Unspoken

"I want to tell you that I love you so much, but I can't"

Tonight the moon is very pretty. It shines so brightly, it is full moon!
Sigh.. I can't enjoy it to the fullest. My heart is taken away by the sea, the wave carries it far and farther. It is surprising that wind seems to know where it blows to, supplying a kind of force to the wave, so that my heart reaches its destination fast.

If only the wave could whisper to your ears softly, that there is a little girl far away missing u so much..

If only the wind could sing a lovely song, telling u that there is a little girl far away keep thinking bout u..

If only the moon tonight could shine your heart brightly and chase away all the doubts..

Disappointed & frustrated

Yes. I am so so disappointed & frustrated with myself. Arggg!!
Yes what Dr. Zaki said just now is so very true that reading alone is not enough! You have to PRACTICE, PRACTICE, and PRACTICE, weizen!!!
How many times have I to read all about the peripheral nerves. An yet when I was asked to examine patient in short case, I was stuck after inspection!
I dunno what are the specific tests to carry out for the particular nerve palsy!
Yeah I came across it so many times that I take it for granted and just briefly glance through without memorizing it.
I see but I don't look.
I hear but I dun listen.
That is my problem.
I am so ignorant.
Arghh...

Nevertheless, Dr. Zaki has triggered me to read about nerves. He has showed that I am so weak in clinical and showmanship. Gotta read all these 3 important peripheral nerve and try to practice the examination.
Weizen, You have to get things started and dun just sit ur lazy butt 24hours!! It is end of 3rd week. another 2 week in the ward and then CNY break, and there you will be, the end of Orthopaedics posting!

Honest & Trust

Psychiatry and ENT results have came out. I passed, everyone passed. I should be happy right? Yeah I am happy because no1 fails. Sometimes, if there is failure, and it is not ours, we are happy, but to know that the failure is our friend's, we feel sad. Failure might means one would left behind, and the rest move on. And I dun want to see any of my friend, though some may irritate me sometimes, to be left 1year behind.

But I am not so happy. 2reasons.

First, though I passed, but I didn't score well. I only get B for Psy and B+ for ENT. I am not really disappointed with my ENT, but my Psy. Why can't I get B+. Getting B is like so borderline with B-, which is not good. But anyhow, I am glad I passed.

Second, I am sad that I told the truth. Now I feel like I am losing a friend. Yeah, Honesty is the best policy, which is always my principle. But the result of being honest sometimes makes me doubt, shouldn't I just keep it a shut..

I dun wanna regret of being honest. Now, I just want God to help me to surrender NREJ and all my beloved.

Sometimes, mmmm... No, No.. All the time, I am taking so much control of myself. I am not willing to let go. I want to control what I get, who I get, how I get. I am so much afraid of giving them up to God, because of my little faith in HIM. I refused to trust him, to believe that in His hands, He can handle my properties better than anyone on earth could.

I am so much afraid that if I let Him handle my owns, He would handle it in a way that different from mine.

I am so much afraid that If I surrender them to Him, He will never give the back to me. Just how He took my mother away, even without my permission.

May be the trauma that I had few years ago now become the barrier between me and God. I just lose my trust on Him.

But deep in my heart, I always ask Him to restore my faith and my trust in Him. Because I really can't handle too much stress in my life. My burden is very heavy that I fall so many times, and bleed my knees. I guess it is how He keeps on falling because of the Sins that he carried for us. The load that he once carried is far heavier than mine. And I pray that He could walk with me, carry the burden with me, as He has promised me.

Lord, help me to surrender those that I love so much in this world to You. Give me the courage to present them to You. As I am tired Lord, tired, Lord, to take control every single things in my life. I just want a rest...

ANd help me to trust that everything will always be good in Your hand.

Lord, take Lord.. Take everything in my life, every single breath I breathe, every single soul I love, Every single cent I have, every success that I have achieved.. Take Lord, take all of them.. Leave nothing for me, except you MAJESTY LOVE.

Just your love Lord.. And it is sufficient enough for me...

Give up

Just before I called it a night, I want to update my blog. It is still about NREJ.

Think I have no choice but to give NREJ up. Though I am not sure whether it is a right choice or not. Of all, this one makes me feel different.

NREJ is different. I know. I feel it, despite only within few days of meeting up.

It is my bad to lose this one.

REASON

Finally, NREJ read the REASON. I am relieved that he finally knows the truth. At the same time, I am scared that I will lose NREJ. But I keep telling myself, of all stupid things that I have done to myself, this might be the best. It hurts me so much to tell NREJ, but NREJ has the right to know the truth. Honesty is the best policy. I dun want to bear the lie.

But I wonder.. If NREJ bothers so much about it like I do. May be all that doesn't even matter to NREJ right? May be I am the one that keep worrying, keep thinking, missing about NREJ, and at the end make myself confuse.

MM.. Dunno what would NREJ reply be. I bet it would not makes me happy but it would be the best reply.

Now I feel so sad...........

shut your mouth up girl!

I am so irritated! With this girl in facebook, who is so proud with her pretty looking face. Keep posting shoutouts about many guys are wooing her, that they scared her.

err... I know u r pretty and many admirers la.. But do u need to tell the whole wide world about it? It is so obvious that U r showing off.

Why U r so proud of ur face girl? Don't u know that ur face will be rotten by age? by time? and u will eventually become just like the makcik yg jual ikan bilis di pasar, an ugly old lady?

Just show it to ur boyfriend ba, no need to tell others!

Bikin panasss, bikan malas!

Kalau setakat muka cantik, byk ba pilipin d labuan tu buli lawan muko ko. Tu pun mo tembirang. Muka cantik, hati busuk kuat jeles suka show off apa guna.

Accidents can occur anytime, it can take away ur pretty physical just with one single blow. Then what else u have, and what else want to show off girl, if u dun have the pretty inside?

No one can take the inner beauty from us. Some guys are just blinded by the deceiving looking of girls. They are so quick to fall and melted by the physical.

Whatever la. Bikin malas mo cakap. EEE.... sakit hati saja.

Death

I saw another death today. An event that if given a choice, I would never choose to see, or even come near to it. But what can I do? My life, my future career, my responsibility are all related to it.

I stopped by the mortuary after my class in the Orhopaedics Ward finished to see any post mortem for that late afternoon. If it is not for the sake of getting marks for case write-up, I would not step my feet into the mortuary. I hope this would be the last.

The case was of a road traffic accidents case, that took the deceased life right at the scene.

The post mortem was done in just half an hour time. Severe head injury was the cause of death. We could see the temporal bone was fractured into several pieces, and affected the brain.

Seeing people die really makes me feel bad. But it is not as bad as to see the family reactions when they come to collect the body. It is very heart-aching.. I feel sorry for them.. Though I don't know them, my heart hurts for them. So far, those that I have seen, as they were brought in to identify the body, then to the doctor in-charge and informed about the most likely cause of death of their beloved, they either cried disbelievingly that their loved ones had gone. Or numbed with shock, not a sad face, just expressionless, no words uttered out, just keep their face down, and nodding their head as the doctor told them. What inside their heart and mind? I dunno.

But for sure, that is just an initial reaction. Sad, unbelievable, angry.. All will come and haunt them, before they finally can live with the reality.

