hope on the Christmas Day

I can feel the Christmas atmosphere is getting warmer now. Jingle Bell was played in Ngiu kee when i went there yesterday. Well, i prefer The First Noel.
I am so cannot wait for Christmas this year. I dunno why. Previous years, my Christmas just like any other days, nothing is special.
Indeed my family doesn't really celebrate Christmas like a normal Christian would have. In fact, we don't celebrate anything, not even our birthdays. Sigh.. If only my dad knows the meaning of celebrating special days, it would makes us feel that we are special..
I remember the only one who ever celebrated my birthday was my mom. Miss her. She used to buy cakes for us. There would always a cake, with our names on it, telur merah, mee, fried chicken and some candies. It is like a small party for the close families. My cousins, Karen & the brothers, and also our neighbours would be the faithful visitors to sing "Happy Birthday". Haha.. Sweet memories. It were just simple parties, but we were so happy.
The only birthday party i had with friends was when i was in primary 4 or 5. I saw my friends celebrating their birthdays in KFC, Sugarbun, or just in the classrooms. They got so many presents. I was so jealous. Then i told mummy, i also want a party for my birthday. And she made one for me, in KFC. She told my dad, and my dad agreed too. I was so happy,so i invited the whole classmates to the party. It cost my dad about RM300 ++, i think. At the last minute, i got an extra friend coming to the party, That time i was so scared that my dad wouldn't have enough money to pay for it! I was so sad thinking about it, then i told myself, "nevermind la, i can spare my meal, and gave it to her, so that we no need to add another meal. I would pretend that i am full." Haha.. Of cuz, just 1 extra meal wont cost much, just a silly thoughts of mine. I was so happy that time. I think that is the last party thrown for my birthday.
Back to Christmas, I hope someone comes to my life and make a change. I want to celebrate Christmas!!! I want to embrace the true meaning of Christmas, and feel the joys it brings.
Talking about The First Noel,it reminds me of someone. Hope my phone will be vibrating for joy on that day, at least a Christmas Greeting. I swear i wont ignore.
That is my hope for this Christmas. But i am emotionally ready not to get anything, cuz i know the chances is so little..

Weizen Justin

confusion

i am so confused!!! whether i should give up this feelings or not. Is feeling only short-lived? If yes, then it is not worth keeping it right? I believe it is. Feelings can be buried over time. With time, it fades. How about love?
i dun want to love a person just because of the feelings. I want to love him because I LOVE HIM. Feelings don't last long. Feelings come and go, with range of intensity. Sometimes we FEEL like we are so much in love with the person, but sometimes, just normal. I dun want that kind of feelings. Certainly, i dun want to make that as my reason to love someone..
But if it is not the love feelings, then what else should love based on? His character? His kindness? His physical? No, No, NO, certainly NO!!! i don't want to base my love on those.. Cuz thy will fade too...
Then what lasts forever? nothing lasts forever.. sad..

blunted mood & affect

mmm.. feel so not in the mood today. i planned to study, since my class ended around noon, so i have another half day to study. But things just couldn't get into my brain. May be the effects of menstruation.
After came back from class, as usual the first thing i did was logged into the facebook, read the news online. After an hour over the internet, my eyes felt tired, so i thought of just taking a 20min nap. But ended up i sleeping until 6pm. Gosh.. i didn't realize i slept so long. how much time i have wasted.
May be i am tired this few days. Sitting on my butt from morning to noon listening to 3 presentations, in which every presentation we have to take attention, jot down important points, coz Prof will always ask us to make the summary at the end of the presentation, along with 1001 questions. It is so mentally exhausted.
One thing i realize is that, human without pressure, can never improve or do work properly. We need some stress to push us working. Otherwise, well just take things easily and lazily. Compared those who presented to Dr. Nampak Menang(Saw Win), those who presented to Prof put more effort in their presentation preparations. Cuz Nampak Menang doesnt scold us, there is no pressure, no need to be afraid.
That is why i like pressure, to some extent. It challenges me, it makes me move, it energizes me.
I like challenge. That is the reason foe me making Melacca as my 1st choice in elective posting. I dun mind posted alone, cuz i know i will survive. Yeay, i am a survivor!!! hehe.. But im so regret choosing it now! Cuz at the time of filling in the form, i didn't know that we have to do a poster presentation. If i get Melacca, means i have to do it ALONE!! Cuz i am the only 1 who applied there. Huhu...

