Tuesday!

I wake up early today! Yeay!

I rather wake up early than to sleep like pig, and eventually end up getting headache the whole day.

I am still not well. I dunno whether I can take in food yet or not. I am so scared of the nausea feelings. So I decided not to eat yet. But I did take 2pieces of bread. Just to feed my stomach, before it gets upset and produce acid and commit suicide.

It is 10min to 5am now. It was drizzling out there.

I am in the living room of my apartment, reading anatomy of the knee joint.

Wanna take a rest for a while. 80% of the knee anotomy I have forgotten. I was so lazy to read the long text of its descriptions. The lecture by Prof. Maung Maung Nyo also doesn't help much.


Last night, I had a weird dream. Does it indicate something.

I was in an isolated place, which was covered all over by sand. I was all alone in that very wide area. I didnt get scared, but I just walked, walked aimlessly. Then suddenly I realized that the ground that I was stepping on was full with deep holes, very very deep wide holes, and it was very dark inside. The holes were scattered everywhere.

I walked, walked, until a point when I realized that the place where I landed my feet was just a wall-thinned ground, jus enough to fit my soles.I was standing in between 2 big holes!

I was so scared and frightened when I look down and saw how deep was the hole.

I wanted to go out of there. I was about to jump. Ready! 1, 2, 3............. and jump!

And all of a sudden.......


My right foot didnt land on the other edge. It was so near and yet so far. And I fell............


That was all about my dream....




My mind is disturbed a little bit.


MMMM...........


Feel so alone. ALways been like this.


It is very hard to find someone who can share problems with us There and Then.


It is very hard to find a shoulder to lean on.


Gotta stay strong. Gotta be independent.


Am I destined to be like this?


Wanna run but I am tightly tied. Sometimes the rope gets loosen, allowing me to get off. But somehow I hesitate to run. At the end, I choose to stay.


And the same viscous cycle of self-conflict happens, again and again.


Until someday, when I have the courage, with God's will, God's love, I will fly.


Alone, or not, As long as God's love is with me, nothing shall stop me.


In fact, what is lacking now is God's love. It is there, just that I couldn't see it, feel it.