Sometimes I wonder.. Does God tell people about their death the last moments they spend on earth? We often heard bout those who acted strangely few days before they died. Some seem to know that they would leave the world soon, and bid farewell to their beloved in many weird ways. Some leave last note, some did things that they never did before, like asking for their fav food, kiss their love, and telling the closed one about their death.

And I wonder, how death feels? I am so scared.. What if someday, God decides to take away my life when I have not ready?

What would it feel?
Would it be very painful? or would I die painlessly and "peacefully"?
How would I die? from a disease? from an accidents? or during sleep?
When would it? After I get married, with children? or during old age?
How my body would look like? would it be recognizable? Would it be in a good condition?
Would I know beforehand? So that I could say last few words to my family, asking them not to be too sad, and take care of themselves after I leave?

Scary, isn't it?

Life is very short. I am now 23. High school feels like just yesterday. Terrible experience of year 1 in medical school feels just new and fresh. And now, another 1 year plus, I am gonna leave this Unimas to be a Doctor?

Time flies. Time waits for no man. Time hurts, time heals. Time comes, times goes. All the sayings about time are so true.

After all, everything is just a matter of time. Isn't it?

Knowing that the time is just a blink of an eye. I feel most of my 23 years on earth is wasted. They say, being on earth is just temporary, another eternal one will come. And We should prepare ourselves for the latter.

I waste my time longing, searching, thirsting for the worldly affairs, fun, desire. All the temporaries.. I wonder if I would have the time to regret before I die.

I hope that God knows that I am weak. Always fall into temptations. Sinning again and again. My heart is full of hatred, jealousy, self-contredness, self-fishness, unforgiveness, revenge, ego.. All of which makes my soul falling sick and weak day by day.

My soul is dry, thirst, hungry, fatigue...

I hope, that God will give me some more time, to appreciate the time left here on earth..

Sleep or study?

Arghh, it is 9.07pm! Time flies. My weekend will be ended in hours time. I have a case to present tomorrow and I hvent prepared anything yet. I just came back from church, dinner and food shopping in 100%.

Now I feel so sleepy already that I don't think the Ipoh White Coffe that I have would stay me til midnight.

So what do u think? should I just give up these hours and hit the pillow? and get up early morning to prepare the case?

Oh... Where are u my Love? Can I have a hug before I go to sleep? I need physical indulgence right now. I want u my love to softly touch and play with my hair, lullaby me til I sleep.... I want, I want, I want....


Yeah I know, I wont get it. Just go to sleep la Weizen. Nobody will entertain ur silly request. The one U r waiting for is nowhere to be seen. Dunno in which sea, what island, what country is he now, or even who is he?

Ok .... Keep it that to myself. Just go to sleep. Good night everyone!

post-breakfast morning

I just come back from a breakfast in Hung Hung Inn. Well, I didn't get to eat roti canai as I planned, because the stall was closed. Indeed, all the stalls except one Chinese and one Malay stall are open.

Cai Shen Ye Kopitiam ( The name of the eating place, which means Money/ Luck God) sounds quiet, unlike the normal weekdays where every table is almost full especially during lunch hour.

Gosh, I almost forgot that I have to clerk patient today, for tomorrow BST with Prof Anam. I thought I have the weekend all to myself. Seems that I need to donate some hours to patients, talking and digging information from them.

It is almost 11am! Later 1.30 I have to walk to hospital. I better stop here and start doing my 1st CWU! bye..

Sunday Morning.

I am now forcing myself to make some notes on Peripheral Nerve Injuries. Indeed, I was on it since last night. It irritates me that my basic anatomy is damn lousy. And it irritates me more when I still forget despite having read about it thousand times!

Is it only me or everyone have the same problem? Arghhh!!!!

I have to force myself doing this. Cuz I dun wanna fail any posting, especially this one, the Orthopaedics. It is a Major Posting. Can't afford to lose it. I want to try my best graduating from medical school without any failures. Can I?

Well, actually I have failed once, and I still remember it. I failed the 1st quiz in the 1st posting. And It was preceded by another failure in TMX the Computer course. Of course, I was very frustrated. U know, it was the beginning of medical school, and I already failed! It rally made me doubt of my ability to continue! It taught me a good lesson though! Since then (but not for so long), I wake up early everyday to study!

The failure is indeed a blessing in disguise. After that, Thanx God, I never fail. And God, help me to maintain it. I may not be as smart as the best student in my batch, Michelle. She is so blessed with such a genius brain. But I believe nothing comes just like that, it must be accompanied by at least some effort. Yeah I am not like her. But I just want to make a record of myself.

"No major failure in medical school."


And there is another good reason for me to make notes. The exam is in the week just after CNY Holiday. For sure I am not gonna study during that precious day off! I have been missing my family so much already. Wanna spend this time wisely, i.e no book! I miss my cute lil bro and sis too. They are so cute that I just want to bite and chew their small faces! Haha.. And I plan not to bring my laptop as well. Just gonna bring the self-made note and read it (if i have the time).


Wooo....... SO cannot wait for CNY!!! So happy that I can eventually go back! But the holiday is too short, only 7 days! Damn it, I should have bought a ticket on Thursday instead of Friday, and I can add 1 more day to my happy CNY! Pity me huh?? People can have may be 2 weeks of holiday, but me? I have to rush back here to study for exam! Yeah, that is the sacrifices we medical students have made so others can live!


I have so many tasks to accomplish during the days off. I have to confirm the accommodation, who to ask for a renting car, what are the places in Sabah I can bring my Sakai friends (including me) from West Malaysia to, during our up coming elective posting in Keningau this end of March.

And not to forget my date with my lovely best friend Tay to have a Japanese Buffet. We have been drooling our saliva on it long long time ago. BUt we were so stingy to take out rm60 just for a dinner. It is like, when we want to take it out, mm.. I can buy so many other things with this 1 rm50 note, instead of this buffet i could go for rm20 steamboat in which I also can at myself to death, rm60? It can last me about half a month if I really tight on my budget. There we were, thinking, fighting, thinking again, the pros' and the cons'. At last, we decided for the steamboat buffet which cost us rm20 each, one third of the Japanese Buffet.

Haha.. Kesian betul!!

But this time people, we have decided, with our heart and soul.... That we, WEIZEN JUSTIN and TAY KWAN TENG, will go for JAPANESE BUFFET!!! Yeay!!!! I cant wait. The day I fly to KK, I will let (or rather force) myself in a temporary state of hunger munger, then eat like a (cute) piggy pig in the afternoon with Tay! Haha!! Yes yes yes!! Can't wait for it!!!

HahahaahHahahaHaha!! Thinking of it, just make me happy!! Hahah.......


It is 5.30. I am actually waiting for the time to reach 8.30. I guess Belinda is so fed up grounded in apartment 217 room B that she asked me last night to have a breakfast at Hung Hung Inn. And I want to see if this, another species of pig in room B, (the other pig is me) could wake up in time or not. :)

Sometimes, I really have no choice but to salute her. She really can sleep man! Fuyohh... I just can't. Cuz my body will never allow me to sleep very long, or else Headache!!

I have in mind already what to order later. Roti canai kosong, may be 2 pieces. Hehe.. with a glass of Teh Tarik. I hope the breakfast would boost my energy and interest up for the next hours of the day!