1st chocolate sold!

i just sold my choc to Monisha (yeay!), through the middle person, Belinda. Haha.. she spreads the news to her that i have a big lump of extra chocolates. and it is very true.. it is all due to my greediness when i went back to Labuan last Raya holiday. i determined to get a stock of chocolate that can lasts me like 1 year. i spent about RM200(?!!!). Crazy, isn't it?!! Npw i am so regret.. i could have used the money to shop for clothes or just keep it in the bank. Arghh.. i always act without go through the normal process thinking.. What a poor impulse control i have!!!
Those who want, please come to my room, while the stocks last!!! :)

PMS

It started with feeling of unusual sadness in the morning. I felt like i just wanted to cry, feel so sad. I just couldn't figure out why. Then i suddenly thought of my dad. He was admitted 9 days ago due to fever with chills & rigor, accompanied by yellowish greenish sputum. So i guessed he had some infection in the lung, most probably bacterial pneumonia. CXR clear though. He was given prednisolone & iv antibiotic. I was scared that something bad might happen to him. Since he has severe poor controlled asthma all this while. His lungs are very prone to infection and not as good as a normal lung in fighting infection. So i sms him, asking if he has already been discharged. He didnt replied. It made me worry more. Called my bro who is now sitting for SPM, alas couldnt get through. Sms my eldest bro. didnt get any reply. I really worry. But the 1 whole day lecture with prof. fadzillah spare me the thoughts. then finally my dad replied and said that he was just discharged but now having the side effects of the Predisolone & also the antibiotic. But then,I am so relieved to know that he is already discharged. Thanx God.
Now let me continue with my PMS. Later in the afternoon, until now, i become irritable. EVerything seems not right to me. And i am getting irritable towards my new roommate. She always talks on the phone for very long time, like 30min to 1 hour in the room. It kinda disturbs me. Imagine there are 3 people inside 1 small room. N when one talks, the other two can hear what u are talking about in the phone. It is not like i am very interested in what she's talking about. But i just couldn't help not listening. it is not like there is a rule in the room that we cant talk on the phone. i do talk on the phone in the room. But i make it as a short conversation as i can, cuz i dun wanna disturb the rest. But if u know that u want to talk sweetly to ur bf,n u know that u gonna spend a long time cuddling on the phone, please consider the other 2 people in the room. It is just nice that if u could talk outside the room. It is already stuffy enough to have 3 person inside 1 small room, not to mention the 2 table fans on the floor, the extension cord with the wire everywhere, and 2 double-Decker beds. It makes the room airless,un- breathable.
mmm.. i have no choice but to stand it. Hope this 3-person-in-1-room thing not gonna be long. i need my privacy too.. on top of that i pay the hostel fee the same amount with those who have only 1 roommate. It is not fair at all.
ok that's it. i cant spend too much typing though there seems to be so much i wanna tell, i have to study. exam is coming soon. May be next time ok.

My love

where r u? still out there mingling around with the wrong women?
come to me when u r done.
cant wait.

Song that always make me lost my mind & soul

Kau gadisku yang cantik
Coba lihat aku disini
Disini ada aku yang sayang padamu

Kau gadisku yang manis
Coba dekat aku disini
Disini ada aku yang cinta padamu

*
Walau ku tahu bahwa dirimu sudah ada yang punya
Namun aku tunggu sampai kau mau

**
Jangan jangan kau menolak cintaku
Jangan jangan kau ragukan hatiku
Ku 'kan slalu setia menunggu
Untuk jadi pacarmu

***
Jangan jangan kau tak terima cintaku
Jangan jangan kau hiraukan pacarmu
Putuskanlah saja pacarmu
Lalu bilang I LOVE U padaku

sad.. terribly missing someone right now..

oooo.... why oh why.. people cant stand a little test. Aren't test good? It differentiates us between gold and silver, then silver and bronze. well.. which category should i put u in?
MMM.. at the moment, u seem to be bronze to me. U disappoint me.
But who am i to test people? is not God the only one who have the complete right & worth to judge us?
i dunno. i am confused. May be i am too much in control of everything. How many times has God reminds me of trusting him with all our heart. Envelop ourselves in His Majesty Love..
Dear God, i am just ur servant, who is very weak and always in fear of losing everything if i lose control..
i am aware too God,it is the moment when we lose control,that marks our surrender, giving up our human minute strength all back to u. It is through our weakest point that u work your way out. So that we realize how mighty you are, Lord...
Lord, remind me always of that.. it is not the healthy that needs doctor, but the sick. U r the doctor who reaches out to the sick..
And God, i pray that u always bless him, grant him joy.. If there is anytime that he feels lonely like i do, be with him Lord. Amen.

