Unresolved conflict

I have learned in Psychiatry Posting that whatever unresolved conflicts tend to be "forgotten" and thrown deep away from our conscious mind. This makes up our subconscious mind.

It is so-called the "human natural defense mechanism", in which instead of dealing with it, we try to "forget" all the hurtful memory, the ugly experience, the unforgiveness, the hatress, the dissapointment, the despair... and the loss.

The reason of such mechanism, whether you realize it or not, is to protect ourselves, psychologically from those unwanted feelings. By "forgeting" it, the wound tend to be lesser.

But we know, by doing that, we do no more, than cheating ourselves.

We AVOID to face the problem. We are AFRAID to deal with them. Because they are just too scary to face with.

I know, I understand. Because my heart, without the consent of my mind, is allowing the mechanism to take place.


There are some experience that if i were given a chance, I would prefer not to have it, not even to think about it.

But sometimes, things are just out of our control. God knows His creation better. No one is wiser than the Creator.

He knows when to give. And sure enough, He knows when to take it back too.

Whenever it crosses my mind, or seeing things that remind me of it, I will re-experience the despair, the loss, once again. Not to feel better, but worse.

There Is just no way that I could deal with it appropriately. The emotions involved is just too powerful that the wise mind can't overcome it.

I still can't let it go. Though it has been 7 years after the loss.

The loss that I feel, never getting lesser, but stronger.

I am just missing her very much.

I feel that my threshold in pretending that it was all over, is getting lower and lower each day. I am easily reminded of it now.

Especially when I am all alone.

If an Angel is to grant me a wish, I would tell the Angel, " Dear Angel, could you bring me to meet my Master?"

I want to ask Him, not in a rude way, but with a sorrowful, lowly and a humble heart, "Why did you take her when I was not ready?"

Well, of course, I am well aware that, with this little faith and doubtful heart of mine, I would not have the chance.

There are questions that will never be answered.

I know.