I can't wait to go to church in the afternoon. I want to sing and worship Him, whom I have left alone this week, though many times I promised not to. MM.. Y cant I be persistent in my decision?... Sorry God..

Seems like I have a pressure of thought this early Sunday Morning! MM.. gotta get going. May be should do some laundry now. Otherwise, it will be accumulated until another week passes.

Tata...

Pathetic me

I am feeding myself with Lee Fah Keropok. My fav Keropok. Hehe..

Well Weizen, go on! Keep it up! Eat, eat and keep on eating! Then later u gonna sleep with all the regrets of eating non-stop, like there is no tomorrow! And when U go swimming, wearing the swimming suit, let all people see how big and ugly ur tummy is Weizen! And deprived urself from all the nice dresses, beautiful clothes that other girls proudly wear!

No comment.

It is just hard to stop eating. The hunger never leave me even for a second.

I left my blog for days.. I just feel lazy to blog, despite having many stories to tell. If only my brain and my blog are connected, and whatever inside my mind could be transferred here directly, life would be way easy to me.

Why do I have to fight with this laziness all the time. Sometimes I lose, sometimes the luck backs me and I win. Why can't people just be hardworking, self-motivated naturally? Why there must be a need to be pushed, to be scolded, in order to get things done?

Well, I guess it is all depends on ourselves. How much forward we want to progress our lives to. How much effort we are willing to sweat out to make our lives richer. How much comfortable are we at the moment. May be we feel we are good now, nothing much need to be amended, we are just in our comfort zone, not willing to take the challenge to move forward!


MM.. by the way Weizen, what are u talking about now? I am confused.


Let alone be the laziness. I wanna share my feelings at the very moment.


I am missing someone. Last night I dreamt bout a very very big, huge ship. MM, why did I have such a dream? Is it because I am terribly missing someone across the sea now? May be. Dreams are all about what happen in my life.

Yeah, I am terribly missing someone. Someone whom will not know how much I miss him. It is very difficult to suppress feelings. Especially those which involve very much of intense emotions. MM.. My life always been like this. It is either I get myself jumped into the troubles, or the troubles find me. In either way I couldn't run, or I run.. could but find no exit.

I know I am such a weak emotions handler. I am always carried away by my own feelings. I grow the wrong feelings, and suppress the right ones. And u know, when the feelings grow big and bigger day by day, it also becomes violent and rage like a fire.

People say, jangan bermain dengan api, nanti dimakan api.

Well people.. It is always easier said than done. I couldn't reverse things that have been done. The only thing I could, and I should do is, to change the present and make a better future.

Again, cakap senang, tidak serupa bikin.


I need courage and the most important thing is a REASON to fight. At the moment I am lacking both. Weizen, what a weak species of Eve are you!


Whom should I turn to now? God? I always turn my back to Him, though He always there, faithfully waiting for me. Someone across the sea? He would never know about this. And why should he give a damn about it? Yeah.. It is very selfish to let him intervene. Let alone he seaman.

Arghh!! I just receive a sms saying, I Miss you, I really Do.

I am getting resistant to that kind of sms. Sometimes it upsets me to receive and read a SMS, saying just I miss you. And I am so upset now. So I am no gonna reply


I feel so bad for myself sometimes. Love and being loved by someone who is not even by my side. Not at least when I need love the most. All I get is, sms, sms, sms, sms, sms, sms, and calls.... For 2 years? Not forgetting the earlier years of long distance relationship. I am so confused. I almost forget, what LOVE is. How LOVE feels. The daily same sms, same conversation make everything seems so routine, nothing special anymore. That is what I feel most of the time. Girls get presents for their birthday, anniversaries. Me? I dun get anything. Even my 22nd birthday was forgotten. And our anniversary too... Pathetic huh?

I am not a materialistic girl. But sometimes, I feel, I have the right, I am deserved to be pampered by someone who claims to love me above all things. But what I get is totally opposite to what has been said. I need not to be pampered by gifts, by diamond, by shoppings. No, no, no, I dun need that....


What I need is the presence of love. Presence of love is more alive with urself being with me, by my side.

Yeah, I know.. U r not to be blamed. U r just trapped in a circumstances that do not allow u to do what u want. Sometimes, I wonder, why is God so cruel to u..

Being cruel to u, means Gos is cruel to me too.. Cuz what affect u affect me too.


I know, to question this, is not fair to u. Cuz u might want to question me the same. But what can I do, I am a girl. I am so long to be pampered. And U just can't, u just can't! It breaks my heart. Most of the time, I have the courage to avoid this kind of thinking. But sometimes I am just weak. I am weakened by the hunger of love inside me. And resist all the reasons not to think like that. Being a typical girl, I just couldn't resist my innermost nature of jealousy when I see other girls are happy being together with their loved ones. I feel so unfair. I feel u r such a selfish person to treat me like this. How long should I stand this?


I am so angry to see a friend in my facebook who always shouts a postout about her happy being with the bf. Why should I get angry? Because deep in my heart, I always long for someone who can be by my side, love me as if I am the last person left on earth. I am jealous, to be honest. It is so irritating to read her postout. I mean, yeah I know U have a doc-to-be bf, But can't u keep the fuck to urself? Why must u tell everyone in facebook, showing off that U r pretty and u r sl blessed to have a doc-to-be bf? Don't u know that there r may people out there like me, that are just not lucky as u r, left alone and lonely? And this girl always indirectly want people to know that she is pretty. Yeah, I know U have the face, But like I said, just keep the fuck to urself!!


Arghh, my mood is so not stable!!! I really need someone here to comfort me.


Well, Whatever I say now, makes no differences right.. It ain't gonna change the situation. I am still will be here, left by the love.

Good night people!

Should I go to sleep now? I didn't study much. Only read a lil bit bout Ewing's Sarcoma. MM.. Stil thinking bout the Sabahan patient that just diagnosed having this disease. I didn't know that it is very highly malignant until I read bout it.

MMM.... He said the doc told him the survival rate is about 80%. I hope so, cuz the book says only 60% of 5 year survival rate.

I hope that when I finally become a doctor one day, God will give me strength to break bad news to patient and the family. I hope I don't cry together with them! I am endowed with this very soft-heart. Whenever I see people on trouble, especially those who are poor, with terminal diseases, I feel sad for them. Sometimes my tears fall too.

I just dunno whether I would have the heart and courage to tell someone that there is no chance for him to live longer, that he should be prepared for it. Cuz if I am the family member, I too have no idea whether I could take it or not.

May be I have felt what a loss is. That is why telling another person that he is going to lose his life, or the family member that they are going to lose their beloved ones, the feelings of loss I once had come back again.

MM.. let alone be the breaking bad news for the time being. I am not yet a doctor. :)

Wanna sleep..

Hope I get a nice dream tonight. Last night, Dunno what weird dream I had. My dreams are never a rational ones. Always been the silly, rubbish dreams.

Can I dream a 6 digit number? I swear if I get that dream with big 6-digit numbers, I will call my brother to help me buy Jackpot, or I will buy it myself. Hoho..

If only life is as easy as hitting a jackpot. .

Anyhow, I am so thankful with whatever I have now. My family, my friends, the little money I have, the moment now, everything. .

No matter how much I complaint about the insufficiency of my life, I know there are people out there, far worse than what I could imagine what a poor life is.. And yet, they still can survive.