i am so pissed off

with those uncivilized people in my house. U just cant imagine how uncivilized are they in this 20th century. they are stupid n on top of it, they are dirty. Yes, dirty Girls. U wouldn't know it if u see them just like that. From outside, they look neat, ayu (konon), wrapped appropriately, n the most unbelievable is that they r actually one of the top people in board. crap. bullshits.
what words can u describe people who dump big pieces of left-over food onto the sink just like that? are they blind, or what? tell me, for god's sake! don't they have the basic knowledge that those pieces of food, when accumulated, will clog the sink????
And how may times already it did!!! How many times more? y can't they learn? i wouldn't care a shit if what they did don't cause troubles to other people.
Belinda said that few times she saw them, instead of reaching their hands n pick those residual food to the dustbin, they use their hands to force the foods INTO the sink. mm.. these idiot jokers in my house thought that the sink is like a magic hole, whatever you throw inside will disappear by itself.. oh come on...
Eli said that this is hostel life. Yeah It is hostel "life" if u r living with idiots!!! Doc-to-be? with that kind of attitude? with no basic knowledge of hygiene? oh spare me God... I dun believe hostel life are doomed to be that way.. I believe that it will just feel like home if u dun behave like idiots.
and u have not seen the after-math they caused after they done their cooking... with the pieces of onions, chillies, rice all over the kitchen and on the sink.
Adui.. punya lah main pengotor.. apa la guna nampak ayu dr luar, tp mcm hantu di dlm? Go back to basic!!!

for someone far far away...

miss u. dunno y, but i do. everything reminds me of u, esp going to mass every week. Wherever u may be, whatever u do, no matter how much u hate me, may The Almighty bless u & be with u always.

I have been cheated by Monica

Yes.. that is right. i have been cheated by Monica Weizen Justin. That is actually my full name. Many don't know about that. i once forgot that i have that name too. ppl just call me Weizen.
Yeah. i lied to myself. i told myself that i would get up early in the morning to have a brief jog around the faculty. i feel that my tummy is bulging out, more and more each day. May be because i cook. Whenever i cook, there will always be a left-over. i feel so bad of not finishing my food. so i end up eating more than my stomach can store. To reduce my stomach size is not the main reason. Lately my health is not in a good state. so i just want to sweat out n feel fresh again. i do nothing at 217b except lying down on the bed, or sitting on the chair with my lappy.
i want to play badminton so much.. it has been 1 yr plus since i last played. but i have no racket n no1 to play with. my life is so boring, is not it?
ARghhh. sorethroat still... hate this unpleasent feeling each time i swallow. n i can feel my body started to feel cold, an early sign of fever. arghh.. dun turn it into a bacteria infection pls.. i dun wanna take antibiotic.. let it be a self-limiting viral infection.

Good Morning everyone!! Happy Saturday!

