Death

I saw another death today. An event that if given a choice, I would never choose to see, or even come near to it. But what can I do? My life, my future career, my responsibility are all related to it.

I stopped by the mortuary after my class in the Orhopaedics Ward finished to see any post mortem for that late afternoon. If it is not for the sake of getting marks for case write-up, I would not step my feet into the mortuary. I hope this would be the last.

The case was of a road traffic accidents case, that took the deceased life right at the scene.

The post mortem was done in just half an hour time. Severe head injury was the cause of death. We could see the temporal bone was fractured into several pieces, and affected the brain.

Seeing people die really makes me feel bad. But it is not as bad as to see the family reactions when they come to collect the body. It is very heart-aching.. I feel sorry for them.. Though I don't know them, my heart hurts for them. So far, those that I have seen, as they were brought in to identify the body, then to the doctor in-charge and informed about the most likely cause of death of their beloved, they either cried disbelievingly that their loved ones had gone. Or numbed with shock, not a sad face, just expressionless, no words uttered out, just keep their face down, and nodding their head as the doctor told them. What inside their heart and mind? I dunno.

But for sure, that is just an initial reaction. Sad, unbelievable, angry.. All will come and haunt them, before they finally can live with the reality.

Sometimes I wonder.. Does God tell people about their death the last moments they spend on earth? We often heard bout those who acted strangely few days before they died. Some seem to know that they would leave the world soon, and bid farewell to their beloved in many weird ways. Some leave last note, some did things that they never did before, like asking for their fav food, kiss their love, and telling the closed one about their death.

And I wonder, how death feels? I am so scared.. What if someday, God decides to take away my life when I have not ready?

What would it feel?
Would it be very painful? or would I die painlessly and "peacefully"?
How would I die? from a disease? from an accidents? or during sleep?
When would it? After I get married, with children? or during old age?
How my body would look like? would it be recognizable? Would it be in a good condition?
Would I know beforehand? So that I could say last few words to my family, asking them not to be too sad, and take care of themselves after I leave?

Scary, isn't it?

Life is very short. I am now 23. High school feels like just yesterday. Terrible experience of year 1 in medical school feels just new and fresh. And now, another 1 year plus, I am gonna leave this Unimas to be a Doctor?

Time flies. Time waits for no man. Time hurts, time heals. Time comes, times goes. All the sayings about time are so true.

After all, everything is just a matter of time. Isn't it?

Knowing that the time is just a blink of an eye. I feel most of my 23 years on earth is wasted. They say, being on earth is just temporary, another eternal one will come. And We should prepare ourselves for the latter.

I waste my time longing, searching, thirsting for the worldly affairs, fun, desire. All the temporaries.. I wonder if I would have the time to regret before I die.

I hope that God knows that I am weak. Always fall into temptations. Sinning again and again. My heart is full of hatred, jealousy, self-contredness, self-fishness, unforgiveness, revenge, ego.. All of which makes my soul falling sick and weak day by day.

My soul is dry, thirst, hungry, fatigue...

I hope, that God will give me some more time, to appreciate the time left here on earth..