Thank you Lord.

Keinginanku

Kerinduanku....

B'rada dekat padamu, Tuhan...

Keinginanku...

Slalu senangkan hatiMu..

Tak pernahku bayangkan, hidupku tanpaMu..

Yang menjadi hasratku, menyanyikan pujian bagiMu

Aku menyembahMu, Yesusku, yang ada di takhta mulia..

Aku memujiMu dengan segenap hatiku..

Ku menyembahMu selalu

Tak ingin ku pergi menjauh darimu Yesusku...

Fire of Love

Drizzling still. Faculty is flooding!

I feel cold. Need a warm hug. I know I will not getting want I want now.

Instead of asking it from another human being. I want to ask from God.

God, embrace me with your love. Let your fire of love burn fiercely, destroy every little piece of evil inside me. . Keep me warm from your ever flowing love. Fill me, till i want no more. Keep your love burning Lord!

ok.. Study!!!!!

I love you God...

Duty

I am makaning my Jacob biscuit for my dinner. Diet? NoOO! The biscuits are just additional to my Fried Rice. :)

I spent whole day in the hospital. I am the first to reach and the last to go back.

I didn't clerk patient yesterday due to the o going rainy season. So I decided to go early to clerk them for BST preparation. I didn't clerk all my allocated patients, because today I am not in the mood of clerking. So i finished early, around 10am.

But when I was heading back to faculty, I turned back to Hung Hung Inn instead. It was drizzling since the morning, I didn't want to be trapped in the flood if I go back hostel. And my BST only started at 2.30. Meaning I have 4hours plus to hang around. No where else, so I had drinks in the Kedai Kopi Near Hung HUng Inn, ALONE. In order to pass the time, I ordered 2 drinks and finished it slowly. I ordered roti canai kosong too. Sigh no tosei......

Can someone bring me to eat Tosei?

Then when we finally finished BST. I had to wait for Dr. Wong who was at the time busy with his patient. What to do, I am the group leader, so I had to sacrifice my credits and some time to confirm every BST, hen tell every one in my group f there is any changes.

Well, I look this in a positive way. I never been a group leader. So why not this time? before I leave this Unimasku Yang Gemilang? I will have the experience. I pity those guys. They are always the one who become leader. MM.. girls are so passive, too dependent on the guys. Girls, Stand firm on our feet, we can also be the excellent leader!!!

MM... I am so upset with myself. I have read about the principle management of fracture. But when Prof Pan asked simple questions on indications of external fixator, I just couldn't answer it. It is like the same with those who don't read. Arghhhhhhhh!!!

Then today, There is a young Dusun man from Sabah referred to SGH due to Ewing's Sarcoma. I went to talk to him, though he is not my patient. Just being nice to my fellow Sabah friends. And I was looking for the Sabah Male nurses, but couldn't see them. Thought of just saying hi to them, but seems like they have changed the rotation, now they are in the female Ortho.

This Sabah patient in the Male ward is from Penampang. Pity him cuz I believe it is not easy for him and his family to come here, as he is not from a rich family. He is alone too. The father just went back after few weeks accompanying him here. Being alone in a remote place because of sickness, and with financial problems, is definitely no fun. He is undergoing Chemo, and he is now bold.

Seems not fair right? A person in addition to his financial problems, given such disease. While the rich people simply spending their parents money foolishly, have fun throughout their lives.

Well, I have been asking this questions many times, but I still have no answer. I guess this is out of our control. Only Gd knows why he chooses certain people to bear the heavy cross, and some are allowed to enjoy their lives.

May God look upon us, who are carrying our heavy cross on our shoulder, and offer His help so He could carry it with us. Amen.

Friend

Dear Friend,

U make me sad again.

Just feel that I haven't had enough.

Sigh, it began with unwelcoming conversation.

Instead of feeling happy that once again a friend showed up, It made me feel sad.

Then like a wind, it disappeared again, just nowhere to be seen.

Then I am left again. with questions unanswered.

I guessed this was exactly what a friend felt when the same thing happened to the friend.

I have to endure it no matter how painful, cuz I once did the same.


Truly,

Another friend, if You may.........

A Friend

It is 1.43 am.. and I am still awake!

I was actually sleeping, but couldn't get back to sleep after I went to toilet. I dunno why.

I am still thinking about my friend..

Mixed feelings..

relieved alternate with fear..

I need a spiritual help.

I feel my soul inside me is getting weaker. Cuz I dun feed her with spiritual food.

I am too much concern about the worldly affairs, and neglect the eternal ones.

Oh God...

Please come to me at once.......

I need u here.........


Open my heart, let my heart be alive again, cleanse my heart, chase out the hatred, let it be pure again...

So that I can hear ur call...

As u r pure.. and pure doesnt mix well with the dirty...

Change me God...

Renew ur servant Lord.......

Amen.

Swimming Day!!!

Yeay!

Today I am so happy that, for the first time in my 4years Uni life in Kuching, Finally I have stepped into BDC Swimming pool!!!

Thanx very much to Hashvina, for bringing me and Wama to swim. We always tumpang her car, especially in Community Posting in Sibu. Thanx Hash!!!

And.. I officially launched my purple swimming suit! Not bad, it didnt tear. My tummy is so big to wear that kind of sexy outfit. Luckily people can only saw that when I walked to the pool. When I jumped myself in, Well... who cares? not like they can see my cute tummy........ haha.......

Yes.. I was so down when I walked to the pool, but I regained the confidence once I was in the water! Haha...


NIce one.. Though I am not good in swimming.. Can't even float myself properly. I was so bersemangat wearing swimming suit, and wear my goggle too!! Even Wama who can swim 100times better than me also doesnt need goggle to swim.

And so sad...... I was the only one swam in the shallow area, which is actually for children. Wama and Hash went to the deep side, the part that I cant even step my feet.


Dun wanna take any risk. I love my life. I havent got married yet.


Hehe...


By the way, when we was done swimming, and was on the way for makan, I passed by my friend's house in BDC. And Hijau, where we used to have dinner there.


MMMM...... Sad, heart-aching, thinking of that friend....


Didnt hear from that friend this few days already..


MMmmmmmmmmmm............. If only U know..........................................

A nice day

Today I have done a great thing! I for the rare time, have knocked down my greatest enemy, the Lazy Me, and went to hospital to interview patient in Orthopaedic Ward.

Guess what?

I was the only Medical student there. Although I was blurr, lost-looking, But I managed to clerk 2 cases, Which makes me so happy!

1. L4 L5 Spondylolithesis
   
2. Mid-shaft femoral fracture

I find learning through patient is the best way to stick the knowledge to my brain. I get to ask and korek the symptoms myself from the patient, listening to their story and facial expressions while describing the pain, really helpful!

And I begin to have interest in Orthopaedics. Unbelievable!! Haha..

MM.. still too early to say. But I guess the hardworking and energetic beginning of Ortho plays an important part in my enthusiasm. Plus, most of the lecturers, except Prof ANam & Hatta, are all very nice and good in lecturing. Especially Dr. Chan, I think it is his class that I can pay about 60-70% attention (although after that, the attention lost somehow through radiation to the environment). But still, although Prof Anam lecture not as fun as the others, It is considered good la. Cuz no matter how, he doesnt lecture me to sleep. Same goes to Prof Hatta's, people said his lectures are rubbish, but I found it still helpful, considering his helping Mnemonic for Salte & Harris Classification of Fracture. And not to mention that I am my group leader, so whether I like it or not, I have to take an active part in learning process throughout this posting. Hehe...