I woke up at 7am. Was already awake before that, but like usual i give myself 10min to get ready to get up, another 10min, another 10min, another 10min..( u want to wait til it finish? don't..)
Ok. Yesterday i spent more than RM100 just in Ngiu Kee.. i always have an unexpected expenses especially when i have extra money in the pocket. Arghh... when will i stop this over-budget habit?? It is really hard to control unless i am really broke.. Seriously... Few times i only left like RM50 for 2 weeks, but i can really stick super-tightly to my budget. I went to buy vege, some meat so that i didnt need to buy outside food which is super duper expensive. Esp. Amah Curry House. i was so heavy-hearted to take out rm6 for just rice n 1 lamb meat, after that i seldom eat at Amah, unless i want to eat roti canai.
let me see what things i bought in Saberkas:
1. contact lens Rm 43
2. 2 short pants Rm 10
3. brassiere :) Rm 12.50 (this is after 70% discaunt ok?)
4. Vege, tauhu, chicken Rm 20
then....
this was where i over-budget... i was walking to the food department in Ngiu Kee, when i suddenly saw there was Ivy facial products promotion. There was a full range of facial care products like the facial wash, toner, mask,etc. Then suddenly i saw on the table there was a device that can analyze which kind of skin type are ours belong too. it was connected to the lappy where they will take a snap of our skin with the device and enlarge n display it on the lappy.
then i was so excited. i want! initially i just wanted to see how bad was my skin. My skin is so oily with clogged and big pores :( N that was exactly what the promoter told me. Then she offered me to wash my face. U know lah this sweet-talking promoters.. first they see your skin.. aiya your skin is quite bad ah.. very oily n dry, u really need to take care of it.. 2nd, they offer to wash ur face. Xiao je, ni yao wo bang ni xi yi sia lian ma? wa, then i quickly said yes!! hehe.. i was so free that time ma.. just finished my patient interview, so took it as a reward la. hehe...
Though she only washed half of my face so that i can see the difference between both sides of my face when she was done, i felt so pampered.. oh, how nice if my bf is a rich guy, then can go to facial treatment every week.. hahaha..
She washed, applied the mask and the mosturizer on my face. It has nice fragrance, which relaxed me more. I just laid back n pretended like i was so interested in buying their products ( which i later actually come back wit it...), asking the price of each of their products. It was nice, but i think i feel just the same when i use other brands, Nothing really special. But the promoter really good in words n got me buy
5. A set of Ivy faial care trial rm 26
6. Ivy mask Rm 50
that was exactly how i over-budget!!!!!

A new Addictor

The reason i do not like to indulge myself in watching series is that i will get addicted to it, which is what i am having now!
I watched like 3-4 episodes of House in a row while my Case Presentation wit PROF. FADZILLAH is on this Tuesday. I have got only 2 days to do it n yet i still stick my bum onto the chair, set my eyes on the lappy watching House??? What The Hell weizen..
Ya ya ya.. i know.. i ll move my butt out of this chair after i finish blogging ok.. My health is bad this week. 1st, terrific headache for 3days consecutively, resistant to 4 tablets of PCM i dumped into my blood vessel through the digestive system. And now is sorethroat. I have been eating unhealthily this couple of days. n i drank the buy-1-free-1 Nescafe Mocha i bought from Ngiu Kee like almost everyday, which i will take the last can after this. sorry, i am a coffee lover.. N not to mention the fried rice, nuggets,and hash browns that passed through my throats for the past 1 week. First it is viral, soon it will get secondary bacteria infection, which will be way worse than now. I am taking some precaution now ( mm, not the mocha after this though) like forcing my self to drink plenty of water every now and then. I hope it wont turn out to be a bacteria infection the next few days.
ok guys, got to go. The presentation community board meeting is calling me. night night..

A Nice Shot

Yeay!!!! It was such a satisfying interview. I got almost everything from him. Wow, the patient is is such a co-operating patient.. He is so nice.. n i sympathize him for what had happened. May God look upon him with mercy after what he has been through n bless him. Amen!!!
Fyooo.. What a relieve sigh!! N thanx to Grace n Hwei Sung for introducing this patient to me. After this, i just need to concentrate on doing the slides, elaborate the story nicely n present it on next Tuesday. As for now. i want to reward myself with a nice rest while watching House.
I am so left-out. People have been watching House centuries ago, n i just started the 1st episode yesterday. Hehehehe.. I no a movie-person. I dun catch every single episode of drama the moment they r out like my girlfriends do. Whenever there are new movies coming out, even b4 the movies r out, they have already busy talking bout it, n so cannot wait to watch it.. As for me, i dun give any new movies or series a damn. I dun mind watching movie now that others have watched it 10years ago. hehehe.. N i dun really into watching it at the cinema. Yeah, no doubt the audio n visual effects are more real on the big screen. But im just so stingy to take out RM9 from my pocket for a movie, which i can copy from a movie hard-fan friend who downloads every single movie n watch it on my small lappy.. So lame right? Well, this is me. I hope there r guys or at least a guy who likes a lame girl like me.. Isn't it good? He doesn't need to spend so much money on movies.. :P
Arrghh.. the whether is so hot. That's y i cancel my plan of going to Saberkas. cant stand the heat even with the umbrella on. may be later in the evening when the Sun is about to go back to his dwelling place behind the clouds n hills.
OKKKK... now is House time. i was watching half way just now when it suddenly blackout.
Tata..

