Honest & Trust

Psychiatry and ENT results have came out. I passed, everyone passed. I should be happy right? Yeah I am happy because no1 fails. Sometimes, if there is failure, and it is not ours, we are happy, but to know that the failure is our friend's, we feel sad. Failure might means one would left behind, and the rest move on. And I dun want to see any of my friend, though some may irritate me sometimes, to be left 1year behind.

But I am not so happy. 2reasons.

First, though I passed, but I didn't score well. I only get B for Psy and B+ for ENT. I am not really disappointed with my ENT, but my Psy. Why can't I get B+. Getting B is like so borderline with B-, which is not good. But anyhow, I am glad I passed.

Second, I am sad that I told the truth. Now I feel like I am losing a friend. Yeah, Honesty is the best policy, which is always my principle. But the result of being honest sometimes makes me doubt, shouldn't I just keep it a shut..

I dun wanna regret of being honest. Now, I just want God to help me to surrender NREJ and all my beloved.

Sometimes, mmmm... No, No.. All the time, I am taking so much control of myself. I am not willing to let go. I want to control what I get, who I get, how I get. I am so much afraid of giving them up to God, because of my little faith in HIM. I refused to trust him, to believe that in His hands, He can handle my properties better than anyone on earth could.

I am so much afraid that if I let Him handle my owns, He would handle it in a way that different from mine.

I am so much afraid that If I surrender them to Him, He will never give the back to me. Just how He took my mother away, even without my permission.

May be the trauma that I had few years ago now become the barrier between me and God. I just lose my trust on Him.

But deep in my heart, I always ask Him to restore my faith and my trust in Him. Because I really can't handle too much stress in my life. My burden is very heavy that I fall so many times, and bleed my knees. I guess it is how He keeps on falling because of the Sins that he carried for us. The load that he once carried is far heavier than mine. And I pray that He could walk with me, carry the burden with me, as He has promised me.

Lord, help me to surrender those that I love so much in this world to You. Give me the courage to present them to You. As I am tired Lord, tired, Lord, to take control every single things in my life. I just want a rest...

ANd help me to trust that everything will always be good in Your hand.

Lord, take Lord.. Take everything in my life, every single breath I breathe, every single soul I love, Every single cent I have, every success that I have achieved.. Take Lord, take all of them.. Leave nothing for me, except you MAJESTY LOVE.

Just your love Lord.. And it is sufficient enough for me...