Hope my energy is not just a Hot Hot Chicken Shit...


I joined the ward round for a while. Though I didnt get much, actually ZERO, but it is good to see how the ward round is done, and to prepare myself mentally and physically cuz it is exactly how hustle and bustle my life would be when I am a HO a year later. (Hopefuly I will graduate without failure).

Hope my body can bear the stress!! I can do anything as long as the headache is always a meter away from me. I dun really worry bout the mental stress, cuz as time goes by we will adapt to it, I believe.


I was like a timid rat following a bigger rat during the ward round. I only dare to stand at the back, made sure that I didnt block the way in that busy morning!


A HO was asked by an Ortho Specialist what is the signs of infection, to be exact, the signs of inflammation, seemed like he has forgotten his basic sciences. But I dunno whether he manage to answer or not at the end.

Scaryyyyy............... HO life..... Gotta prepare myself with all the knowledge!


I noticed there are many Sabahan Medical Assistant Student, or are they the male nurses? I dunno.

BUt I can catch the Sabahan Slang the moment they speak! Haha... It is so easy to recognised their thick Sabah accent! Same with me. I just couldn't get rid of the accent. But I think mine is not as bad as those MA students just now. Haha..

Well, I am PROUD TO BE A SABAHAN!!! I am PROUD TO BE A DUSUN!!! That is and always be my identity.


So dun like it, when people thought I am a CHinese. It is not that I am an anti-chinese. But why cant they detect my Dusun gene though my phsical appearance... I am so sad.. I want them to know me as the ethnic Dusun, not the major race CHinese. Though I have Chinese blood...Haha!!


I wanted to greet the Sabahan MA student in the ward. But they looked busy. I feel like I am so sombong to my own Sabahan friends here. I dun really mix with them. Or even say hi to them. I am glad to know I have Sabahan friends, But u know la.. I am usually not the one who starts the conversation. Hehe..


Next time ok? Say, next week when I go to the ward, I promise will greet and say hi to them ok?? hehe... ANd make good friends with them...


3.30pm later, I have CPC to attend. Not interested, but I have to go. Sigh.......

Sad.

I am sad.....

mmmmmmmmmm...........

Tuesday!

I wake up early today! Yeay!

I rather wake up early than to sleep like pig, and eventually end up getting headache the whole day.

I am still not well. I dunno whether I can take in food yet or not. I am so scared of the nausea feelings. So I decided not to eat yet. But I did take 2pieces of bread. Just to feed my stomach, before it gets upset and produce acid and commit suicide.

It is 10min to 5am now. It was drizzling out there.

I am in the living room of my apartment, reading anatomy of the knee joint.

Wanna take a rest for a while. 80% of the knee anotomy I have forgotten. I was so lazy to read the long text of its descriptions. The lecture by Prof. Maung Maung Nyo also doesn't help much.


Last night, I had a weird dream. Does it indicate something.

I was in an isolated place, which was covered all over by sand. I was all alone in that very wide area. I didnt get scared, but I just walked, walked aimlessly. Then suddenly I realized that the ground that I was stepping on was full with deep holes, very very deep wide holes, and it was very dark inside. The holes were scattered everywhere.

I walked, walked, until a point when I realized that the place where I landed my feet was just a wall-thinned ground, jus enough to fit my soles.I was standing in between 2 big holes!

I was so scared and frightened when I look down and saw how deep was the hole.

I wanted to go out of there. I was about to jump. Ready! 1, 2, 3............. and jump!

And all of a sudden.......


My right foot didnt land on the other edge. It was so near and yet so far. And I fell............


That was all about my dream....




My mind is disturbed a little bit.


MMMM...........


Feel so alone. ALways been like this.


It is very hard to find someone who can share problems with us There and Then.


It is very hard to find a shoulder to lean on.


Gotta stay strong. Gotta be independent.


Am I destined to be like this?


Wanna run but I am tightly tied. Sometimes the rope gets loosen, allowing me to get off. But somehow I hesitate to run. At the end, I choose to stay.


And the same viscous cycle of self-conflict happens, again and again.


Until someday, when I have the courage, with God's will, God's love, I will fly.


Alone, or not, As long as God's love is with me, nothing shall stop me.


In fact, what is lacking now is God's love. It is there, just that I couldn't see it, feel it.

Stubborn Me!

Why am I so stubborn.


Is it a defense mechanism or a reflex or just an act of ego?


No matter how much chaos the self-conflict is, I always choose to hurt. Not meant to, never, but as a result of the final decision.


And at the end, I am hurt too.


Whatever.


Cuz if I do the other way round. Things might get worse.


I am so delusional.


ARghh. Need someone strong to drag me out of this chaos.

nausea

I am feeling not well these few days. My abdomen feel bloated. I keep on blurping. I am nauseated. Whenever i drink or eat, I will burp and feel like to vomit. But I cant vomit anything, just the feelings.


I am hungry... But cant take in heavy food. I don't like the nausea feelings.


Last night, something unexpected happened. Something that I was waiting for. My postout in YM "No response. Numbnes". I had been put out that postout for quite a long time. But I just feel that I was waiting in vain. And so what if what I waited come? So I decided to delete it.


But few days after that, It really happened.


It did' start off very smooth. I didnt really expect the reaction.


But I am at fault. Kinda selfish, Indeed very selfish. My intellectual mind sometimes just couldn't pace with my soft heart. The reasoning of the mind was just too strong that the heart could convinced it.


They were in fight then.


mm.. No matter what, I am thankful it didn't end up just like that. Otherwise, I will lose another pal.

RM85

That is the amount I have spent tonight, for groceries.

Things are getting expensive man...

Sedih, Petronas pun teda naik naik. Boring.

Ai.. I just read the news about another church has been attacked today, make a total of 7 churches attacks. And this latest arson attack happened in Miri.

What? This is also happens in Sarawak??? I cant believe it!!

I thought no matter how worse thing goes, Sabah and Sarawak will be still safe. And now? Gosh!!!

What are these people trying to convey by throwing hand-made bom to the churches? That they are powerful? they are intelligent in making bom?

To me, you are showing your infinite stupidity. Yeah, that is all you can afford to do when the rest don't listan to you? You use violence, to show how powerful you are, and make all of us kneel and bow to you.

Luckily so far no one has injured.

I really never imagined thisthing can happen in my country Malaysia when we are all just convinced by PM Najib of One Malaysia.

One Malaysia? It has never been 1Malaysia, if things like this still going on.

MM.. I hope Christians everywhere i the country will stay strong, and united at this time of temptation. ANd never act the same like they do.

We are always taught to forgive our enemy.

Because when our enemy slap our cheek, then give him another cheek.

And I just hope that this will be the courage-st act they would do. Cuz if they have more courage, I don'y doubt that these people would also go to a public place, or when the Christians are attending mass, bomb themselves and kill the rest.

I really hope this nightmare wont come true.

May God give wisdom to these people, open their heart.

Amen.