Friday Hari Raya Haji

Finally i can blog. it suddenly blackout when i checked through my emails, nothing but a full junk of Facebook updates.
i woke up with terrible ache on my left head. i could feel the pounding artery calling for PCM. So i took 2 tablets. thank God it slowly disappears after 30min. fuuu... my life is so dependent on PCM. i just can't do anything when the headache attacks me. It is like every week i have this aching pain on my head. become less talkative, can't concentrate. N this really worries me.. For sure during HO, there will be a damn heavy workloads n sleep deprivation.. Mentally i am fit for such stress, but not my head.. Once the pain come, my entire body just switched off.. huhu..
Belinda my roomate must be having fun with other church members in Sematan for the Empowered Camp organized by St. Joe. So jelous.. Ken, Hwei Sung, n Grace must be otw to Gunung Gading now.. arghhh.... left me here in apartment 217, lot 77 Kuching, stuck with my patient interview preparation.. Arghh!! I supposed to be with the 3 fellows right now!!! I left with no choice but to sacrifice my weekend Gunung Gading plan for my case presentation.. if it were not for Prof. Fadzillah, i would have joined them!!!
I hope the sacrifice would not turn out to be a wrong decision. I Hope Hung Hung Inn cafe is open today. Today is a public holiday for hari raya haji. i made the appointment with my patient in the cafe. If it close, i'll be dead meat. Where else m i gonna take him? it is not like i have a car. i choose Hung Hung Inn cuz i can walk there.
God, i pray that everything will run smoothly today.. Hope i can dig as much as i can from him regarding his depression symptoms. My problem now is that the patient is a follow-up patient in SGH, which means he doesn't have chief complaint. How on earth am i to present a MDD case to PROF. FADZILLAH without a chief complaint. he will screw me up man. Worse come to worse, i'll just create my own. that's what medical students do right... confabulating stories, make it a nice one.. :)
mm.. later i have to treat the patient makan. Thanx God i have some extra money now. if not, how to belanja? im not complaining, but it is a token to the patients who willing to tell their secret, spend their time for us to do a case study.
But some patients take advatange of this. Just like my previous Case write up patient, who asked me RM50. he said he wanted to borrow n will pay me when he gets his pay. Hello??? Do u think i am a fool? just because his age n mine do not differ much n he thinks that he could bully me? i may look weak cuz i am not good in saying "NO", but hey, i knew what was the intention inside ur brain. i hate being fooled by a fool. N i hate myself for not be able to tell lie on the spot. my words will be shaky, n i pause few times to give the reasons.
Well,Honesty can be our strength n our weakness as well.
thinking of going to saberkas after the interview, provided the weather allows me n i am not tired to walk another km. Saberkas is my only entertainment n place to relieve my stress.. Sounds so pitiful.. But what can i do.. My life is limited without a car n a boyfriend besides me.. Sad.. When will i have one?
But having no car has it funs too. i can feel to sit in different cars when i ask for a lift from friends. Vios, kancil, Viva,n kumar's car, forget what kind of car is his. hehe. But thanx to all of my friends.. U dunno how much it means for us who dun have a car, get a lift from u all. U dunno how much suffer we have been through without car. I walked from my rented house in Sibu to the hospital everyday under the scorching heat of the mighty sun. Sweating, dehydrating my skin, stimulating the oil gland to supply more oil to the skin, but excessively, n finally my face burst out into ugly-looking pimples.. N how troublesome it is to call everyone just to ask whether they go to hosp, what time r they going, n asking whether we can follow them. N there r times when they just don't go to the hosp, n we have no choice but not to go as well. We have to follow their schedule. Sometimes it gets so frustrating that my tears fall. Just could not help myslef. feel like my life is so dependent on others. Feel so disabled. U rich ppl will not know how it feels. But we poor ppl do. N we appreciate those who are very considerate bout us, willing to give us a ride. I am not complaining. But i look it in a positive way. Though i have none, but i give thanx to God for those who have. I give thanx to the Most High for the fortune other ppl have but i don't. Thanx.. only God can returns ur good deeds. I dun regret for what i dun have right now. Cuz i am pretty sure, i can achieve that by my own, my own, n my own efforts. It is more meaningful, isn't it? There is no gain without pain, they said. n it is so true.