There goes my Sunday

I just done my laundry, swept & mopped the room. Now I am resting while waiting for the time to come for Mass.

There is still another basket of washed clothes in the washing machine to hang to dry.
Yeay, I just changed my bedsheet. Tonight I can sleep with a clean bed sheet and a clean room. I hope the cleanliness can last for at least a week. So I can enjoy feeling at home for a little while before I have to do the same old cleaning routine again.

I had my left-over last night dinner Fried Kuew Tiau for my breakfast this morning. Until now, I havent eaten any heavy meal, not even lunch, except junk foods. Hehe.. But still, my tummy feels big. I really hope it can shrink down, even just a little bit. Because I really don't need those fats in my tummy.

I was frustrated yesterday, because my plan to Sarawak Cultural Village was spoilt by a brief meeting with Dr. Shamsir regarding our coming elective programme. We thought that it was very important, so we dared not to escape. But it turned out that it only took about less than a half hour. It was just a simple briefing, which doesn't really concern us whom will do the elective posting locally.


Arghh... Missed the only chance to visit the SCV with only rm15 entrance fee!!!

Got a terrible headache yesterday because of oversleeping. Why oh why my body is so sensitive to the derangement of my biological clock? Cant sleep too little or sleep too long, or else, headache will hunt me throughout the day!

And now I am getting resistant to PCM. Usually 2tablets will knock the headache off. But this time, even 2 tablets plus sleep couldn't get rid of it. Now it seems that I need at last 4tablets, which also doesnt work occasionally.

Belinda asked me to take aspirin. MM.. Should I? It is a NSAID. Sure it has many more side effects than PCM. MM.. guess for the time being I just say NO to aspirin.


Yeay, after church, we will have girls outing again. Me, Belinda and the driver Hashvina. Hehe..
No really a girl outing, just that we need to get our groceries in Bouleveard. My foods are running out of stock sooner or later.


Arghh.. Thinking how much will I spend again later in Boulevard. I have got a lot of things to buy. And actually I already did my groceries shopping yesterday evening in 100%. Guess what? I spent rm85 just for food!!!

ANd yet, there are still many things to get!

Hope there will be weekend sales there so I can save money, even just a little. Can save RM1 considered very good to me. Because you dunno how much RM1 means to me. Like I always say, I am not from a rich family. My parents didn't silver-spooned me. I have been independent since I was in my secondary school.

Talking about my life, I've got a lot to say, but I just have no time for that now. May be next time. hehe..

Gotta go now!!! Huhuhu.. Sunday will end soon....

Flammable Issue

Good Morning everybody! It is Sunday morning! I am up early today. Can't believe it huh? Yeah.. It is real early to see me not on the bed this time during weekend like this.

Mmm.. I have abondoned my beloved blog for days. I have so may things to blog about. You know, there are so many issues being raised lately. All the silly issues.

Let me start from events that happen in our country and narrow down to what happened recently in my Uni.

1. ALLAH issue

This year shows that 2010 doesn't start off pretty good. There are many sensitive religious and racial issues have been brought up.

5days after the Christians merrily celebrated The Savior's birthday, Christians in Malaysia, especially those in Sabah and Sarawak were given a long waited good news that we are now officially and legally allowed to use the word ALLAH in our praise & worship.

I can't really recall when was exactly this issue first being raised up. I guess few years back when the Minister of Home Ministry then stopped the publication of Catholic Herald's Magazine because of the usage of word " ALLAH".

The catholics have been figting for their right to use the word since then, and finally few hours just before 2009 closed its curtains, the Catholics rejoiced as the High Court gave them her green to use ALLAH in their bulletin.

Well, the good news didnt last very long though, when few days after the approval, Dr. M, the UMNO politicians, Muslim NGOs and many other Muslim Associations or individual Muslim objected the final decision by High Court.

Basically their point of argument are that they scared that the ALLAH usage will confused the fellow muslims in this country, that the ALLAH word is so sacred and holy that it can only be used and restricted to Muslims..

Well, I believe not all Muslims think that way. Only those with lack of historical facts, emotional, and live in fear of others converting their people to other religions would think so. ESpecily those who are from West Malaysia. Because these people just live among themselves, never stepped their feet to Sabah and Sarawak, see how we here with a multiracial backgrounds, multi-religions identitties can live in harmony and tolerate each other well.

Non-muslims in Sabah Sarawak have been using this ALLAH word even before we were united with the West to form Malaysia. And there have not been a fuss here about the word ALLAH. Only recently a group of people in the West who suddenly got enlightenment from dunno where, realize that ei, I thought that when we say ALLAH, it means the God of Islam. Why the non Muslim also use ALLAH? Why only now they use ALLAH? Nie mesti ada niat buruk nie. Ini tak bole jadi nie, kena ban nie.

They are the one who started this mess and poison the mind of the rest of Muslims, make them think that only Muslims have the every right to use ALLAH.

Well, To those who raise this issue up. If you scare that confusion will hunt your people after allowing the usage in non-muslims, why don't you educate your people and strengthen their faith, instead of banning the rest from using it?

MMM, are the muslims particularly those in Malaysia very weak in their faith, deficient in their knowledge to differentiate ALLAH in Christian, ALLAH in Sikh & ALLAH in Islam? The argument they made seems to claim it that way. I have came across comments from our fellow muslims friends in their blogs and in the internet, some of them are very pissed off with this bunch of people especially the politicians and the media who purposely splash some oil to heat up this issue. Some of them also find banning the Non-muslims, not only the Christians, from using the word ALLAH, portrays that Muslim are easily confused, just by a word. Because they think that this act of banning indirectly shows the muslims are fragile in faith and are easily confused.And they don't see why the word should be restricted only to Muslims.

Well, in issues like this, everyone has their says, some sounds very rational, and some are just bullshiting around.

Well, from my point of view, the word should not be restricted to Muslims only. I don't say this just because I am a Catholic. But I say it from my knowledge, facts and history bout the word ALLAH.

When I see the arguments of those who back the ALLAH usage for everyone. I can see the points. They have facts from the History. Not only the Christians, but also some of our fellow Muslims find this issue ridiculous.

How could A ban B and C from using the word ALLAH when B and C have been using the word long long long before A come into existence? Not only Christians, but the Sikh also use the word ALLAH in reference to their God. Just because the intepretation of ALLAH in Islam is different from the Non-Islam, they could ban the rest from using the word, in fear of by using the word, the meaning of ALLAH is Islam would be confused by the Muslims?

Muslims in this country have been blessed and given so many privileges and priorities in practising their faith. Pendidikan Islam has been in our curriculum since the Malaysia gained its independence. Whereas, the students of other religions are thrown into one group and take the common subject Pendidikan Moral, instead of our own religion subject. And I don't see people from other religion, like the Sikh and the Christians confused by the word ALLAH. Why they with all the religious lessons given to them everywhere, in school (from primary to tertiary and higher education level), broadcast-ed in television programmes like Al-Kulliyah, and so many others still could be confused easily by the word ALLAH?

Even the Islamic countries like Arab, Indonesia don't make a fuss about this issue. They don't ban the Non-muslims from using the word. Because it is clearly from the history, that the ALLAH word predates Islam and it has been used by the Non-muslims long before the Muslims use it.