unfortunate night

arghh!!! I changed my mind of joining the hari raya haji makan2 at audi. Scared there will be no1 i know. wanna join, since i am so damn bored in the room. Plus can mkn free. wanna try the girls cooking. I msg n called evry1 asking whether they r going or not, but no1 replied. Nvrmind, not my night. next year may be i ll join.
N i am hungry now. not so hungry la, but the desire to eat is always there. N i still got this damn headache!!!! really dunno what this head wants from me! i fed her with 2 panadols, sound sleep, n yet still making noise! when will this headache leave me???? arghh.. i just cant do anything right now. i dun want to sleep as i have slept so much. no matter ho much i sleep, the pain is still there. what a morbidity!!!

Last min changes

arghh.. I pulled out Cell Group Camp last min.. just to interview a patient for my case presentation next week. It is so heart-breaking.. really wanna go... Y my weekend plan has to be spoiled this way..
It is a 2day 1 night camp near Gunung Gading. it must be very fun.. n i have to miss all of it.. dunno if i will have another chance to go there..
mm.. but im so thankful that final (FINALLY) i get a very cooperative patient that is willing to be interviewed. got to do it nicely, as i will prerent it to Prof. Fadzillah.. huhu..
sedihz...

Questiones left unaswered,only to be buried by time

MY..
how are you?
I miss you..
really i do..
word can never describe it..

i am sorry..
if i seem to have forgotten you..
i never did,
never did i, even once..
i just try hard not to think about it..
cause i whenever i do, my tears fall...

But tonight,
it is all coming back to me,
all of it,
no longer can i hold the tears in my eyes,
how i wish i could have the chance...
to be with you, again..
even if only once, i will be satisfied..

I remember,
it was a fine weekend,
i wanted to eat sugarcane,
once a favorite of mine,
and you plugged it, took the flesh, cut it into pieces
and i ate it,
it tasted so sweet,
just as sweet as your love always is..

and i also remember,
i was an innocent little kid,
playing around, with my little bro,
and you were bearing your last fruit,
it was so noisy outside,
u asked me to close the door,
i asked, "why me, not him?"
you answered, lovingly..
"because you are a girl, your hand will close the door gently, and wont make any noise"
and being your girl,
i am proud of it.

and of course,
being your only girl,
sometimes..
i wonder...
will you love me more? more than the others?
or can i boast to the others that i get your love more than they do?
will we make fun of each other, and laugh together?
will you be the one that i always complaint to whenever things get on my nerve?
will we share everything?
will i tease you of not knowing how to drive when i have got my license?
will i teach you how to drive? and u teach me how to cook?
will you nag me on the phone?
will i ever had the feeling of wanting to go back so much just to meet you? just how others do?
will you ever hug me a goodbye whenever it is time for me to leave?
will you visit me?
will you proud of me now?
will you ever shed your tears when i finally graduate?

and i would like to ask..
why do you left me?
why aren't you be here, when i need you the most?
why do i have nothing to say, when others boast about theirs?
why do i need to answer everything, myself..?

Well,
i know.. clearly..
these questions will never be answered..
it can only be kept silent by time..
it buries all hatress, all sadness, all venom, all poisons, all flesh..
nothing can run from it..

i am tired..
tired already..
tired of comforting myself..
tired of being strong when indeed i am not..
tired of holding back my tears when indeed my heart is flooded with it..
tired of getting healed when it is to be torn again..
tired of holding on when in fact i have nothing to hold on to..
tired of keeping this thought away by just going to sleep, when it is to haunt me again the next day..
tired of keep standing up before i fall again..
i am exhausted..

i break down..
breaking down into pieces..
but,
with my own strength,
i stand up..
before i break again..

after all.. it is just ...a matter of time
is not it?

exam finished. time for window shopping

i juz came back from window shopping at Sanyan.. wit Pui Wen. Thanx to her for bringing me out. or else i will be lying on the bed the whole day dreaming.. Sometimes it is nice juz to see without buying .. i can go to one shop and another, without spending so much time in 1 shop, juz to choose the best cloth or whatever stuff that i m looking for..Cuz i want the best for each cent i spend. and at the end, juz bcuz i am not satisfied with the design ( actually, it is my body that doesn't "fit" the cloth..) i go out of the shop with empty hands, after spending few hours juz in that shop..
well.. who can blame me.. i am a Girl.... haha
i went to the 1 Beauty Shop, looking at the nail accessories.. those small beads with nice colors that are glued on the nail.. then suddenly a salesgirl approached me.. She looked at my face.. asked me, "what product do u use?" Damn.. i know la my face is the house of acnes now.. so sad man.. she was like trrying to convince me to try their beauty treatment.. if i have EXTRA money, i would. but since i have none, well.. i juz have to listen and say ya ya ya... then ciau... haha.. well, at the moment, rather than wasting my money on beauty spa, i prefer to use that money to see private dermatologist.. to know what is actually my prob.. so frustrated. my skin is like getting worse since i come to Sibu.. could it be due to the environmental factors? hormone prob? streess? arghhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!! i really wanna know.. Looking at the miror makes my heart ache.....
it may be bcuz of the environment here.. my house is juz few steps away from the construction site. they are building a few rows of houses.. the lorries and those big trucks will faithfully pass my house everyday, bringing big junk of bricks and dunno what else la.. n when they pass, all the dust will like so happily flying and floating,, it's like " wow..woohoo... at last i can fly to new place..mm let's see, where shud we go? huh, i know!! let's go to Weizen's face! it is a good potential house to live in.. woohooo!!" then they drop by my face.. then the oil factory inside will overeact to welcome new guests and start to produce oil.. the oil is like wine to them, so there they are, happily celebrating the visitors, and CAUSING MY FACE TO BECOME LIKE THIS!!!!
well that is my 1st theory la..
Hormone imbalance? may b, and may be not.. well, if it is due to hormone, y is my menses not affected? i stil have it every month.. or may be there is hormone imbalance, but not that severe that could affect the menses? i dunno.. i juz finished paeds posting, hevent gone into O&G yet.. only this Monday it will start ( now im honeymoon-ing, pity those who r in O&G now, they r still anxiously waiting for their last clinical exam tomorrow.. hehe ).. arghh...
or may be the stress? well.. everybody will point to the STRESS whenever they couldnt find any cause to their acne prob.. haha.. kasian.. but i dun think stress is the culprit.. all this while i am struggling with different kind of stress, y only the acne prob started to appear when im in Sibu? or is it the stress of clinical years is heavier? may be.. well, in fact, yes it is.. every 2-3 months i will have a maniac cycle, my emotion will suddenly fluctuate very high bcuz of the exam.. n once exam finished (like now... wooo...so nice..) , it will drastically drop down.. if i plot it in a graph, like the growth chart that we plot for the childre in paeds, it will look like many inverted "V" with straight line in between.. Haha.. how could my body stand with that kind of drastic streesss?? fuhh. well.. medic life is like this.. just like what Dr Ameen said during our feedback session, dun regret once u've taken this path, it is already half way.. get urself interested in it.. well.. that is true..
mm.. i will only know what is my prob when i consult a dermatologist.. which i dunno when.. to see private dermatologist, i think it will cost me few hundreds.. wow.. n to see goverment dermatologist, whom i already made an appointment with, only available this May. n by the time i would have finished my clinical in Sibu. how leh? well.. just wait and see la.. for the time being, i juz have to stand the parasites on my face.. sadly...

A new step forward

Finally, after few weigh of thoughts, i decided to make it a GO. I've read few articles from the bloggers. Events that took place around them, experience they went through, things they saw, people they talked to, food they ate, pictures they took, all were made into a nice story book with many different chapters.
They talked shit about other bitches, they condemned the Malaysia Gov( which is none other than BN), they argued about the never-ending racial issues, they talked about gifts they got for the V day, gossiping, so on & on & on... It is like this whole wide world is belong to them..(well.. thanx to the internet where everything is juz a click away...)
It is amazing how juz from a person point of view, a story can b told differently. Parsh Hilton may look gorgeous with her big sunglass, a yet a dying cachexic stick woman to another.. How great the eye is!
Well.. i guess.. at the other end of the corner, i could also make a small stall, telling stories of mine, JUST MINE.. just how they inspire me, mine might also open the eyes of others. There are many hidden stories, heavy loads, different thoughts & a whole lot of craps to be unsealed.
So, here i am guys!! A new step juz take a few moments ago, to tell stories to the world, to add more colors to the rainbow, to add more salt to the big cup of ocean, to reduce my loads n fly...