Why in a multi-racial country like Malaysia, who just busy promoting One Malaysia, all of a sudden after 50 years of independence , ban the rest from using the word ALLAH?

The Muslims who object the word ALLAH being universal to everyone, talk about the sensitivity of the Muslims when they argue about this. They said don't raise the anger among Muslims, don't violate the rights of Islam being the official religion in Malaysia, that Islam is protected under the Perlembagaaan Persekutuan, that no one in this country has the right to question it.

Well, to people who raised the Muslim sensitivity, all the while when you argue this issue, have you ever thought about there are people who are not Islam also listening to your arguments? When you busy talking about muslims sensitivity, where the Sensitivity of the rest gone when you allow your mouth to speak before your brain? Do you think that only the Muslims in this country has feelings? The rest don't? Oh spare me God!

Have you ever considered it just for a few seconds when you accused us the Christians have HIDDEN AGENDA by using the word, that we are christianizing and spread christianity to the Muslims in this country by using the word ALLAH?

Gosh.. I was taken aback, feel so hurt when I first read the news. Goodness.. Yeah I know we are in the midst of serious arguments. But accusing others to defend yourselves, so you can win??? I just cant take it. I am so sad that there are actually a bunch of people who think that way. Gosh.. We use ALLAH merely to refer our ALmighty God in our own praise and worship. How could you even said those thing to us?

You are such a loser that in order to win, you attack people instead of defensing yourselves. Not to mention the ugly incidents 2 days ago when 4 churches have been burnt, damaged by home-made petrol bom. They also damaged the cars and other properties that showed signs of Christianity. There are also sms spread around that we Christians better take all the rosary, cross or any things that tell we are christians, off from our belongings and properties. Or else, they will damage it. Could you imagine, after 50 years of independece, there are people out there still with a 3rd world mentality? I just couldn't imagine it.

I am not talking bad about all Muslims. Because I strongly believe most of the Muslims in our country don't believe in violence. It is just that these stupid idiot who (dare) to call themselves Muslim hold on firmly and resort to violence when they can't achieve what they want. They are using the Jihad as an excuse to hurt others. It is people like them who tarnish the good image of Islam.

I have many good nice muslims friends. I just hate it when this kind of issue being brought up, it could easily spoil the good relationship among the Muslims and the Nons.

I just hope that this issue can be settled as soon as possible. A win-win resolutions to both parties.

I think I should give this issue a rest, and let the wise speaks and make a wise decision for all.

Ermm, a long winding opinion about this. It takes all my energy out that now I am too tired to talk about other thingss..

Got to have some rest first. Headache is still her looking for opportunity to attack me.

Enjoy your Sunday weekend people!!!

Doing Sit-ups

Just finished second round of 30times sit-ups.

Remember I said that I am now in a battle with my best friend Tay, to see who can lose weight to our target kg?

Hahahaha..

Tay, I am on my way to claim my victory!

I just want to see if there is any effects after sitting-up for 1 month without failure. Can my tummy circumference really reduce?

I just don't think so. Today is my 6th day doing sit-ups. I do one round in the morning after waking up, then another before I sleep. Each round consists of 30times sit-ups. So far, I didn't feel any difference. My tummy still with proud, buldging out.

If you see from the side, my waist just after my chest is actually quite small, but getting big and bigger as it goes down. Most prominent at the suprapubic area. It is all fat... DIgusting fat..

I strongly believe that those fats are situp-resistant fats. It can only be removed by experts who actually use machine, massage, spa, to make the fats molecule smaller so that it could be used as energy more effectively. That is basically what the slimming center offers.

I wish one day when I have earned money, enough to have an extra expenses, I would go to one of the slimming centers. Lay back, pamper myself with their slimming massage, warm refreshing spa. The target area of fat-removing are my flabby arms and my buldging tummy. Only these two areas. Other areas, I don't want to disturb.

:)

If there is service where we can actually add extra fat to some part of body, I also want.
I want to add some pads to my flat butt so I can sit comfortably, like sitting on a dunlop pillow. Haha..

Well, I am just like those girls right? Yeah, I think I should become more and more like them. Haha..

Millions of whine & Complaints

I just finished OSCE, one part of my Ear, Nose, and Throat examination, will be continued again tomorrow, after which I will temporarily for 72hours free like a bird.

Once the time is up, I will be locked up again in a new world of Orthopedics.

It is not about examzzz that I want to talk about.

Just want to express my feelings, again.

Again, I feel sad. Actually I feel lonely more. Yeah, LONELY is the best word to describe what I feel now.

I need love.

Need Tatayoung.

Miss Tatayoung.

Sometimes, I feel that God is cruel to me. Why does He like to see me lonely?

God is very powerful. He does everything he likes.

I wonder, If God has set everything long before it happpens, why would He bother to create us?

Is not that whatever he plans will come true? Then why bother to create us just to carry his plan out?

He wants to prove that He is The Almighty?

He wants to show to us that He is capable of doing everything?

Oh God, why do you choose me? To do something that will hurt me?

Well, God.. I dun mind to carry things our for you, I really don't mind. All I want is your love, to walk with me while the day turns dark.


BUt where are you when I need you?

Why do you prefer to be a silent Creator? A creator that far from his creations, controlling them from a very far distance.

MMM.. this is just one of my millions whine and complaints...

Show me the way Lord.

Weddings...

Recently, when I browse through the newly updated photos in Facebook, I see many picture of weddings.

Many of my friends wedded already. I am so happy ( and envy) for them.

Time flies. I feel like I was just 16 yesterday. and this year I am gonna be 23years old.

Time, could you stop? I want to finish my study, working as a houseman, become a specialist all during my 23 years old. Could I?

I think everyone has the same dream. We want to grow old and become more mature in experience, knowledge, spiritual. But physically? No, we don't want to grow old physically.

Because growing old physically makes us uglier. Our skin lose its elasticity, the collagen starts to degenarate, our body function erroneously day by day.

When it loses its capability to serve us at its best, disease start to come one by one.

Then, suddenly, the time when our world job has finished comes, and a new eternal job in another world starts.

MMM............

I don't want to reach that time yet.

I also want to get married!!!

HEHE...

Well, i don't know when is my turn to post out my wedding pictures.

I hope soon!!!

I want to be with my love, my only love.

To spend the rest of my time and his together.

The two become one.

I don't want other man. I don't give a damn about them.

I just want my man.

LIbrarying

Good Morning Unimas (yang ngok)!!!

Today, I again overslept. I set my alarm at 4am. When it rang, I turned it off subconsciously. When I woke up, it was already 6am!!! That 2hours I should have spent in studying ENT, besok exam la Weizen!!!


Therefore, this morning I am gonna give myself a punishment. I will go to library at 8am (20min more), make myself study, study, study, study until at least 10 or 11am.

I find studying in library gives me many advantages. Let me tell u some.

1. No distraction from food
~indeed this is one of the best way to keep diet for people like me who cant stop thinking about what food is there in the fridge to eat while studying.


2. It is "air-con"ed library
~ also good for people like me who is currently sharing a small room with another 2 persons. Obviously it is not a good study environment


3. Can read Newspaper manually, instead of reading it online
~cuz if i do, I for sure will be deviated from the initial intention of reading news, to facebooking,
reading emails, or just simple surf some websites.

But there is advantage too,

1. Instead of losing food distraction, I have a new distraction-people walking, passing by my table


2. Boring la sitting on my butt for hours
~ my butt lacks of dunlop pillow cushion. Not nice sitting for a very long period. It makes my butt even more flat.

Take a break, take a kit kat

I feel tire. I have still a lot more to read for my coming ENT exam.

At moment like this, how I wish I could get a body massage reward after each topic I finish. Sure the massage will refresh my body, stimulate my mind to absorb more knowledge about Ear, Nose, and throat.

I am so thankful that I have these organs, each functions at its best. But hey, to read it? There is way to much to be read.

My brain gets saturated after 20min of reading, after which I need to "take a break, take a kit kat". Yet I couldn't waste so much time resting.

I did so badly in the Quiz this afternoon. If that is how the questions like, with this kind of preparation I have, I will sure fail. Safra who sat next to me seemed to do very well. So, I peeped at her answer, then turned to Hashvina's answer, copy them onto my answer sheet. Who cares? Prof Ba is so good that I believe he will spare this 5% to us F.O.C.

Hahahahaahahaha...
(Yeah , I still can laugh like evil. Please check on me when the result is out by the next few weeks, see whether I still can laugh or not)

Yeay, after this exam, I could at least free myself from all the stress and pressure by a trip to Sarawak Cultural Village.


Sarawak Cultural What Weizen?! U never been to SCV for the 4 years u have been in Kuching?!!!!


Hell yeah!!!

The entrance fee is very expensive la. And I am thankful that I am patient enough to wait. See, now I just have to pay RM20 instead of the usual RM60-80 entrance fee! And that will cover my transport and meal too! Is not that worth it? :D

Neslo

A cup of Nesclo before I kick ENT revision off tonight.

A Friend Who Has Gone Back to His Master

Today, I lost a friend.

A friend who was once always sat at the row behind me in the class. Though we were not very close, but his personality showed that he was a kind friend. Sometimes he used to kacau me during short break after lecture,made jokes. Yes, he was nice.

It was a shock to know that he actually suffered from leukaemia when we was year 3 in Sibu. That was the reason he dropped year 3, to undergo treatment, with the hope that he could join the next year 3 batch.

We plan, but God decides. God decides that he is better off this world, to continue to serve Him in another better place.

I am still sad to know this news. Feel a little bit regret of never asking his conditions, or care for him when he was sick.

Time waits for no men.

May God the Almighty bless his soul. May he rests in peace.

early morning awakening

While you all are still sleeping, wondering around the dreamland, snoring with your chest moving synchronously in rhythm with your breathing, and with the saliva flowing out through a small opening at the corner of your mouth....


I AM HERE AWAKE TO STUDY FOR ENT QUIZ!!!

slimmer?

I am at the moment chatting with my best friend, Kwan Teng, instead of studying for Quiz tomorrow.

I buzzed her to talk about our junior back in St. Anne,whom now growing so pretty, compare to last time. I could hardly noticed her.

Now? Fuyyooo.. She joined the small Miss Pageant, wore bikini some more!!! Fuyoo..

This gives me a motivation to become as slim as her!!!

Her waist is so small!!! I could grab her waist from my right little finger to my left's around it!


I want, I want!!! To be like her too!!!


ok, ok!! Diet Diet! Haha..



MM, start tomorrow ok??? hehehehe...

Unresolved conflict

I have learned in Psychiatry Posting that whatever unresolved conflicts tend to be "forgotten" and thrown deep away from our conscious mind. This makes up our subconscious mind.

It is so-called the "human natural defense mechanism", in which instead of dealing with it, we try to "forget" all the hurtful memory, the ugly experience, the unforgiveness, the hatress, the dissapointment, the despair... and the loss.

The reason of such mechanism, whether you realize it or not, is to protect ourselves, psychologically from those unwanted feelings. By "forgeting" it, the wound tend to be lesser.

But we know, by doing that, we do no more, than cheating ourselves.

We AVOID to face the problem. We are AFRAID to deal with them. Because they are just too scary to face with.

I know, I understand. Because my heart, without the consent of my mind, is allowing the mechanism to take place.


There are some experience that if i were given a chance, I would prefer not to have it, not even to think about it.

But sometimes, things are just out of our control. God knows His creation better. No one is wiser than the Creator.

He knows when to give. And sure enough, He knows when to take it back too.

Whenever it crosses my mind, or seeing things that remind me of it, I will re-experience the despair, the loss, once again. Not to feel better, but worse.

There Is just no way that I could deal with it appropriately. The emotions involved is just too powerful that the wise mind can't overcome it.

I still can't let it go. Though it has been 7 years after the loss.

The loss that I feel, never getting lesser, but stronger.

I am just missing her very much.

I feel that my threshold in pretending that it was all over, is getting lower and lower each day. I am easily reminded of it now.

Especially when I am all alone.

If an Angel is to grant me a wish, I would tell the Angel, " Dear Angel, could you bring me to meet my Master?"

I want to ask Him, not in a rude way, but with a sorrowful, lowly and a humble heart, "Why did you take her when I was not ready?"

Well, of course, I am well aware that, with this little faith and doubtful heart of mine, I would not have the chance.

There are questions that will never be answered.

I know.

Anyone care to...

Hug me?

I feel very cold.

I guess none...

Sad........................

A new year's resolution!

Is to lose weight! Haha.. This ain't just a resolution, but also a race between me and my best friend, Tay Kwan Teng!

She is just like every other girls, so crazy in losing weight.

I wonder why don't I have the same thought?

Why is there a need to lose so much weight. I have seen many of my girl friends, who are already slimmer than I am, keep complaining that they are fat, and never stop in keeping on a strict diet.

I guess they want to look great in their clothes.

Slim girls don't need to think twice to wear a dress, sleeveless, one-string tops.

Me?

I also don't think twice, cuz i know I AM NOT GONNA WEAR THOSE.... sad..

I have a big flabby arms, and the most scariest thing on earth is my slimming-resistant tummy.

I tell u, i am among those girls who have a very very very big tummy.

That is why u never see me wearing dress, or tops that are very fit.

and you seldom see me wearing sleeveless because of my flabby arms.

I just don't have the motivation to lose weight.

I just don't understand.

Is not there any guy that like a girl, without putting so much attention to their physical appearance?

Why must they like only slim, big breast, big butt girls?

I guess that is why no man likes me....


Sad........................................... Sad..................................... Sad.............................


Well, I don;t give it a damn.

If u don't lke me just because how I look, then you are the most unworthy man on earth to deserve me!

It Is The First Day of Another New year!

Yeay, it is new year again.

Actually, I am not that eager or excited for the countdown. I was sleeping when people were busy counting the seconds. Neither did I eager to watch the fire crackers.

I celebrate new year in a solitary.

So glad to know others celebrating the new year with their loved ones..

So nice to know my friends were partying to welcome the new year.

And ME?

I was so envy, that I was all alone in my room.

No one to celebrate with.

Tatayoung wasnt beside me.

My family is an ocean far.

Felt very down last night, and what happened after that i wont elaborate here.

Just enough to say that I hoped Tatayoung was with me.

Now? I am waiting for Aunt Zaima to pick me up. She wants to bring me jalan2.

Hope there is something out there that will cheer me up!